Humor for August 26, 2016

The moral test of a government is how it treats those who are at the dawn of life, the children; those who are in the twilight of life, the aged; and those who are in the shadow of life, the sick, the needy and the handicapped. – Hubert H. Humphrey

TODAY – AUGUST 26th – FRIDAY

239th day of 2016 with 127 days to follow. Moon in last quarter with 36% visible.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cherry Popsicle Day

*National Dog Day

*Women’s Equality Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1740 Joseph Montgolfier, French inventor (one of the inventors of montgolfière-style hot air balloon, globe aérostatique).
  • 1743 Antoine Lavoisier, French chemist (made first version of the law of conservation of mass, recognized and named oxygen and hydrogen)
  • 1873 Lee De Forest, Council Bluffs, Iowa, inventor (Audion vacuum (radio) tube)
  • 1906 Albert B. Sabin, Polish-American microbiologist (oral polio vaccine)
  • 1909 Jim Davis, Edgerton, Missouri, actor (Dallas)
  • 1910 Mother Teresa, Macedonian-Indian, Nobel Peace Prize winning Christian missionary (Blessed Teresa of Calcutta)
  • 1911 Otto Binder, Bessemer, Michigan, author (Captain Marvel Adventures, Unsolved Mysteries of the Past)
  • 1920 Brant Parker, Los Angeles, California, cartoonist (The Wizard of Id)
  • 1942 Vic Dana, Buffalo, New York, singer (If I Never Knew Your Name)
  • 1959 Kathryn P. Hire, Mobile, Alabama, Lt. Cmdr. USN/astronaut (STS-90, STS-130)
  • 1963 Stephen J. Dubner, Duanesburgh, New York, journalist and author (Freakonomics, SuperFreakonomics)
  • 1965 Chris Burke, Point Lookout, New York, actor with Down syndrome (Corky – Life Goes On)
  • 1980 Macaulay Culkin, New York City, New York, actor (Home Alone, My Girl, Richie Rich, The Jim Gaffigan Show)
  • 1980 Chris Pine, Los Angeles, California, actor (The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, Just My Luck, Rise of the Guardians, Star Trek remakes)
  • 1988 Evan Ross, Greenwich, Connecticut, actor (According to Greta, The Hunger Games, Wicked City)
  • 1988 Danielle Savre, Simi Valley, California, actress (Bring It On: All or Nothing, Wild for the Night)

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“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1748 The Pennsylvania Ministerium, the first Lutheran denomination in North America, is founded in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1789 Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen approved by National Assembly at Palace of Versailles.
  • 1791 A United States patent for the steamboat is granted to John Fitch.
  • 1858 First news dispatch by telegraph.
  • 1862 The Second Battle of Bull Run begins during the American Civil War.
  • 1883 Krakatoa erupts with increasingly large explosions and kills 36,000.
  • 1920 19th amendment takes effect, women’s suffrage granted.
  • 1957 The USSR announces the successful test of an ICBM – a “super long distance intercontinental multistage ballistic rocket … a few days ago,” according to the Soviet news agency, ITAR-TASS.
  • 1970 Led by Betty Friedan, the then new feminist movement leads a nation-wide Women’s Strike for Equality.
  • 1971 The United States Congress declares August 26th as an annual Women’s Equality Day.
  • 1978 As a result of a Papal conclave, Pope John Paul I is elected to the Papacy.
  • 1978 Sigmund Jähn becomes first German cosmonaut on board of the Soyuz 31 spacecraft.
  • 1987 President Ronald Reagan proclaims September 11, 1987 as 9-1-1 Emergency Number Day.

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Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!”

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

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A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, “I’m a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “How’s that?”

“It’s like this — my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.”

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ONE-LINERS: Ever Wonder?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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Golden Oldie… There’s this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me.

“When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing.

“I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.

“And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

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pic of the day: The Light at the End of the Tunnel

picture of end of tunnel
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

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The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he’d dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, “Listen, ‘sir’, it’s real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn’t come out even, don’t open the hatch.”

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A minister was talking to a children’s Sunday school class about the Old Testament story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel. For once, he had everyone’s attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet and how they were punished: Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of them.”And now, children,” said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point across, “what does this story show us?”

A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, “It shows how many children two she-bears can hold.”

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LATE NIGHT QUIPS. . .
*The GOP has already started making a strategy around the assumption that Hillary Clinton will win the presidency. Which may explain the Republican Party’s new slogan: “Winter Is Coming.” – Conan O’Brien
* The Trump campaign recently announced that Donald Trump will be delaying his major address on immigration that was originally scheduled to take place on Thursday. So if you want to know where Trump stands on immigration, you’ll just have to wait until a year ago. – Seth Meyers
* Apparently Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals in just one day following his Rio robbery scandal. Even Trump was like, “It took me months to do that!” – Jimmy Fallon
* Donald Trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. Rudy Giuliani made a suggestion to go online and look up “Hillary Clinton illness” – if it’s on the internet, you know it must be true. – Stephen Colbert
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A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.

The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.

When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.

The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.

When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman – Maryon Pearson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If we are ever in doubt about what to do, it is a good rule to ask ourselves what we shall wish on the morrow that we had done. – John Lubbock