Jokes and Trivia for January 16, 2012

Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health. – Julia Child

TODAY – JANUARY 16th – MONDAY

16th day of 2012 with 350 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Martin Luther King Jr. Birthday, celebrated on the third Monday

*National Nothing Day

*National Fig Newton Day

*International Hot & Spicy Food Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

1821 John C. Breckinridge, Lexington, Kentucky, lawyer and politician; 14th Vice President of the U.S. (youngest vice president in U.S. history, inaugurated at age 36) and Confederate general.
1853 André Michelin, French industrialist (founded the Michelin Tyre Company)
1875 Leonor Michaelis, Berlin, Germany, enzyme kinetic theorist , known primarily for his work with Maud Menten on enzyme kinetics and Michaelis-Menten kinetics in 1913
1878 Harry Carey, The Bronx, New York, silent film actor (Western films as Cheyenne Harry)
1886 John Hamilton, Shippensburg, Pennsylvania, actor (Perry White on 1950s t.v. program: Adventures of Superman)
1901 Frank Zamboni, Eureka, Utah, inventor, most famous invention is the modern ice resurfacer
1908 Ethel Merman, Queens, New York, actress and singer (I Got Rhythm, I Got Rhythm, Anything Goes, There’s No Business Like Show Business)
1910 Dizzy Dean, Lucas, Arkansas, baseball player (National League pitcher: won 30 games in one season, sports commentator)
1917 Carl Karcher, Upper Sandusky, Ohio, founded the Carl’s Jr. hamburger chain
1918 Stirling Silliphant, Detroit, Michigan, writer, best known for his screenplay for In the Heat of the Night
1923 Anthony Hecht, New York City, New York, poet (one of the inventors of double dactyl, a form of light verse)
1928 William Kennedy, Albany, New York author (The Ink Truck, Legs, Billy Phelan’s Greatest Game )
1931 Robert L. Park, Kansas City, Missouri physicist, most noted for his critical commentaries on alternative medicine and pseudoscience, as well as his criticism of how legitimate science is distorted or ignored by the media, some scientists, and public policy advocates as expressed in his book Voodoo Science
1932 Dian Fossey, San Francisco, California, zoologist (studied gorilla groups for 18 years in Rwanda)
1934 Marilyn Horne, Bradford, Pennsylvania, opera singer (mezzo-soprano: Wozzeck, Love, Look Away in Flower Drum Song)
1935 A.J. Foyt, Houston, Texas, race car driver and team owner
1944 Jim Stafford, Eloise, Florida, singer and songwriter, prominent in the 1970s (Spiders & Snakes)
1946 Ronnie Milsap, Robbinsville, North Carolina, singer and songwriter (country music, 6 Grammy awards and 40 #1 country hits)
1947 Laura Schlessinger, Brooklyn, New York, radio talk show host (conservative, The Dr. Laura Program)
1950 Robert Schimmel, The Bronx, New York, Comedian, best known for his comedy albums and his appearances on HBO and The Howard Stern Show
1952 L. Blaine Hammond, Savannah, Georgia, NASA astronaut (pilot of Discovery for STS-39, STS-64)
1955 Jerry M. Linenger, East Detroit, Michigan,NASA astronaut / medical doctor (STS-64, STS-81, Mir, STS-84)
1962 Tracey Moore, Calgary, Alberta, Canada, voice actress (Princess Toadstool in The Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World)
1962 Denis O’Hare, Kansas City, Missouri, Irish-American actor (Sweet Charity, True Blood, Charlie Wilson’s War, American Horror Story)
1968 David Chokachi, Plymouth, Massachussetts, actor (Baywatch, Witchblade, Beyond the Break)
1972 Richard T. Jones, Kobe, Japan, American actor (What’s Love Got To Do With It, Event Horizon, Judging Amy, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
1979 Aaliyah, Brooklyn, New York City, R&B singer/actress
1989 Yvonne Zima, Phillipsburg, New Jersey, actress, best known for her role as Daisy Carter on The Young and the Restless

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There is not one wise man in twenty that will praise himself. – William Shakespeare

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

27 BC Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus is granted the title Augustus by the Roman Senate, marking the beginning of the Roman Empire.
1581 The English Parliament outlaws Roman Catholicism.
1605 The first edition of El ingenioso hidalgo Don Quijote de la Mancha (Book One of Don Quixote) by Miguel de Cervantes is published in Madrid, Spain.
1786 The Commonwealth of Virginia enacted the Statute for Religious Freedom authored by Thomas Jefferson.
1883 The Pendleton Civil Service Reform Act, establishing the United States Civil Service, is passed.
1900 The United States Senate accepts the Anglo-German treaty of 1899 in which the United Kingdom renounces its claims to the Samoan islands.
1909 Ernest Shackleton’s expedition finds the magnetic South Pole.
1919 Temperance movement: The United States ratifies the Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, authorizing Prohibition in the United States one year after ratification.
1920 The League of Nations holds its first council meeting in Paris, France.
1945 Adolf Hitler moves into his underground bunker, the so-called Führerbunker.
1956 President Gamal Abdal Nasser of Egypt vows to reconquer Palestine.
1968 The Youth International Party is founded.
1969 Czech student Jan Palach commits suicide by self-immolation in Prague, in protest against the Soviets’ crushing of the Prague Spring the year before.
1969 Soviet spacecraft Soyuz 4 and Soyuz 5 perform the first-ever docking of manned spacecraft in orbit, the first-ever transfer of crew from one space vehicle to another, and the only time such a transfer was accomplished with a space walk.
1970 Buckminster Fuller receives the Gold Medal award from the American Institute of Architects.
1986 First meeting of the Internet Engineering Task Force.
2001 US President Bill Clinton awards former President Theodore Roosevelt a posthumous Medal of Honor for his service in the Spanish-American War.

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Oil Change instructions for Women:

1. Pull up to “QuickieLube” at 5,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, secure in the knowledge that you are driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change:$24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00

NOW THEN…. Oil Change instructions for Men:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. Scan debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck, getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame, removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to additional oil spilled during step 31.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts:             $   50.00
DUI:               $2,500.00
Impound fee:     $   75.00
Bail:              $1,500.00
Beer:              $   20.00
TOTAL:          $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!
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ONE-LINERS: BUMPER STICKERS

Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

In America, anyone can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

I think, therefore I’m dangerous.

I bet Jesus would have used his turn signal.

Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Socialism it’s the other way around.

Actions speak louder than bumper-stickers.
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pic of the day: Guineas hiding under birdbath from the rain

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A Hollywood studio wanted to produce a film about famous composers starring top action stars. They managed to recruit Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They asked the stars which composer they would like to portray.

Stallone said, “I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.”

“Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,” said Willis.

“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Segall.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course said, “I’ll be Bach.”

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My niece and her fiance were at town hall, applying for their marriage license. After they filled out all the papers, the clerk reminded them, “This license is good for 30 days.”

“No, you don’t understand,” replied the nervous groom-to-be. “We want one that’s ’till death do us part.’”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: The Taste of A Fig Newton

~Fig Newtons were created in 1891 by the Kennedy Biscuit Works in Cambridgeport, Massachusetts. They had named many of their other cookies for nearby towns, and almost called it the “Fig Shrewsbury” before Newton won out.

~From an article in the St. Petersburg Times, 1998, it says:
“The man who originated the Fig Newton, Charles Roser put his cookie recipe to work in his factory in Kenton, Ohio, and sold out to Nabisco in 1910, says Ray Arsenault, in ‘St. Petersburg and the Florida Dream.’”

~Another side of story, according to Nabisco: “Fig Newtons were named after either Sir Isaac Newton or the town of Newton, Massachusetts.”

~Fig Newtons were one of the first commercially baked products in America.

~Over 1 billion of cookies are consumed each year, proving that it is the 3^rd most popular cookie in the US

~In the U.S., Figs typically peak from July through first frost in the South, and from August and later in the North.

~TYPES OF FIGS found in US:

Brown Turkey Figs: has brownish / copper-colored skin, often with hints of purple, and mostly pink/red flesh with some white flesh.
Celeste figs are about the size of an egg, a purplish-brown when ripe, and a dark, sweet, moist, purple flesh inside.
The Calimyrna Fig: Is known for its nut-like flavor and golden skin. This type is commonly eaten as is.
The Mission Fig: Was named for the mission fathers who planted the fruit along the California coast. This fig is a deep purple which darkens to a rich black when dried. Often called “black mission figs”.
The Kadota Fig: Is the American version of the original Italian Dattato fig, that is thick-skinned with a creamy amber color when ripe. Practically seedless, this fig is often canned and dried. A similar variety is the “Peter’s Honey” fig. Birds often leave these alone, because, since they are green when ripe, the birds don’t know they’re ripe!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. – Charles Dickens

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

We should be careful and discriminating in all the advice we give. We should be especially careful in giving advice that we would not think of following ourselves. Most of all, we ought to avoid giving counsel which we don’t follow when it damages those who take us at our word. – Adlai Stevenson