Humor for May 18, 2017

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what you were worrying about one year ago today. – E. Joseph Cossman

TODAY – MAY 18th – THURSDAY

138th day of 2017 with 227 days to follow. Moon in last quarter with 56% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ I love Reese’s Day
~ International Museum Day
~ National Cheese Souffle Day
~ No Dirty Dishes Day
~ Visit Your Relatives Day
~ World AIDS Vaccine Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1872 Bertrand Russell, England, mathematician/philosopher (Nobel 1950 Literature: “in recognition of his varied and significant writings in which he champions humanitarian ideals and freedom of thought”)
  • 1897 Frank Capra, Italy, movie director (It’s a Wonderful Life, Arsenic & Old Lace)
  • 1912 Perry [Pierino] Como, Canonsburg, Pennsylvania, singer/TV host (Perry Como Show)
  • 1920 Pope John Paul II, Poland, pope from October 1978 to April 2005
  • 1928 Pernell Roberts, Waycross, Georgia, actor (Adam Cartwright on Bonanza, Trapper John MD)
  • 1930 Fred[erick Thomas] Saberhagen, Chicago, Illinois, sci-fi author (Berserker series, Book of Swords)
  • 1952 Diane E[lizabeth] Duane, New York City, New York, sci-fi author (Door into Fire, So You Want to Be a Wizard series, Rihannsu Star Trek novels)
  • 1952 George Strait, Poteet, Texas, country singer (All My Ex’s Live in Texas, Beyond the Blue Neon)
  • 1970 Tina Fey, Upper Darby Township, Pennsylvania, actress (SNL, 3D Rock, Ponyo, The Invention of Lying, Date Night, Megamind, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot)

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The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend. ~Henry David Thoreau
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1897 Dracula, a novel by Irish author Bram Stoker is published.
  • 1917 US passes Selective Service act giving the President the power of conscription (drafting).
  • 1932 Congress approves “Lindbergh Act”, makes kidnapping a capital offense.
  • 1933 Tennessee Valley Act (TVA) Act signed by FDR, to build dams as part of the New Deal.
  • 1953 Jackie Cochran becomes the first woman to break the sound barrier (she flew in a F-86 Sabrejet at an average speed of 652.337 miles per hour (1049.835 km/h) at Rogers Dry Lake, California).
  • 1969 Apollo 10 (Stafford/Cernan/Young) launched toward lunar orbit.
  • 1980 Mount St Helens erupts in Washington State, killing 57 people and causing $3 billion in damage.
  • 2005 A second photo from the Hubble Space Telescope confirms that Pluto has two additional moons, Nix and Hydra.

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A Year 5 teacher was giving her Primary pupils a lesson in developing logical thinking.

“This is the scene,” said the teacher.

“A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.

His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A little girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

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Harry and BJ’s plane crashed in the middle of the desert. Fortunately, neither are seriously hurt. Harry states, “We are doomed to die. We are lost in the desert with little food and water.”

BJ retorts, “Harry, it is not your time to die. You will live until that time.”

Harry felt better and together they started walking.

The walked and walked, the heat beating down upon them.

Harry sank to his knees and looked to heaven and pleaded, “Lord take me now, it is too hard to walk anymore. I am thirsty and I am hungry. Please take me.”

BJ simply states, “Harry it is not your time.”

BJ helps Harry up and together they struggle on.

The night comes and with it freezing temperatures.

Again Harry pleads, “Let me die please.”

BJ responds, “Harry it is not your time.”

In the morning, Harry wakes up and reaches for the last of his drink only to find it missing, along with his food.

Harry sees BJ walking over the next sand dune and yells at him, “BJ did you see my canteen and food? Without them I will surely die today!”

BJ responds, “I have them Harry. Remember what I said to you about your time to die?

“Yes,” Harry says hoarsely.

“Well today, is your time. Bye.” And BJ disappears over the sand dune.

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ONE-LINERS: Explanation of Microsoft computer messages . . .

It says: “Press Any Key”
It means: “Press any key you like but I’m not moving.”

It says: “Press A Key”
(This one’s a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the “A” key.)

It says: “Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no. 1A4-2546512430E”
It means: “… where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to be told that it’s a hardware problem.”

It says: “Installing program to C:\….”
It means: “… And I’ll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system where you’ll NEVER find them.”

It says: “Please insert disk 11”
It means: “Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.”

It says: “Not enough memory”
It means: “I don’t CARE if you’ve got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.”

It says: “Cannot read from drive D:….”
It means: “… However, if you put the CD in correct side up…”

It says: “Please Wait….”
It means: “… Indefinitely.”

It says: “Directory does not exist….”
It means: “…. any more. Whoops.”

It says: “The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.”
It means: “…. Makes no difference to me, you’re still not getting your work back.”

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A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York, and Chicago is 100 from Philadelphia, and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?

One student in the back of the class raised his hand, and when called upon, said, “Professor, you’re 44.”

The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct. But tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”

The student said, “You see, Professor, I have a brother who is 22, and he’s HALF nuts.”

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pic of the day: Cat in the Treetops!

picture of cat in tree
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn’t stick with it.

~I considered going into the ministry but I didn’t have an altar ego.

~I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn’t “bread” for it.

~I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn’t sure wick end was up.

~I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.

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Questions and answers about Mad Cow disease.

Q. If I drink milk from an infected cow, will it harm me?
A. Of course not. I drink 5 glasses of milk a day and it doesnt bither me a bot. I am the same today as I was tomorrow.

Q. So how can I tell if I am infected from this meat?
A. They say memory is affected. What was your question?

Q. What can you do with infected cattle? Killing them seems so inhumane.
A. Well I have six in my back yard and they think they are a herd of geese.

Q. Is it true the infected cows come from Canada?
A. Let’s listen to the cows and see: “Eh Mooo, eh moo, eh meow …”

Q. Are there any infected cows in Quebec?
A. Again let’s listen: “Le Moo, Le Moo, Le meow …”

Q. How can you detect Mad cow disease in a bull?
A. He would be the one wearing high heels.

Mad cow disease is overrated. I have been eating meat from mad cows for years and it hasn’t affected my ability to turn invisible.

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The Preacher came to call the other day. He said, “At your age you should be thinking about the hereafter.”

I told him, “Oh I do all the time, no matter where I am — in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I constantly ask myself, ‘Now, what am I here after?'”

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The new pastor decided to visit the children’s Sunday school. The teacher introduced him and said, “Pastor, this morning we’re studying Joshua.”

“That’s wonderful,” said the new pastor, “let’s see what you’re learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, “Pastor, I didn’t do it.”

Taken aback, the pastor asked, “Come on, now, who tore down the walls of Jericho?”

The teacher, interrupting, said, “Pastor, Billy’s a good boy. If he says he didn’t do it, I believe he didn’t do it.”

Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director and related the story to him.

The director, looking worried, explained, “Well, sir, we’ve had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him and see what we can do.”

Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.

A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, “Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that.”

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At the Oceana, Va., Naval Air Station, I was training a young ground-crew member on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit. I glanced over to check wing clearance and when I looked back I discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward for the fuel hose to reach.

“You’ll have to send him around again,” I informed the trainee.

“What?” he said, surprised. “They spend millions on these things and you can’t put them in reverse?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Did Goober accept Minnie’s award? In 1992, Sarah Ophelia Colley Cannon, better known to country music fans as singer/comedienne Minnie Pearl, was awarded a National Medal of Arts by President George Bush. In 1994, Minnie became the first woman to be inducted into the Comedy Hall of Fame. She was too frail and sick to attend the ceremony, and so good friend and comedian George Lindsey (“Goober”) to accepted the award for her. She died in 1996 at age 83.

~Which mammal is North America’s smallest? The pigmy shrew — a relative of the mole — is the smallest mammal in North America. It weighs 1/14 ounce — less than a dime.

~What would you eat for a South Chinese breakfast? A typical breakfast in South China would likely include rice porridge with slivers of fish, frog, or preserved egg. Also a breakfast favorite is hot soybean milk with onions.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: You don’t have an attitude problem. They just have a perception problem.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If honor be your clothing, the suit will last a lifetime; but if clothing be your honor, it will soon be worn threadbare. – William Arnot