Humor for May 25, 2017

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. Hans Christian Andersen

TODAY – MAY 25, 2017 – THURSDAY

145th day of 2017 with 220 days to follow. New moon with 1% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Geek Pride Day (promoting Geek culture, coincides with premiere of 1st Star Wars movie)
~ Glorious 25th of May (Terry Pratchett’s Discworld fans) http://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/Glorious_Revolution
~ National Brown-Bag-It Day
~ National Missing Children’s Day
~ National Tap Dance Day
~ National Wine Day
~ Towel Day (in honor of author Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy))

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1803 Ralph Waldo Emerson, Boston, Massachusetts, essayist/philosopher (Concord Hymn)
  • 1865 John Mott, Postville, Iowa, YMCA leader (Nobel Peace Prize for World Student Christian Organization)
  • 1878 Bill “Bojangles” Robinson, Richmond, Virginia, tap dancer
  • 1889 Igor I. Sikorsky, Russian-born U.S. aircraft designer (helicopter)
  • 1927 Robert Ludlum, New York, New York, spy novelist (Bourne Identity)
  • 1939 Dixie Carter, McLemoresville, Tennessee, actress (Designing Women, Family Law, Desperate Housewives)
  • 1943 Leslie Uggams, New York, New York, singer/actress (Leslie Uggams Show, Roots, Deadpool, Empire)
  • 1944 Frank Oz, English-born puppeteer and director (Yoda in Star Wars; Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Cookie Monster on Sesame Street)
  • 1946 David Allen Hargrave, American fantasy and science fiction author (Arduin series), game designer, Army combat veteran (Vietnam/ combat photographer)
  • 1963 Mike Myers, Canada, comedian (Saturday Night Live, Wayne’s World, Austin Powers, Shrek)
  • 1969 Anne Heche, Aurora, Ohio, actress (Another World, The Juror, Volcano, Six Days Seven Nights, Gracie’s Choice, Dig, Aftermath)

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Life is a ticket to the greatest show on earth. – Martin H. Fischer
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1935 Jesse Owens equals or breaks 6 world records in one hour.
  • 1961 John F. Kennedy sets goal of putting a man on Moon before the end of decade (“I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the Moon and returning him safely to the Earth. No single space program in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important in the long-range exploration of space; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish.” )
  • 1978 George Lucas’ film Star Wars, is released, and becomes an instant hit.
  • 1983 “Return of the Jedi” (Star Wars 3) released.
  • 1983 1st National Missing Children’s Day is proclaimed .
  • 1985 Bangladesh is hit by a tropical cyclone and storm surge, which kills approximately 10,000 people.
  • 1992 Jay Leno becomes permanent host of “The Tonight Show”.
  • 2001 Erik Weihenmayer, 32 and of Boulder, Colorado, becomes the first blind person to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 2001 Sherman Bull, of New Canaan, Connecticut, becomes the oldest person (64 years) to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 2011 After a 25 year run, the last Oprah Winfrey show aired.
  • 2012 The first commercial spacecraft, The SpaceX Dragon, successfully rendezvoused with the International Space Station.

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Golden Oldie… A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over, he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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I realized as the bus pulled away that I had left my purse under the seat. I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.

“We’re required to inventory lost wallets and purses,” he explained. “I think you’ll find everything there.”

As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we’d like to see just how you do it.”

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ONE-LINERS: Make Life More Enjoyable

– Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.

– Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

– Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

– No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

– Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

– If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

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Overheard by the parents of a selfish child..
“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the lord my toys to break,
So none of the other kids can play with em’.
Amen”

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pic of the day: Rosebay Rhododendron Blooms


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression “happy as a clam.” The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

“It’s a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time,” Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.

He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.

The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

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Golden Oldie… As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose.”

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Funny Things People Say to a Blind Person with a Guide Dog
(written by Patty F., from personal experience)

Silly person: “Does your guide dog turn on lights for you?”
Blind person: “Why would I need a light?”

Silly person: “Aw, there’s one of them blind dogs”
Blind person: “The dog can see just fine, it’s the human that has the problem.”

Silly person: “That’s a pretty dog. I’m surprised they let him in here.”
Blind person: “He’s my service dog.”
Silly person: “Hi, Service!”

So according to the silly people of the world, Patty’s has a blind guide dog named Service who can turn on lights.

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More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don’t want to work in the computer industry, it’s just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.

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Working as a computer instructor for an adult education program at a community college, I was keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between generations.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. “What are all these books?” he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I explained, “They’re encyclopedias.”

“Really?!? Someone printed out the whole thing?!?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many states don’t allow billboards? Vermont, Alaska, Hawaii, and Maine are the four states in the U.S. that do not allow billboards.

~How much gold has been discovered worldwide to date? More than 193,000 metric tons (425 million pounds). If you stuck it all together, it would make a cube-shaped, seven-story structure that might resemble one of Donald Trump’s buildings. First you’d have to find all those rings that have gone down the drain.

~What was Kirk’s ship’s original name? The name of the U.S.S. Enterprise in the original draft for the Star Trek TV series was the U.S.S. Yorktowne.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: There are a terrible lot of lies going around the world, and the worst of it is half of them are true – Winston Churchill

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Fear is the path to the dark side… fear leads to anger… anger leads to hate… hate leads to suffering.” – Yoda in The Phantom Menace