Jokes and Trivia for July 14, 2011

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself. After all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century. -Dame Edna Everage

FOR TODAY – JULY 14th – THURSDAY

195th day of 2011 with170 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Bastille Day

*Pandemonium Day

*National Nude Day

*National Gummy Worm Day

*National Tapioca Pudding Day

*National Grand Marnier Day

*Pick Blueberries Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1834 James Abbott McNeill Whistler, Lowell, Massachusetts, artist (Whistler’s Mother)
1857 Frederick L. Maytag, Elgin, Illinois, founded Maytag washing machine company
1903 Irving Stone, San Francisco, California, author (Love is Eternal, Lust for Life)
1906 Tom Carvel, Greek-born American businessman and inventor (invention of soft ice cream; founder of Carvel brand and franchise; considered father of modern franchising in the U.S.)
1910 William Hanna, Melrose, New Mexico, animator (Hanna-Barbera)
1912 “Woodie” Guthrie, Okemah, Oklamoa, folk singer (This Land Is Your Land)
1913 Gerald R Ford [Leslie King], Omaha, Nebraska, 41st VP (1973-74), 38th president (R-1974-77)
1918 Jay Wright Forrester, Anselmo, Nebraska, computer pioneer (invented random-access magnetic core memory)
1921 Geoffrey Wilkinson, English chemist (Nobel; pioneered inorganic chemistry and homogeneous transition metal catalysis)
1930 Polly Bergen, Knoxville, Tennessee, actress / singer / entrepreneur (Cape Fear, Kisses for My President, The Winds of War, War and Remembrance, Commander-inChief; Polly Bergen cosmetics)
1932 Roosevelt Grier, Cuthbert, Georgia, football player and actor (PA State University/National Collegiate Athletic Association 100th anniversary list of 100 most influential student athletes. Pro/ member of Fearsome Foursome of the Los Angeles Rams, Pro Bowl twice. Worked as bodyguard for Robert Kennedy during 1968 presidential campaign, guarding senator’s wife, Ethel Kennedy, during the Robert F. Kennedy assassination. Although unable to prevent that killing, Grier took control of the gun and subdued the shooter, Sirhan Sirhan.)
1939 Sid Haig, Fresno, California,actor (Batman, Star Trek, Mission: Impossible, Gunsmoke, The Rockford Files, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Fantasy Island, Sledge Hammer!, The A-Team, The Fall Guy, and MacGyver )
1952 – Franklin Graham, Asheville, North Carolina, evangelist (president/CEO Billy Graham Evangelistic Association (BGEA) & Samaritan’s Purse)
1960 Jane Lynch, Dolton, Illinois, actress, comedian and singer (Glee )
1961 Jackie Earle Haley, Northridge, California, actor (Breaking Away, The Bad News Bears, ,Little Children )
1966 Juliet Cesario, actress (You’re Under Arrest, Oh! My Goddess )
1966 Brian Selznick, East Brunswick, New Jersey, author and illustrator for children’s books (The Invention of Hugo Cabret, The Dinosaurs of Waterhouse Hawkins)
1966 Tanya Donelly, Newport, Rhode Island , singer-songwriter and guitarist (Throwing Muses, Belly)
1966 Matthew Fox, Crowheart, Wyoming, actor (Party of Five, Lost )
1984 Nansy Stergiopoulou, Athens, Greece , singer (Hi-5)
1989 Sean Flynn, Los Angeles, California, actor (Zoey 101 )

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We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe. – Cardinal Newman

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1769 An expedition led by Gaspar de Portolà establishes a base in California and sets out to find the Port of Monterey (now Monterey, California).
1789 Bastille Day: citizens of Paris storm Bastille prison.
1850 First public demonstration of ice made by refrigeration.
1867 Alfred Nobel demonstrated dynamite for the first time at a quarry in Redhill, Surrey.
1868 Tape measure enclosed in a circular case patented in US by AJ Fellows of New Haven, Connecticut.
1914 First patent for liquid-fueled rocket design granted to Dr. Robert H. Goddard. (His first rocket reached a height of 12.5 metres.)
1943 In Joplin, Missouri, the George Washington Carver National Monument becomes the first United States National Monument in honor of an African American.
1965 The Mariner 4 flyby of Mars takes the first close-up photos of another planet.
1969 The United States $500, $1,000, $5,000 and $10,000 bills are officially withdrawn from circulation.
1992 386BSD is released by Lynne Jolitz and William Jolitz beginning the Open Source Operating System Revolution. Linus Torvalds release his Linux soon afterwards.
2000 A powerful solar flare, later named the Bastille Day event, causes a geomagnetic storm on Earth.
2002 French President Jacques Chirac escapes an assassination attempt unscathed during Bastille Day celebrations.
2003 The United States Government admits to the existence of “Area 51″.

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In Howard County, Texas, police officers write their reports by hand, and the information is entered into a database later by a computer tech.

One tech was a bit startled to see a theft report stating that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that it must be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. “Is it true that you lost 2,025 pigs?”

“Yep.”

The tech understood immediately. Being a Howard County girl herself, she entered: “Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.”

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw then opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

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ONE-LINERS : A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

~ Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

~ Gun wounds again?

~ Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

~ A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

~ How can you use my intestines as a gift?

~ Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

~ Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

~ You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

~ I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

~ You daring lousy guy.

~ Beat him out of recognizable shape!

~ I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

~ Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

~ The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

And finally…

~ Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

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A lady is walking down the street to work and she see’s a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,’Hey lady, you are really ugly.’ Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her,’Hey lady, you are really ugly.’

Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, ‘Hey lady, you are really ugly.’

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said,’That’s not good.’ and promised he wouldn’t say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, ‘Hey lady.’

She paused and said,’Yes?’

The bird said, ‘You know.’

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pic of the day: Turtle, Opossum, and Frog Decorations

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Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

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There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the ”Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a ”1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and ”screwdrivers.”

Sincerely,

I. Getscrewed Everyear

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Pasteurize: Too far to see.

~ Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.

~ Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.

~ Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

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George III, after having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over.

“What’s this?” said his majesty.

“The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,” was the answer.

“Take it back, take it back,” said the king, laughing; “it will do very well for the next horse you sell.”

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A new Perfect Husband Shopping Center opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men to find the perfect husband. It was laid out on five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended the floors. The only rule was that once you open the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you go up a floor, you can’t go back down except to leave the store.

So, a couple of girlfriends go to the store to find a man to marry. The first-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say, “Well, that’s wonderful, but…” and wonder what’s on the next floor.

The second-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.”

“Hmmmm,” say the girls. “Wonder what’s further up?”

The third-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and will help with the housework.”

“Wow!!!” say the women. “Very tempting…. but there’s more further up!!!”

The fourth-floor sign reads: “These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, will help with the housework, and are great in bed.”

“Oh mercy me. But just think!!! What must be awaiting us further up?!” say the women. So up to the fifth floor they go.

The fifth-floor sign reads: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: WORMS

~When earthworms tunnel through the ground they bring air into the soil. This allows plant roots to grow more easily.

~If a worm is cut in half, only the part of the body that has the head will live.

~More than 3,000 species of earthworm exist in the world.

~ An earthworm has both male and female reproductive organs, which is termed a “hermaphrodite”.

~ Worms cannot hear or see.

~Worms can have between 1-5 pairs of hearts.

~They use their skin to breathe for they don’t have lungs.

~The largest earthworm ever found was in South Africa and measured 22 feet from its nose to the tip of its tail.

~Charles Darwin spent 39 years studying earthworms more than 100 years ago.

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LIFE LESSON: Love life and life will love you back. Love people and they will love you back. - Arthur Rubinstein

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. – George Bernard Shaw

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: There are many things in life that will catch your eye. But only a few will catch your heart. – Ben Crenshaw