Jokes and Trivia for July 13, 2011

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

FOR TODAY – JULY 13th – WEDNESDAY

194th day of 2011 with 171 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Barbershop Music Appreciation Day

*Embrace Your Geekness Day

*Fool’s Paradise Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

100 BC Julius Caesar, Roman Emperor
1527 John Dee, London, England, scientist, believed that numbers were the basis of all things and the key to knowledge, that God’s creation was an act of numbering
1864 John Jacob Astor IV, Rhinebeck, New York , entrepreneur
1900 George Lewis, New Orleans, Louisiana, jazz clarinetist (Burgundy St. Blues)
1928 Bob Crane, Waterbury, Connecticut, actor / disc jockey (Robert E. Hogan of Hogan’s Heroes)
1940 – Patrick Stewart, English actor (Captain Jean-Luc Picard / Star Trek; Professor Xavier / X-Men; The Lion in Winter, Eleventh Hour, American Dad)
1941 Robert Forster, Rochester, New York, actor (Medium Cool, Jackie Brown )
1942 Harrison Ford, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Star Wars trilogy, Indiana Jones trilogy, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, Blade Runner, Air Force One, The Fugitive)
1942 Roger McGuinn, Chicago, Illinois, singer-songwriter and guitarist (The Byrds)
1944 Ernő Rubik, Budapest, Hungary, inventor (best known for the invention of mechanical puzzles including Rubik’s Cube, Rubik’s Magic, Rubik’s Magic: Master Edition, Rubik’s Snake and Rubik’s 360 )
1966 Gil Birmingham, San Antonio, Texas, actor (Twilight, End of the Spear, Dreamkeeper and The Doe Boy )
1968 Robert Gant, Tampa, Florida, actor (Kiss Me Deadly )
1977 Ashley Scott, Metairie, Louisiana, actress (Birds of Prey, Dark Angel and Jericho)

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Goodwill is the one and only asset that competition cannot undersell or destroy. - Marshall Field

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1863 New York Draft Riots: in New York City, opponents of conscription begin three days of rioting which will be later regarded as the worst in United States history.
1878 Treaty of Berlin: the European powers redraw the map of the Balkans. Serbia, Montenegro and Romania become completely independent of the Ottoman empire.
1905 The verdict in the six-month long Smarthavicharam trial of Kuriyedath Thathri is pronounced, leading to the excommunication of 65 men of various castes.
1923 The Hollywood Sign is officially dedicated in the hills above Hollywood, Los Angeles. It originally reads “Hollywoodland ” but the four last letters are dropped after renovation in 1949.
1941 World War II: Montenegrins start a popular uprising against the Axis Powers (Trinaestojulski ustanak).
1973 Alexander Butterfield reveals the existence of the Nixon tapes to the special Senate committee investigating the Watergate break in.
1977 The New York City Blackout of 1977 lasts for 25 hours and results in looting and other disorder.
1985 The Live Aid benefit concert takes place in London and Philadelphia, as well as other venues such as Sydney and Moscow.
1985 United States Vice President George H.W. Bush becomes the Acting President for the day when President Ronald Reagan undergoes surgery to remove polyps from his colon.
1990 An earthquake with its epicentre in Afghanistan results in the greatest number of fatalities in a mountaineering accident in High Asian mountains when an avalanche kills 43 climbers in Camp I on Pik Lenina (Lenin Peak).
2002 A lightning strike sets off the Sour Biscuit Fire in Oregon and northern California, which had burned 499,570 acres (2,020 km2) when finally contained on September 5.

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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

“We don’t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter.

“You don’t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was the reply.

“So I can’t order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?”

“That’s right.” So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

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ONE-LINERS :

~ I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

~ If all is not lost, where is it?

~ Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

~ The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

~ It was all so different before everything changed.

~ It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

~ The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

~ Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

~ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

~ A closed mouth gathers no feet.

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says, “Hey give me an ML.” The bartender nods his head and hands her a Miller Lite.

Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a BL.” Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a Bud Lite.

Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, “Give me a Fifteen.”

“A Fifteen?” the bartender replies, “What the heck is that?”

“Oh, you know,” the blonde says, “A Seven and Seven.”

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pic of the day: Daylily at night

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “Sir, I’m really concerned… I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.”

“Yes, doctor, but she’s a great cook and really good with the kids…”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“What are you reading?”
“It’s a book about electricity.”
“Oh, current events?”
“No, just some light reading.”

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Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”

Sam: “I don’t know.”

Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”

Sam: “Bow, wow, wow!”

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I REALIZED just how fully a Navy friend of mine had been indoctrinated in antisubmarine warfare when I asked him whether he knew the sex of the baby his wife was expecting.

“We believe it’s a boy,” he answered, “but that analysis is based solely on low-confidence acoustic intelligence.”

“He means,” his wife clarified, “I had a sonogram.” - from “Humor In Uniform” by Lt. Col. James T. Currie~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A girl goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, there’s something wrong with me. Whenever I touch my cheek it hurts. Whenever I touch my shoulder it hurts. Same with my knee cap!”

“Your finger is broken.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: RONALD REAGAN

~ Reagan was born Feb. 6, 1911 in Tampico, Illinois.

~In 1920, the family settled in Dixon, Illinois, which he later considered to be his hometown.

~Reagan got his nickname “Dutch” from his father, who called him a “fat little Dutchman.”

~As a lifeguard at Lowell Park in Dixon, Reagan was credited with saving 77 lives during the seven summers he worked there starting in 1926.

~In a foreshadowing of his later life, Reagan was elected student body president while attending Eureka college.

~He became a mass media came as a sports broadcaster in Davenport, Iowa.

~As an affiliate with NBC doing Chicago Cubs games, he received exposure as a national broadcaster in 1932.

~ In 1937, he enlisted in the Army Reserve, achieving the rank of 2nd lieutenant.

~ While in California covering the Cubs’ spring training, an agent for Warner Bros. discovered Reagan and signed him to a seven-year contract, also in 1937.

~ His debut film was “Love Is on the Air,” in which he played a radio broadcaster uncovering corruption in a local government.

~ Reagan would go on to be in films and movies for the next 27 years until he went into California politics.

~The film “Dark Victory” marked a turning point in Reagan’s movie career in 1939. Bette Davis and Humphrey Bogart starred in the film while the future president would have minor part.

~ Reagan became nationally known as having political savvy when he gave speeches at various General Electric plants across the country.

~It was inn California on Oct. 27, 1964, Reagan’s political career began when he spoke in favor of Barry Goldwater.

~ His autobiography entitled “Where’s the Rest of Me?” was published in 1965. The title is from one of Reagan’s movie lines.

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LIFE LESSON: Don’t be afraid to fail. Don’t waste energy trying to cover up failure. Learn from your failures
and go on to the next challenge. It’s OK. If you’re not failing, you’re not growing. – H. Stanley Judd

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you want to make enemies, try to change something. – President Woodrow Wilson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act but a habit. – Aristotle