Humor for October 25, 2016

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – A.A. Milne


299th day of 2016 with 67 days to follow. Moon waning with 24% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Cartoonists Against Crime Day
~ National Greasy Foods Day
~ Punk for a Day Day
~ World Pasta Day
~ Sourest Day (When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!)



  • 1825 Johann Strauss II (the younger), Austria, composer (Waltz King – The Blue Danube)
  • 1864 John Francis Dodge, Niles, Michigan, automobile manufacturing pioneer
  • 1881 Pablo Picasso, Spain, artist (3 Dancers, Guernica), sculptor
  • 1888 Richard E. Byrd, Winchester, Virginia, explorer (claimed his expeditions were first to reach the North Pole and the South Pole by air)
  • 1912 Minnie Pearl [Sarah Ophelia Colley], Centerville, Tennessee, comedienne and singer (Grand Old Opry, Hee-Haw)
  • 1914 John Berryman, McAlester, Oklahoma, poet (a founder of the Confessional school of poetry. Dream Songs)
  • 1928 Marion Ross, Watertown, Minnesota, actress (Marion-Happy Days, Brooklyn Bridge)
  • 1935 Russell Schweickart, Neptune, New Jersey, astronaut (Lunar module pilot for Apollo 9, 1st Skylab mission)
  • 1941 Anne Tyler, Minneapolis, Minnesota, writer (Accidental Tourist)
  • 1941 Helen Reddy, Melbourne, Australia, singer (I Am Woman)
  • 1961 Ward Burton, South Boston, Virginia, NASCAR auto racer (five career wins in the NASCAR Winston Cup Series )
  • 1964 Michael Boatman, Colorado Springs, Colorado, actor (China Beach, Spin City, Instant Mom)
  • 1970 Adam Goldberg, Santa Monica CA, actor (Medium, Nancy Drew, Saving Private Ryan, Fargo series, The Jim Gaffigan Show)
  • 1979 Sarah Thompson, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Ice Storm, Angel, 7th Heaven, Cruel Intentions)
  • 1980 Mehcad Brooks, Austin, Texas, actor and former model ( Desperate Housewives, True Blood, Necessary Roughness, Supergirl)
  • 1984 Katy Perry, Santa Barbara, California, singer (“I Kissed a Girl”)


The Earth will not continue to offer its harvest, except with faithful stewardship. We cannot say we love the land and then take steps to destroy it for use by future generations. – Pope John Paul II



  • 1854 Known as The Charge of the Light Brigade, 670 British cavalrymen attacked a heavily fortified Russian position during the Crimean War and were killed.
  • 1901 Daredevil Annie Edson Taylor became the first person to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
  • 1929 Market values of $5 billion were swept away in the greatest selling wave in the history of the New York Stock Exchange. The Wall Street Crash of 1929 would mark the beginning of a 10-year Depression which would affect the entire Western world.
  • 1945 Republic of China takes over administration of Taiwan following Japan’s surrender to the Allies.
  • 1962 Cuban missile crisis: Adlai Stevenson shows photos at the UN proving Soviet missiles are installed in Cuba.
  • 1972 The Washington Post reports that White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman is the fifth person to control a secret cash fund designed to finance illegal political sabotage and espionage during the 1972 presidential election campaign (see also Watergate scandal).
  • 1980 Proceedings on the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction conclude at The Hague.
  • 1995 A commuter train slams into a school bus in Fox River Grove, Illinois, killing seven students.
  • 2004 Fidel Castro, Cuba’s President, announces that transactions using the American Dollar will be banned by November 8.
  • 2015 Four people killed after a suspected drunk driver plowed into an Oklahoma State University homecoming parade in Stillwater, Oklahoma


I was bragging about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

My co-worker was unimpressed. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away?”


Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.

‘So were you able to find some?” inquired Bill.

‘Well when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” Kevin continued, ‘The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”


ONE-LINERS: Ever Wonder …
~ Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
~ Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
~ Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
~ Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
~ Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
~ Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
~ If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (oh yeah…)
~ If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~ Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
~ Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
~ Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
~ Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
~ Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
~ Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker”?
~ Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

“Tech support, how may I help you?”

“I’m writing my first email.”

“OK, and what seems to be the problem?”

“Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?


Rub a dub, dub; a Cat in a Tub…

picture of orange cat in tub

Many years ago there was a famous baseball pitcher named Wilt Famey. His career was brilliant, but in his last years his abilities decreased. Becoming depressed, he started drinking a lot of beer, both on and off the field.

In his last year in the major leagues, he was drunk in the dugout most of the time, but his team made it to the World Series. Wilt had not pitched throughout the entire series, but in the last half of the 9th inning of the final game, the score was tied, Wilt’s team was on the field, there were 2 outs, and the bases were loaded. His teammates called out, “Bring on Wilt Famey! He’ll save the game for us!”

Wilt staggered out of the dugout amongst all the beer cans, stumbled to the mound, and pitched four balls, walking the winning run across. As the opposing team was passing by Wilt’s team’s dugout, one of the players said, “Hey, what’s with all the beer cans in their dugout?” His teammate replied, “Didn’t you know? That’s the beer that made Milt Famey walk us!”


Exchange of messages between a commuter and a subway company:


I have been riding subways daily for the last 22 years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A. Commuter

Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

A Subway



I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the 9th Chapter of the Book of David, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your subway in the last 22 years.

Yours truly,
A. Commuter


What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?
Hello gore-juice!

What do wizards stop for on the motorway?

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?
Tyrannosaurus hex!


My memory really stinks. So I changed my password to “incorrect”. That way when I log in with the wrong password the computer will tell me … “Your password is incorrect.”


Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply “XX”.

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr. Schwartz,” said the banker, “I need to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years you’ve been signing your checks ‘XX’, but we just got one that was signed with three XXX’s…”

Mr. Schwartz answered, “No problem, my friend. It’s just that since I’ve become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”


TODAY IN TRIVIA: What did Nature’s Totem signify?  Nature’s totem, the awe-inspiring, 325-foot spire of Chimney Rock in Nebraska, informed Pony Express riders and frontiersmen they had crossed the American plains and that mountains lay ahead.

QUIP OF THE DAY: “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson


Thought for the day. . .
“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” ― Muhammad Ali