Humor for February 23, 2017

Anyone who proposes to do good must not expect people to roll stones out of his way, but must accept his lot calmly if they even roll a few more upon it. – Albert Schweitzer

TODAY – FEBRUARY 23rd – THURSDAY

54th day of 2017 with 311 days to follow. Moon is waning with 11% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
~ National Banana Bread Day
~ Tennis Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1685 George Frideric Händel, German-English organist and baroque composer (Messiah)
  • 1850 César Ritz, Swiss hotelier (Ritz in Paris & London)
  • 1931 Tom Wesselmann, Cincinnati, Ohio, pop artist (founded collages)
  • 1932 Majel Barrett, Columbus, Ohio, actress (Christine Chapel in Star Trek; also Lwaxana Troi, Ship’s Computer)
  • 1940 Peter Fonda, NYC, actor (Easy Rider, Wild Angels, 3:10 to Yuma, Wild Hogs, Borderland)
  • 1944 John Sandford, Cedar Rapids, Iowa, author (Pulitzer for Life on the Land: an American farm family; series – Prey, Kidd, Virgil Flowers, Singular Menace; Dead Watch, Murder in the Rough)
  • 1949 Marc Garneau, Canadian engineer, astronaut (1st Canadian in outer space on STS-41-G in 1984, STS-77 in 1996, STS-97 in 2000), and politician
  • 1951 Patricia Richardson, Bethesda, Maryland, actress (Home Improvement, Double Trouble, Strong Medicine, The West Wing, Ulee’s Gold)
  • 1955 Tom Bodett, Sturgis, Michigan, voice actor (Motel 6: “We’ll leave the light on”), radio personality, author (Small Comforts, The End of the Road, America’s Historic Trails)
  • 1959 Clayton Anderson, Omaha, Nebraska, engineer, NASA astronaut (STS-117, Expedition 15/16, STS-120, STS-131)
  • 1965 Michael Dell, Houston, Texas, computer manufacturer (Founder & CEO of Dell)
  • 1970 Niecy Nash, Palmdale, California, actress / comedian (Reno 911!, 10th season of Dancing with the Stars, The Soul Man, Getting On, The Mindy Project, Scream Queens)
  • 1979 S. E. Cupp, Carlsbad, California, journalist (Crossfire) and author (Losing Our Religion: The Liberal Media’s Attack on Christianity)
  • 1981 Josh Gad, Hollywood, Florida, actor (Back to You, Jobs, 1600 Penn, voice of Olaf in Frozen, The Comedians)
  • 1983 Aziz Ansari, Columbia, South Carolina, comedian and actor (Scrubs, Parks and Recreation, Ice Age: Continental Drift, Epic, Transformers 5, Master of None)
  • 1994 Dakota Fanning, Conyers, Georgia, actress (War of the Worlds, Charlotte’s Web, The Secret Life of Bees, The Twilight Saga, Every Secret Thing. American Pastoral)

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“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.” – Søren Kierkegaard
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1455 Traditional date for the publication of the Gutenberg Bible, the first Western book printed from movable type.
  • 1836 Alamo besieged by Santa Anna; entire garrison eventually killed.
  • 1883 Alabama becomes 1st US state to enact an antitrust law.
  • 1893 Rudolf Diesel receives a patent for the diesel engine.
  • 1896 Tootsie Roll introduced by Austrian immigrant Leo Hirshfield in New York City. The candy was named after a nickname of “Tootsie” for his five-year-old daughter, Clara.
  • 1905 Chicago, IL attorney Paul Harris and 3 other businessmen form the Rotary Club, the world’s first service club.
  • 1927 The Federal Radio Commission (later renamed the Federal Communications Commission) begins to regulate the use of radio frequencies.
  • 1941 Plutonium was first produced and isolated by Dr. Glenn T. Seaborg.
  • 1945 During Battle of Iwo Jima, a group of US Marines reach the top of Mount Suribachi and raise the American flag, photographed by Joe Rosenthal. This photo later wins a Pulitzer Prize, and becomes one the most well known photos in the US.
  • 1954 The first mass vaccination of children against polio begins in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

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Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.

He bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”

The First Mate quickly got the Captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on!

The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Bring me my brown pants!!!’

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A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”

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ONE-LINERS:Fifth Grade Science Opinions . . .

~ The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top, and you sit on the bottom.
~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
~ The fours seasons are: salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
~ The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
~ A monsoon is a French gentleman.
~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
~ Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
~ You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
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Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well, so I tried to explain it as simply as possible: “I can’t get the computer to work.”

“Ah, I see,” he responded, apparently reading from an English-Something dictionary, “You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment.”

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pic of the day: Raising the Flag at Iwo Jima

WW2_Iwo_Jima
by Joe Rosenthal / The Associated Press
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man is out walking on a warm day along the edge of a remote pond. He is on the bank enjoying the view when he suddenly loses his footing and falls into the pond. The water is not deep but he does have to struggle to make it safely back to shore. He climbs out, dripping wet, and notices that his wallet is not in his pocket.

As he ponders the pond, wondering whether he should jump back in and search for his wallet, lo, what wonders appear! As he is looking at the surface of the water, he sees a school of large carp chasing something around.

One carp emerges at water surface and what does he have in its mouth but the guy’s wallet! Suddenly another carp appears at the surface and the first carp flips the wallet to the second carp who catches it in his mouth. Then a third fish appears and on and on it goes.

After watching amazed for several hours, he decided to report this strange behaviour to the experts, but they told him it was a well known phenomenon – it is known as carp-to-carp walleting.

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I was sitting at the blackjack table, distressed and wondering what I was even doing there. Just then, I remembered seeing a sign in the casino that read, “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

I pulled out my cell phone and made the call. “Hello?” and the person on the other end answered. “I have a gambling problem.”

“It’s good you called. I want to acknowledge you for taking a step in the right direction. Now, let’s get a bit more specific about your problem.”

“Okay. I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven showing. What do I do?”

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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch.”

“But you’re not wearing any of those things!” the artist said.

“I know,” she replied. “But if I should die before my husband, I’m sure he’ll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!”

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Golden Oldie… A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.

One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: How many Americans fought on the British side in the American Revolution? An estimated 50,000 Americans provided military support for the king. Not very many actually joined the British army, but thousands served in provincial regiments under Loyalist officers.

~Which coin was first with the U.S. motto? The U.S. two-cent coin was minted between 1864 and 1873 and was the first coin to bear the motto “In God We Trust”. The motto was omitted from the new gold coins issued in 1907, causing a storm of public criticism. As a result, legislation passed in May 1908 made “In God We Trust” mandatory on all coins on which it had previously appeared. Legislation approved July 11, 1955, made the appearance of “In God We Trust” mandatory on all coins and paper currency of the United States. By Act of July 30, 1956, “In God We Trust” became the national motto of the United States.

~Who invented glasses? The Chinese invented eyeglasses. Marco Polo reported seeing many pairs worn by the Chinese as early as 1275, 500 years before lens grinding became an art in the West.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Saw a wedding in the church. It was strange to see what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition. – Samuel Pepys

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . There is no man so good that if he placed all his actions and thought under the scrutiny of the laws, he would not deserve hanging ten times in his life. – Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1595