Humor for April 20, 2017

Measure not the work until the day’s out and the labor done. – Elizabeth Barrett Browning

TODAY – APRIL 20TH – THURSDAY

110th day of 2017 with 255 days to follow. Moon in last quarter with 40% visible

Holidays for Today:
~ 2017 Great American Cleanup
~ 4/20 (International cannabis culture holiday)
~ Lima Bean Respect Day
~ Look Alike Day
~ National Pineapple Upside-down Cake Day
~ UN Chinese Language Day (United Nations)
~ Volunteer Recognition Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1904 George Stibitz, York, Pennsylvania, scientist (one of the fathers of the modern digital computer)
  • 1940 George Takei, Los Angeles, California, actor (Sulu on Star Trek, Green Berets, Supah Ninjas, guest appearances on Heroes,voice actor/ Star Trek video games; Facebook star)
  • 1941 Ryan O’Neal, Los Angeles, California, actor (Love Story, Paper Moon, Bones)
  • 1949 Jessica Lange, Cloquet, Minnesota, actress (King Kong, Tootsie, Blue Sky, Grey Gardens, Sweet Dreams, The Gambler, American Horror Story: Freak Show, Horace and Pete, Feud)
  • 1953 Robert Crais, Independence, Louisiana, author (The Monkey’s Raincoat, Voodoo River, L.A. Requiem, The Two-Minute Rule, The Watchman, Taken, The Promise)
  • 1955 Donald Pettit, Silverton, Oregon, astronaut (STS-113, Expedition 6, Soyuz TMA-1, STS-126, Soyuz TMA-03M, Expedition 30 Expedition 31) and engineer
  • 1964 Crispin Glover, NYC, New York, actor (Back to the Future, Willard, Beowulf, 9, Alice in Wonderland, The Bag Man, Texas Rising, American Gods)
  • 1966 David Filo, Wisconsin, businessman (co-founded Yahoo!)
  • 1970 Shemar Moore, Oakland, California, actor (Soul Train, Criminal Minds, Justice League (Victor Stone/Cyborg voice))
  • 1972 Carmen Electra, Sharonville, Ohio, model, singer, and actress (American Vampire, Christmas Vacation 2000, Monster Island, Disaster Movie, 2-Headed Shark Attack, Book of Fire)
  • 1976 Joey Lawrence, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (Gimme a Break!, Blossom, Brotherly Love, American Dreams, Run of the House, Half & Half, Melissa & Joey, Splash)
  • 1978 Clayne Crawford, Clay, Alabama, actor (A Walk to Remember, The Great Raid, The Baytown Outlaws, 24, The Glades, NCIS: New Orleans, Rectify, Lethal Weapon)

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There is no short cut to achievement. Life requires thorough preparation — veneer isn’t worth anything. – George Washington Carver
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1836 Territory of Wisconsin created.
  • 1861 Colonel Robert E. Lee resigns from Union army in order to command the forces of Virginia.
  • 1902 Marie & Pierre Curie isolate radioactive element radium.
  • 1912 Opening day for baseball stadiums Tiger Stadium in Detroit, Michigan, and Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts.
  • 1935 “You’re Hit Parade” begins broadcasting (becomes #1 quickly).
  • 1962 NASA civilian pilot Neil A Armstrong takes X-15 to an altitude of 63,250 meters.
  • 1967 US Surveyor 3 lands on Moon.
  • 1972 Apollo 16: Young & Duke land on Moon with Boeing Lunar Rover #2.
  • 1984 The Good Friday Massacre, an extremely violent ice hockey playoff game, is played in Montreal, Canada.
  • 1985 ATF raid on The Covenant, The Sword, and the Arm of the Lord compound in northern Arkansas.
  • 1986 Pianist Vladimir Horowitz performs in his native Russia for the first time in 61 years.
  • 1999 Columbine High School massacre: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold kill 13 people and injure 24 others before committing suicide at Columbine High School in Jefferson County, Colorado.
  • 2010 Deepwater Horizon drilling rig explosion kills 11 and causes rig to sink, initiating a massive oil discharge in the Gulf of Mexico that lasted 6-months, and has repercussions to this day.

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The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

“Worker ants,” she told them, “can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?”

One child was ready with the answer: “They don’t have a union.”

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Things I’d Like to Hear, Just Once From a store clerk:

“The computerized cash register is down. I’ll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper.”
“I’ll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers.”
“We’re sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We’ll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer.”

Things I’d Like to Hear, Just Once From my doctor:

“Of course I’ll come by your house to check on you.”
“Give me a call at home over the weekend if you’re not feeling better.”
“Sure, come on by this afternoon, we’ll work you in.”
“I’ll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test.”
“Here, take these samples.”
“Don’t worry about it, there’s no charge for that.”
“I recommend you get a second opinion.”

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ONE-LINERS: Ideas of Interest
— My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
— I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
— The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
— How can there be self-help “groups”?
— Is there another word for synonym?
— Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
— The speed of time is one-second per second.
— Is it possible to be totally partial?
— What’s another word for thesaurus?
— If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
— It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
— Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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GOLDEN OLDIE.. A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”

The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”

“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.

“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”

After a long pause, the “pilot” replied: “You mean, you’re not my instructor?”

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pic of the day: Clematis


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: Where do people trade dresses?
A: The Frock Exchange.
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Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: “You look flushed”
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Two foxes were chasing four rabbits. They decided to split hares.
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Two cannibals sat down at a table in a cannibal restaurant. The waiter said, “All we have left is a missionary from Prague. You can each pay for half.”
“Okay,” said one of the cannibals, “We’ll split the Czech.”

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Wife: ‘What are you doing?’

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: ‘Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’

Husband:’I was looking for the expiration date.’

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As travel has increased over the years, and more people go abroad, a lot of non-English speaking countries are trying to help by putting up signs in English. I think they got a few of these wrong !

In a Japanese hotel : You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for the best results.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown
in the bulk of their workers.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office : We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room : If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In an Acapulco hotel : The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

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Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

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Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

One of the old men reeled in his line, laid down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated : “I didn’t know you were that religious. ”

The other looked at him and said “Least I could do, we’ve been married 42 years ! ”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many ships have sunk in the Great Lakes? More than 6,000 wrecked ships lay at the bottom of the Great Lakes. One of the better known is The Edmund Fitzgerald. The ship sank on November 10, 1975 during a severe storm on Lake Superior.

~How large were Egyptian temples? The early Egyptians built some very large temples. The Great Temple at El-Karnak, built more than 3,000 years ago, is larger than the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris.

~How much water is in our bodies? If all of the water were drained from the body of an average 160-pound man, the body would weigh 64 pounds

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before – Mae West

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings. – Hodding Carter