Humor for December 5, 2016

A good friend is a connection to life ­ a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. – Lois Wyse

TODAY – DECEMBER 5th – MONDAY

340th day of 2016 with 26 days to follow. Moon is waxing with 31% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Bathtub Party Day
~ International Ninja Day
~ International Volunteer Day for Economic & Social Development
~ National Sachertorte Day
~ Repeal Day (21st Amendment ends Prohibition)
~ World Soil Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1782 Martin Van Buren, Kinderhook, New York, 8th President of the United States (March 4, 1837 – March 4, 1841)
  • 1839 George Armstrong Custer, New Rumley, Ohio, general (many victories, but they are overshadowed by Battle of the Little Bighorn, a.k.a. “Custer’s Last Stand”)
  • 1879 Clyde Cessna, Hawthorne, Iowa, airplane manufacturer (founder of the Cessna Aircraft Corporation)
  • 1901 Walt Disney, Chicago, Illinois, animated film producer & theme park builder
  • 1901 Werner Heisenberg, Würzburg, Bavaria, physicist (Nobel / foundational contributions to quantum mechanics and is best known for asserting the uncertainty principle of quantum theory)
  • 1932 Little Richard, Macon, Georgia, singer and pianist (Tutti Frutti, Good Golly Miss Molly)
  • 1932 Sheldon Lee Glashow, New York City, New York, physicist (Electroweak theory & Criticism of Superstring theory)
  • 1934 Joan Didion, Sacramento, California, author (The White Album, A Book of Common Prayer, Salvador, The Last Thing He Wanted, The Year of Magical Thinking)
  • 1935 Calvin Trillin, Kansas City, Missouri, author (Runestruck, Floater, Remembering Denny, Family Man, Feeding a Yen, About Alice)
  • 1936 James Lee Burke, Los Angeles, Texas, author (Dave Robicheaux series / Black Cherry Blues, Cimarron Rose, Heaven’s Prisoners, In the Electric Mist)
  • 1979 Nick Stahl, Harlingen, Texas, actor (The Man Without a Face, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Mirrors 2)

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The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Bertrand Russell
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1484 Pope Innocent VIII issues the Summis desiderantes, that deputizes Heinrich Kramer and James Sprenger as inquisitors to root out alleged witchcraft in Germany and leads to one of the most oppressive witch hunts in European history.
  • 1492 Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola, now Haiti and the Dominican Republic.
  • 1848 California Gold Rush: In a message before the U.S. Congress, US President James K. Polk confirms that large amounts of gold had been discovered in California.
  • 1933 Prohibition in the United States ends: Utah becomes the 36th U.S. state to ratify the Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution, thus establishing the required 75% of states needed to enact the amendment (this overturned the 18th Amendment which had made the manufacture, sale, or transportation of alcohol illegal in the United States).
  • 1955 American Federation of Labor and the Congress of Industrial Organizations merge and form the AFL–CIO.
  • 1974 In American football, the Birmingham Americans would win what would eventually be the only World Bowl in World Football League history.
  • 2010 The Harlem Globetrotters Played their famous “Four Point Game” against the Generals.

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At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, “I need a baseball quote.”

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra’s famous “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, “What was that?”

“You asked me for a baseball quote,” I responded, “and that was the first thing that came into my head.”

“Oh,” she replied. “My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote.”

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: “Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?”

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A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”

“I’m sure I can,” the psychiatrist replied. “Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”

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ONE-LINERS:Deep Thoughts…………
~ If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
~ One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
~ If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
~ Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
~ What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
~ Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
~ If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent?
~ Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
~ Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
~ Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
~ Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
~ Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right.
~ The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement.
~ How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there?
~ Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
~ If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
~ Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
~ If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
~ Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?
~ Why does mineral water that ‘has trickled through mountains for centuries’ have a ‘use by’ date?
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Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator describes an event at Stonehenge where a person ‘was grabbed by a terrifying unseen force and held suspended in the air.’

I don’t know about you, but where I’m from, this is better known as a ‘wedgie.’

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pic of the day: 3 Goats On a Spool

pic of 3 goats
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

— I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

— A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t – I’ve cut off your arms!”

— I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

— Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

— What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

— A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

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A pastor asked his Bible class, “Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?”

A student replied, “Because his mother was there.”

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A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, “I’d like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.”

The confused agent said, “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.”

“Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that’s exactly what you did to my luggage last year!”
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A golfer went to hell. When he got there he found true paradise: lush greens, few bunkers, long and smooth fairways, short waits and above all, unlimited golfing partners. The golfer thought nothing of his situation and he immediately fetched his clubs.

On the first hole, he hit an eagle. After that, he got an eagle or a birdie, and one hole in one.

On the eighteenth hole, the golfer had developed quite a gallery of people who had stopped playing to watch him.

As he drew up his Big Bertha driver, he took careful aim and let out a rip-roaring ball towards the flag. The ball sailed nicely and started to descend right on course for the hole. As he watched, the ball touched down ten feet from the hole and rolled to the very lip of the cup. It was on the verge of either stopping or dropping in.

Suddenly everything vanished and there he was, roasting in the eternal fire. He cried out in astonishment and then the devil came and said “Welcome to Hell. Part of it is not seeing whether the ball made it in or not.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What was John Quincy Adams nickname? During his heyday, John Quincy Adams was nicknamed “Old Man Eloquent.”

~Can you get American diamonds? Yes, but the only active diamond mine in the United States is in Arkansas.

~How popular was Felix the Cat at his peak? During the 1920s, Felix enjoyed sudden, enormous popularity in international popular culture. He got his own comic strip (drawn by Otto Messmer), and his image soon adorned all sorts of merchandise. Jazz singers such as Paul Whiteman sang about him. Nevertheless, the success was short-lived. The arrival of talking cartoons, particularly those of Walt Disney’s Mickey Mouse, eclipsed the silent offerings of Sullivan and Messmer.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it’s on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Three things are needed for a good life: good friends, good food, and good song.Jason Zebehazy