You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance. – W. Somerset Maugham
FOR TODAY – JULY 15th – FRIDAY
196th day of 2011 with 169 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
* National Tapioca Pudding Day
* Cow Appreciation Day
* Respect Canada Day
* I Love Horses Day
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
- 1606 Rembrandt van Rijn, Netherlands, painter (Night Watch)
- 1779 Clement Clarke Moore, New York City, New York, professor / author (‘Twas the Night Before Xmas)
- 1796 Thomas Bulfinch, Newton, Massachusetts, mythologist (Bulfinch’s Mythology)
- 1921 Robert Bruce Merrifield, Fort Worth, Texas, biochemist (Nobel / solid phase peptide synthesis)
- 1922 Leon M. Lederman, New York, experimental physicist (Nobel / neutrinos), Director Emeritus of Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory
- 1929 Charles Anthony Caruso, New Orleans, Louisiana, tenor (Has distinction of appearing in more performances at the metropolitan Opera than any other performer, working there for 50 years & retiring Jan. 28, 2010)
- 1931 Clive Cussler, Aurora, Illinois, marine archaeologist, founder of National Underwater and Marine Agencey (NUMA), and author (Dirk Pitt, NUMA Files & Oregon Files adventure novels; Isaac Bell tales and Fargo Adventures)
- 1934 Louise Fletcher, actress, Birmingham, Alabama (Nurse Ratched in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest; Kai Winn Adami, ST: DS9)
- 1938 Barry GoldwaterJr., Scottsdale, Arizona, politician (U.S. House of Representatives for California 1969-1975)
- 1939 Patrick Wayne, Los Angeles, California, actor (Rio Grande, Green Berets, Rounder, Shirley, Beyond Atlantis)
- 1943 Jocelyn Bell Burnell, Northern Ireland, astrophysicist (discovered first radio pulsars w/ supervisor Antony Hewish)
- 1944 Jan-Michael Vincent, Denver, Colorado, actor (Hooper, Airwolf – Stringfellow Hawke)
- 1946 Linda Ronstadt, Tucson, Arizona, singer (Different Drum, Blue Bayou)/actress (Pirates of Penzance)
- 1951 Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Minneapolis, Minnesota, wrestler/actor (Predator, Running Man), 38th governor of Minnesota
- 1952 Terrance Quinn, Sault Sainte Marie, Michigan, actor (John Locke on Lost, The Rocketeer, The Stepfather)
- 1960 Kim Alexis, Lockport, New York, model (Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover), tv host and actor
- 1961 Forest Whitaker, Longview, Texas, actor (Bloodsport, Bird, Platoon, Stakeout, Battlefield Earth, Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai)
- 1967 Adam Savage, New York City, New York, industrial design and special effects designer/fabricator, actor, educator (co-host of Mythbusters)
- 1962 Brigitte Nielsen, Denmark, actress (Red Sonja, Rocky IV, Cobra, Beverly Hills Cop II)
- 1976 Diane Kruger, German actress and former model (Helen in Troy, National Treasue, Inglourious Basterds, Mr. Nobody, Unknown)
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Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today. - Benjamin Franklin
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
- 1869 Margarine is patented in Paris, for use by French Navy.
- 1870 Hudson’s Bay & Northwest Territories transferred to Canada.
- 1870 Manitoba becomes 5th Canadian province & NW Territories created.
- 1888 Bandai volcano (Japan) erupts for 1st time in 1,000 years.
- 1893 Commodore Perry arrives in Japan.
- 1916 The Boeing Co., originally known as Pacific Aero Products, was founded in Seattle by William Boeing.
- 1922 1st duck-billed platypus publicly exhibited in US, at NY zoo.
- 1941 Florey & Heatley present freeze dried mold cultures (Pencillin).
- 1948 President Truman nominated for another term.
- 1954 1st commercial jet transport plane built in US tested (Boeing 707).
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Bernie was invited to his friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”
Morris hung his head and whispered,” To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”
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A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up. The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test.
The company boss says, “Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.”
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the first crew returns. “YAY!!” they shout. “We came back first, we get the job!!”
“Good work, men,” says the boss, “However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they’re delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.”
“Fine, no problem,” say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the other crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
“What happened to you? What took so long?” asks the boss incredulously.
“What do you mean, ‘what took so long?’ Do we get the job?”
“YOU get the job? No way! The other men were back here HOURS ago!”
“Well, of course they were — they only put the pole in halfway!”
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ONE-LINERS : EVER WONDER…..
…why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
…why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
…why you don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
…why “abbreviated” is such a long word?
…why doctors call what they do “practice”?
…why you have to click on “Start” to stop Windows 98?
…why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
…why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
…why there isn’t mouse-flavored cat food?
…who tastes dog food when it has a “new &improved” flavor?
…why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?
…why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
…why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?
…why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?
…why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
…if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
…why they call the airport “the terminal” if flying is so safe?
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Story of a Physics student who got the following question in an exam:
“You are given an accurate barometer, how would you use it to determine the height of a skyscraper ?”
He answered: “Go to the top floor, tie a long piece of string to the barometer, let it down ’till it touches the ground and measure the length of the string”.
The examiner wasn’t satisfied, so they decided to interview the guy:
“Can you give us another method, one which demonstrates your knowledge of Physics ?”
“Sure, go to the top floor, drop the barometer off, and measure how long before it hits the ground……”
“Not, quite what we wanted, care to try again ?”
“Make a pendulum of the barometer, measure its period at the bottom, then measure its period at the top……”
“..another try ?….”
“Measure the length of the barometer, then mount it vertically on the ground on a sunny day and measure its shadow, measure the shadow of the skyscraper…..”
“….and again ?….”
“walk up the stairs and use the barometer as a ruler to measure the height of the walls in the stairwells.”
“…One more try ?”
“Find where the janitor lives, knock on his door and say ‘Please, Mr. Janitor, if I give you this nice Barometer, will you tell me the height of this building ?”
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pic of the day: Robbers Cave State Park in Oklahoma
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After living in a remote wilderness all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
He bought the ‘picture’, but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn’t like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the old gal he’s runnin’ after.”
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A traveller was driving through Arkansas when he lost his way and got off the main highway.
As he drove by, he saw rows and rows of pigsties and pigpens and pigs running in fields and pigs wallowing in mud. Suddenly, his eye caught something really strange. He did a double take, muttered to himself and then looked a third time. He wondered if he had seen correctly – it looked like a pig with a wooden leg!
He found the lane to the farm and drove up into the farmyard, where he was met by the farmer. “Excuse me,” the traveller said. “I was just driving by and looking at all your pigs, and I noticed something that I just had to stop and ask about. Tell me, did I see right? Is there really a pig out there with a wooden leg?”
The farmer smiled. “Oh, that would be old Caesar you saw. He’s the finest pig a man could ever hope to have – and smart! Well, let me tell you a little about that pig. You see that barge down there on the river? That’s a mining dredge, taking out platinum ore. Old Caesar sniffed out the vein and showed us how to set it up. Now that dredge brings me in about $120,000 every year.
“There’s another thing, too, a little more personal. One night a couple of years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. That started a fire in the house and old Caesar smelled the smoke. He came in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and got me out.
There is no question about it – that night old Caesar saved all our lives and you know that is not the sort of thing a man is going to forget too easily.”
“Why,” the traveler said, “this is all amazing! I have never heard of a pig like this before! This is fantastic! But tell me, how did he get that wooden leg? Was he in a wreck or something?”
The farmer laughed and said, “Well, naturally, when you have a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at one time!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
R. Boles was an amazing man. Every day, he would climb a palm tree and fly it to work. Word got to the military about the abilities of this man. They brought him to the base to see if the rumors were true and if his abilities might be used. The man was worried because he could see no palm trees. But nobody would listen.
They told him, “Trees is trees, right?”Anyway, they brought him to the general, who wanted him to demonstrate what he could do.
He said, “But sir, this is an elm tree.”But the general snarled back, “Trees is trees, right? Now get in that tree, and fly.”
The man climbed the tree and tried to fly it. He tried and tried again, but the tree wooden even budge. The general got impatient. “What’s the matter, son? Can’t you fly trees?”
“Sir, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell everyone. I’m a palm pilot!”
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A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which
one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison: “You, Daddy!”
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My two-year-old son was with me in the grocery store as I was using my few remaining brain cells to try and determine what kind of milk to buy. Suddenly, in the loudest voice I had ever heard him use up to that point, my son announced to all, near and far, “Mommy! Don’t hit me!”
Not finding any handy holes nearby in which to crawl, I responded in an equally loud voice, “Why, son! You know I never hit you!”
And then he responded in a normal voice level, “I know. I just don’t want you to start.”
And that right there is why my husband and I decided to stop with one.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: COW
~Cows are very social animals. They form large herds and just like people, they will bond to some herd members while avoiding others.
~They communicate with each other through “ moo”
~No two cows have exactly the same pattern of black spots on their white body..
~Cows can live 25 years. Wanna know the age of the cow? You can guess the age of a cow that has horns by counting the number of rings on the horns. Before counting, make sure the horns belong to a cow.
~A cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day.
~One cow produces from 200,000 to 350,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.
~The record milk production for a single cow in a year is 55,660 pounds of milk.
~ 1,000 to 1,400 pounds is the ideal weight of the cow.
~A 1,000 pound cow produces an average of 10 tons of manure a year. For Ladies – if you marry a dairy farmer, be prepared to hear at the dinner table on a regular basis a discussion of manure.
~Each day a cow spends 6 hours eating and 8 hours chewing her cud.
~You have probably heard that a cow has four stomachs. Not true.
~India has 30% of the world’s cattle, but because the cow is respected as a sacred animal, it is allowed to roam the streets in towns and cities unharmed. Is that where we got the phrase, ‘holy cow’?
~Do not sit too close to the field whenever you watch a World Championship Cow Chip Throw held every April in Beaver, Oklahoma.
~If you want your cow to produce more milk, there is study have shown that classical music helps cows produce more milk.
~It takes all the milk from 330,000 cows each year to fill the milk needs of Wal-Mart.
~The milk bottle was invented in 1884. Plastic milk containers came later – in 1964.
~The “got milk” mustache advertising campaign began in 1995.
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LIFE LESSON: Our greatest happiness does not depend on the condition of life in which chance has places us. But is always the result of a good conscience, good healthy, occupation, and freedom in all just pursuits. - Thomas Jefferson
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QUIP OF THE DAY: The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lilly Tomlin
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: When I’m trusting and being myself… everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously. – Shakti Gawain
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