Jokes and Trivia for July 18, 2011

You can’t be angry with God and not believe in him at the same time. – Sara B. Cooper

FOR TODAY – JULY 18th – MONDAY

199th day of 2011 with 166 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Caviar Day

*Nelson Mandela International Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1635 Robert Hooke, Isle of Wight, England, scientist, known for Hooke’s Law, Microscopy, applied the word ‘cell’
1811 William Makepeace Thackeray, England, Victorian novelist (Vanity Fair)
1853 Hendrik Lorentz, Arnhem, Netherlands, physicist, Nobel Prize laureate for the discovery and theoretical explanation of the Zeeman effect
1909 Harriet Nelson (Peggy Lou Snyder), Des Moines, Iowa, actress (The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet)
1913 Red Skelton, Vincennes, Indiana, comedian (Clem Kadiddlehopper, Freddie the Freeloader)
1918 Nelson Mandela, Union of South Africa, President of South Africa from 1994-1999, imprisoned for 27 years, winner of Nobel Peace Prize
1921 John H Glenn Jr, Cambridge, Ohio, Col USMC astronaut (Mercury 6, Sen-D-OH) oldest person in space (1998, Discovery STS-95)
1923 Jerome H. Lemelson, Staten Island, New York, inventor, famous for his submarine patents
1929 Dick Button, Englewood, New Jersey, commentator/figure skater (Olympic gold-1948, 1952)
1937 Roald Hoffman, Złoczów, Poland, Polish-born chemist, known for reaction mechanisms
1938 Ian Stewart, Fife, Scotland, musician (keyboardist, co-founder of The Rolling Stones)
1940 James Brolin, Los Angeles, California, actor (Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Westworld, Capricorn One, Dr. Steven Kiley on Marcus Welby, M.D., The West Wing)
1941 Martha Reeves, Eufaula, Alabama, singer (Martha and the Vandellas)
1947 Steve Forbes, Morristown, New Jersey, entrepreneur and politician (Forbes magazine)
1948 Hartmut Michel, Ludwigsburg, German chemist, known for crystallisation of membrane proteins
1954 Ricky Skaggs, Lawrence County, Kentucky, country & bluegrass singer and musician (Toy Hearts, 2 Different Worlds)
1967 Vin Diesel, New York City, New York, actor (Chronicles of Riddick, Saving Private Ryan, The Fast and the Furious)
1979 Jason Weaver, Chicago, Illinois, actor (The Jacksons: An American Dream )
1980 Kristen Bell, Huntington Woods, Michigan, actress (Polish Wedding, Veronica Mars, Gossip Girl, Heroes)

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Life is tough, and if you have the ability to laugh at it you have the ability to enjoy it. - Salma Hayek

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1914 The U.S. Congress forms the Aviation Section, U.S. Signal Corps, giving definite status to aircraft within the U.S. Army for the first time.
1925 Adolf Hitler publishes his personal manifesto Mein Kampf.
1955 The first Disneyland theme park, in Anaheim, California, officially opens to the public.
1965 Russian satellite Zond 3 launched.
1966 Gemini 10 launched.
1968 The Intel Corporation is founded in Santa Clara, California.
1984 McDonald’s massacre in San Ysidro, California: in a fast-food restaurant, James Oliver Huberty opens fire, killing 21 people and injuring 19 others before being shot dead by police.
1986 A tornado is broadcast live on KARE television in Minnesota when the station’s helicopter pilot makes a chance encounter.
1992 The ten victims of the La Cantuta massacre disappear from their university in Lima.
1994 The bombing of the Asociación Mutual Israelita Argentina (Argentinian Jewish Communal Center) in Buenos Aires kills 85 people (mostly Jewish) and injures 300.
1995 On the Caribbean island of Montserrat, the Soufriere Hills volcano erupts. Over the course of several years, it devastates the island, destroying the capital and forcing most of the population to flee.
1996 Storms provoke severe flooding on the Saguenay River, beginning one of Quebec’s costliest natural disasters ever.
1996 Battle of Mullaitivu. The Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam capture the Sri Lanka Army’s base, killing over 1200 Army soldiers.

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Three friends — a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician — were discussing which profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said: “Eve was created from Adam’s rib – a surgical procedure. My profession must be the oldest!”

The engineer replied: “Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos. That was an engineering job! My profession is the oldest.”

Then the politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”

Yep, he got it right!

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ONE-LINERS :

~By candle-light nobody would have taken you for above five-and-twenty.

~I’ve never known a person who lives to 110 who is remarkable for anything else.

~If youth knew; if age could. -Henri Estienne.

~Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.

~You can always tell when a man is well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.

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In a grammar lesson in eighth grade, Mrs. Frobisher said, “Dewey, give me a sentence with a direct object.”

Dewey replied, “Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school.”

“Thank you, Dewey,” responded Mrs. Frobisher, “but what is the object?”

“To get the best grade possible,” said Dewey.

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pic of the day: Foster Falls In New River Trail State Park of southeastern Tennessee

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Three kids were bragging about how tough they were.

The first kid says, “I’m so tough, I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week.”

“I’m so tough,” chimes in the second kid, “I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day.”

“That’s nothing,” brags the third boy. “I’m so tough I can wear out *both* my Grandma and Grandpa in about an hour.”

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A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message:

“Due to lack of activity,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~When the detectives on the police force observed suspects dining in the city’s best restaurant, it was their favorite steak out.

~”Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx.

~A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

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OUR DAUGHTER Laura enlisted, and soon we were receiving descriptive letters about boot camp. “Until I joined the Army,” she wrote, “I never realized that 4:30 comes around twice a day!”
–Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Penny Norlin

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Teacher: Donald, how do you spell crocodile?

Donald: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

Teacher: No, that’s incorrect.

Donald: Maybe it is, but you asked me how I spell it.

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ONE BROILING TEXAS DAY during World War II, I drove out to Fort Swift to pick up my husband. The new sentry at the gate was standing stiffly at attention. “Dismount to be recognized,” came his surprisingly formal order. I held out my pass, expecting to be waved on.

“Dismount to be recognized!” he barked again. I had kicked off my shoes but couldn’t locate them now. So, hot, rumpled and barefoot, I clambered out for official inspection. The soldier, ramrod-straight, clicked his heavy boots together. Then with a wistful glance at my bare feet, he sighed and said, “Gee, I’ll bet that feels good!” - Virginia Lohela

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: DISNEYLAND

~Disneyland was the world’s first Disney park. Disney World in Florida opened in 1971, and Disney’s California Adventure opened in 2001.

~In its more than 55 year history, the park has entertained more than 515 million guests.

~The Disneyland Monorail was the first daily operating monorail in the western hemisphere opened in 1959.

~The original price of the park’s land and initial attractions was $16 million.

~The Matterhorn Bobsleds coaster was the first tubular steel roller coaster in the world

~The park sits on 160 acres of land, but only 85 acres are open to the public.

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LIFE LESSON: Success is meaningless if you can’t sleep at night because of harsh things said, petty secrets sharpened against hard and stony regret, just waiting to be plunged into the soft underbelly of a ‘friendship. – Margaret Cho

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QUIP OF THE DAY: We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Accept the pain, cherish the joys, resolve the regrets; then can come the best of benedictions – ‘If I had my life to live over, I’d do it all the same. – Joan McIntosh