Jokes and Trivia July 8, 2011

Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging. – Joseph Campbell

FOR TODAY – JULY 8th – FRIDAY

189th day of 2011 with 176 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Video Games Day

*National Chocolate with Almonds Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1831 John S. Pemberton, Knoxville, Georgia, pharmacist, invented Coca-Cola in 1885 (Originally meant as a cure for headaches.)
1838 Ferdinand von Zeppelin, Baden-Württemberg, inventor , the founder of the Zeppelin Airship company
1839 John D. Rockefeller, Richford, New York, oil magnate (Standar Oil Company founder) and philanthropist (founder University of Chicago and Rockefeller University)
1857 Alfred Binet, French experimental psychologist (produced tests for scoring intelligence, the basis for the Stanford-Binet Tests)
1895 Igor Tamm, Vladivostok, Russian Empire, physicist, known for Cherenkov–Vavilov effect, Tamm–Dancoff approximation
1908 Nelson Rockefeller, Bar Harbor, Maine,41st Vice President of the United States, 49th Governor of New York
1926 Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Swiss-American psychiatrist (best known for studies on the psychology of dying)
1932 Jerry Vale, The Bronx, New York, singer (Have You Looked into Your Heart, Tears Keep on Falling, You Don’t Know Me)
1947 Kim Darby, Los Angeles, California, actress (starred w/John Wayne & Glen Campbell in True Grit; “Miri” episode of original Star Trek, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, The People)
1949 Wolfgang Puck, Austrian-American celebrity chef, restaurateur, tv personality (Top Chef, Iron Chef)
1951 Anjelica Huston, Santa Monica, California, actress (Prizzi’s Honor, The Grifters, The Addams Family, Tinker Bell)
1958 Kevin Bacon, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (Animal House, Diner, Footloose, Flatliners, A Few Good Men, Apollo 13, Mystic River, The Woodsman, Friday the 13th, Hollow Man, Tremors and Frost/Nixon )
1959 Robert Knepper, Fremont, Ohio, actor (Prison Break )
Toby Keith, Clinton, Oklahoma, country music singer/songwriter
1968 Michael Weatherly, New York City, actor (Tony on NCIS, Logan Cale on Dark Angel )
1970 Beck, Los Angeles, California, singer
1982 Joshua Alba, Biloxi, Mississippi, actor (Dark Angel )
1982 Sophia Bush, Pasadena, California, actress (One Tree Hill ,The Hitcher, John Tucker Must Die ,The Narrows )
1992 Sky Ferreira, Los Angeles, California, singer (As If! )
1998 Jaden Smith, Malibu, California, actor (The Pursuit of Happyness, The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Karate Kid)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Don’t get mad. Get everything! – Ivana Trump

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1663 Charles II of England grants John Clarke a Royal Charter to Rhode Island.
1680 The first confirmed tornado in America kills a servant at Cambridge, Massachusetts.
1879 Sailing ship USS Jeannette (1878) departs San Francisco carrying an ill-fated expedition to the North Pole.
1889 The first issue of the Wall Street Journal is published.
1892 St. John’s, Newfoundland is devastated in the Great Fire of 1892.
1896 William Jennings Bryan delivers his Cross of Gold speech advocating bimetalism at the 1896 Democratic National Convention in Chicago.
1948 The United States Air Force accepts its first female recruits into a program called Women in the Air Force (WAF).
1969 IBM CICS is made generally available for the 360 mainframe computer.
1970 Richard Nixon delivers a special congressional message enunciating Native American Self-Determination as official US Indian policy, leading to the Indian Self-Determination Act.
1997 NATO invites the Czech Republic, Hungary, and Poland to join the alliance in 1999.
1999 Allen Lee Davis is executed by electric chair by the state of Florida, the last use of the electric chair for capital punishment in Florida.
2007 Boeing unveiled its first 787 in a roll-out ceremony at its Everett assembly factory.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

This man just could not remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided him with the dates and instructions to send flowers along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, “Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. ‘Good lord!’ he screamed, ‘one of the engines just blew up!’

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

‘Say,’ spoke up an alert passenger, ‘aren’t those parachutes?’

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, ‘But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?’ ‘

There isn’t,’ replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. ‘We’re going to get help.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS :

~If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

~I went for a walk last night & my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, “The whole time.”

~We know the speed of light…so what’s the speed of dark?

~How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

~After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

~Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

THE PETTY OFFICER working for me aboard the USS Cape Cod had just qualified as the in-port officer of the deck. She was standing on her first four-hour watch and sent two young sailors to raise the flag for morning colors. Soon she received a call informing her that the color guard had raised the flag upside down.

Recalling the qualifications board she’d just passed, she quickly answered, “Well, it’s either a mistake, a distress signal or the ship is upside down!” – Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Dennis Digges

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Seattle, Washington

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, ‘There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.’

‘That doesn’t matter,’ replied the blonde, ‘if I only can sell the car.’

‘Okay,’ said the brunette. ‘Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.’

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, ‘Did you sell your car?’

‘No,’ replied the blonde, ‘why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Old Andrzej was a minister in a small Polish town. He had always been a good man and lived by the Bible. One day God decided to reward him, with the answer to any three questions Andrzej would like to ask.

Old Andrzej did not need much time to consider, and the first question was: ‘Will there ever be married Catholic priests?’

God promptly replied: ‘Not in your life-time.’

Andrzej thought for a while, and then came up with the second question: ‘what about female priests then, will we have that one day?’

Again God had to disappoint Old Andrzej: ‘Not in your life-time, I’m afraid.’

Andrzej was sorry to hear that, and he decided to drop the subject. After having though for a while, he asked the last question: ‘Will there ever be another Polish pope?’

God answered quickly and with a firm voice, ‘Not in My life time.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said ‘NIL.’ White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.

The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, “Is Nothing Sacred?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven – others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellows curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldnt help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle; they’re too wet to burn!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Flight 1234,” the control tower advised, “turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.”

“Roger,” the pilot responded, “but we’re at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

“Sir,” the radar man replied, “have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: VIDEO GAMES

~The average game player is 33 years old and has been playing games for 12 years.

~Mario is all time best selling (222 million) video game franchise followed by Pokemon (193 million) and Tetris (125 million).

~Atari Lynx was the first color portable video game system introduced in 1989 and priced at $149.

~Xbox’s original name was DirectXbox, it was created by DirectX developers.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

LIFE LESSON: Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas A Edison

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: If you don’t think every day is a good day, just try missing one. – Cavett Robert

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus when the limo breaks down. – Oprah Winfrey