Humor for September 26, 2016

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude. – Denis Waitley

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 26th – MONDAY

270th day of 2016 with 96 days to follow. Moon is waning with 20% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ Johnny Appleseed Day
~ National Pancake Day
~ European Day of Languages (European Union)
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1774 John Chapman [Johnny Appleseed], Leominster, Massachusetts, frontier nurseryman
  • 1888 T.S. Eliot, St Louis, Missouri, poet/dramatist/critic (Waste Land-Nobel 1948)
  • 1898 George Gershwin, Brooklyn, New York, composer (Rhapsody in Blue, Porgy and Bess)
  • 1900 Ricardo Cortez, New York City, New York, actor (Montana Moon, The Maltese Falcon, The Big Shakedown)
  • 1909 Bill France, Sr., Washington D.C., founder of NASCAR
  • 1910 Jack Dunham, Bismarck, North Dakota, animator and television producer (worked for Walt Disney Animation Studios and Walter Lantz Productions)
  • 1914 Jack LaLanne, San Francisco, California, exercise mogul (Father of Fitness)
  • 1925 Marty Robbins, Glendale, Arizona, country-western singer (Cool Water, Ballad of the Alamo)
  • 1927 Patrick O’Neal, Ocala, Florida, actor (Kaz, Alvarez Kelly, King Rat)
  • 1928 Adam West, Walla Walla, Washington, actor (Batman TV series , The Fairly OddParents, Family Guy)
  • 1940 Paul Williams, Omaha, Nebraska, composer (Three Dog Night’s “An Old Fashioned Love Song”, Helen Reddy’s “You and Me Against the World”, and the Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” and “Rainy Days and Mondays )
  • 1947 Lynn Anderson, Grand Forks, North Dakota, country singer (I Never Promised you a Rose Garden)
  • 1948 Olivia Newton-John, English born Australian, singer / actress (I Honestly Love You, Physical / Grease)
  • 1956 Linda Hamilton, Salisbury, Maryland, actress (Sarah Conner / Terminator; Beauty & the Beast, Chuck, Defiance)
  • 1962 Melissa Sue Anderson, Berkeley, California, actress (Mary Ingalls / Little House on the Prairie, Which Mother is Mine?, 10.5 Apocalypse)
  • 1964 Trisha Yearwood, Monticello, Georgia, singer (She’s in Love with the Boy )
  • 1981 Serena Williams, Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, tennis player (ranked World #1 five times)

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But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? – Albert Camus
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1789 Thomas Jefferson is appointed the first United States Secretary of State, John Jay is appointed the first Chief Justice of the United States, Samuel Osgood is appointed the first United States Postmaster General, and Edmund Randolph is appointed the first United States Attorney General.
  • 1820 Colonel Robert Gibbon Johnson proved tomatoes weren’t poisonous by eating several on the steps of the courthouse in Salem, New Jersey.
  • 1872 The first Shriners Temple (called Mecca) is established in New York City.
  • 1914 The US Federal Trade Commission (FTC) is established by the Federal Trade Commission Act.
  • 1934 British liner Queen Mary is launched.
  • 1960 In Chicago, the first televised debate takes place between presidential candidates Richard M. Nixon and John F. Kennedy.
  • 1960 Fidel Castro announces Cuba’s support for the U.S.S.R.
  • 1962 TV comedy series “The Beverly Hillbillies” premiers on CBS.
  • 1969 Abbey Road, the last recorded album by The Beatles, is released.
  • 1973 Concorde makes its first non-stop crossing of the Atlantic in record-breaking time.
  • 1984 Britain & China initial agreement to return Hong Kong to China in 1997 .
  • 2008 Swiss pilot and inventor Yves Rossy becomes first person to fly a jet engine-powered wing across the English Channel.

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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a NY METS fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Met fans too.

Not really knowing what a METS fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not a METS fan,”

“Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?”

“Why I’m proud to be a Yankees fan,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.

She asks Lucy why she is a Yankees fan. “Well, My Dad and Mom are Yankee fans, and I’m a Yankee fan too,”

The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be a METS fan.”

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A girl was visiting her gooberette friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The gooberette responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” the gooberette responded. “They’re watch dogs!”

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ONE-LINERS:

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
~ A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half. ~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
~ Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.
~ All general statements are false, except this one.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ You can say what you want about the South, But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

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My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed.

I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.

Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband’s last note: “After September 15, all work will be supervised by five children.”

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pic of the day: Hummingbird on branch above Jewelweed

hummingbird perched above jewelweed picture
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~A dog breeder crossed a setter and a pointer at Christmas time and got a pointsetter.

~A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.

~If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

~A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.

~In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

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If Waiters were computer support techs instead, the conversation might go something like this. . .

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I’ll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won’t be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it’s the way you’re using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I’m running late now.

[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn’t ready yet.

Patron: Well, I’m so hungry now, I’ll eat anything.

[The waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There’s a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
* House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, “So what do you do?” Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, “Nothing.” – Jimmy Fallon
* In California, two women have been arrested for holding a group of men hostage and making them work for several months on a marijuana farm. The men said they wanted to escape but they never got around to it. – Conan O’Brien
* A company has come out with a new smartphone-connected candle that can light or extinguish itself on command. Of course, Samsung already has a phone that can light without a command. – Seth Meyers
* Emma Watson (Hermione in Harry Potter movies) gave a speech about gender inequality on college campuses. If there is one issue Emma Watson is familiar with, it is large educational institutions being run by an old white guy. – James Corden
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A middle management executive has to take on some sport, by his doctor’s orders, so he decides to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing.

“It’s going fine”, the manager says. “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says, ‘To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'”

“Really? What happens then?” the secretary asks.

“Then my body says, ‘Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!'”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How long have we known about the planet Mercury? Mercury has been known since about the third millennium B.C. The planet was given two names by the Greeks: Apollo, for its apparition as a morning star, and Hermes as an evening star. Greek astronomers knew, however, that the two names referred to the same body.

~Where do tarantulas hang out? The tarantula spends most of its life within its burrow, which is an 18-inch vertical hole with an inch-wide opening. When male tarantulas are between the ages of 5 to 7 years, they leave the burrow in search of a female, usually in the early fall. This migration actually signals the end of their life cycle. The males mate with as many females as they can, and then they die around mid-November.

~What made Gog so special? The sci-fi flick Gog (1954), in which a nuclear “brain” takes over a secret laboratory, was the first film to have a computer appear as a main character in a movie.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I have never killed anyone, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction – Clarence Darrow

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The basic thing is that everyone wants happiness, no one wants suffering. And happiness mainly comes from our own attitude, rather than from external factors. If your own mental attitude is correct, even if you remain in a hostile atmosphere, you feel happy. – Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama