Jokes and Trivia for July 22, 2013

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein

TODAY – JULY 22nd – MONDAY

203rd day of 2013 with 162 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Pi Approximation Day

*Hammock Day

*Ratcatcher’s Day

*Spoonerism Day

*National Penuche Fudge Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1844 Rev William Archibald Spooner, London, England, priest and scholar, invented “spoonerisms”
  • 1849 Emma Lazarus, New York City, New York, poet (“The New Colossus”- base of Statue of Liberty)
  • 1882 Edward Hopper, Nyack, New York, painter (House by the Railroad)
  • 1887 Gustav Hertz, German quantum physicist (Nobel 1925/inelastic electron collisions in gases)
  • 1890 Rose Kennedy, Boston, Maine, Kennedy family matriarch
  • 1893 Karl Menninger, Topeka, Kansas, psychiatrist (Dean of American Psychiatry)
  • 1898 Alexander Calder, Lawnton, Pennsylvania, sculptor (Invented the mobile, a kinetic sculpture with balanced or suspended parts)
  • 1898 Stephen Vincent Benet, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, writer/poet (John Brown’s Body, The Devil & Daniel Webster)
  • 1908 Amy Vanderbilt, NYC, New York, authority on etiquette (Complete Book of Etiquette)
  • 1914 Edward (Rolke) Farber, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, pioneer in electronic lighting (inventor of flash for cameras)
  • 1923 Robert Dole, Russell, Kansas, attorney and politician (Kansas Senator, Gerald Ford’s running mate in 1976 presidential election, Republican nominee in presidential election 1996)
  • 1928 Orson Bean, Burlington, Vermont, actor/comedian (I’ve Got a Secret, To Tell the Truth)
  • 1934 Louise Fletcher, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Picket Fences, Kai Winn Adami in Star Trek: Deep Space 9)
  • 1936 Tom Robbins, Blowing Rock, North Carolina, author (Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, Another Roadside Attraction)
  • 1940 Alex Trebek, Sudbury, Ontario, Canada, TV game host (High Rollers, Jeopardy)
  • 1946 Danny Glover, San Francisco, California, actor (Lonesome Dove, Predator 2, Lethal Weapon, The Prince of Egypt, Fallen Angel)
  • 1955 William Dafoe, Appleton, Wisconsin, actor (Platoon, Roadhouse 66, Mississippi Burning)
  • 1965 Patrick Laborteaux, Los Angeles, California, actor (Little House on Prairie, JAG, 3 Ninjas)
  • 1967 Irene Bedard, Anchorage, Alaska, actress (Lakota Woman: Siege at Wounded Knee, Pocahontas, Into the West, Greasewood Flat)
  • 1972 Colin Ferguson, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, actor (Eureka, Lake Placid 3, Then Came You)
  • 1996 Skyler Gisondo, Palm Beach County, Florida, actor (The Bill Engvall Show, Halloween, B-Dawg voice on Air Buddies series)

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“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.” – Mark Twain

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1587 An attempt to re-establish the deserted Roanoke colony on Roanoke Island (off North Carolina) is made as a second group of English settlers arrive.
  • 1686 Governor Thomas Dongan formally charters Albany, New York as a municipality.
  • 1796 Connecticut Land Company surveyors named an area in Ohio “Cleveland” after Gen. Moses Cleaveland, the superintendent of the surveying party.
  • 1894 In France the first ever motor race is held  between the cities of Paris and Rouen. The fastest finisher was the Comte Jules-Albert de Dion, but The ‘official’ victory was awarded to Albert Lemaître driving his 3 hp petrol engined Peugeot.
  • 1916 A bomb exploded on Market Street in San Francisco, California, during a Preparedness Day parade killing 10 and injuring 40.
  • 1933 The first person to fly solo around the world was Wiley Post.  He traveled 15,596 miles (25,099 km) in 7 days, 18 hours and 45 minutes.
  • 1934 “Public Enemy No. 1” John Dillinger is mortally wounded outside Chicago’s Biograph Theater by FBI agents.
  • 1937 President Franklin D. Roosevelt’s proposal to add more justices to the Supreme Court of the United States is voted down by the United States Senate.
  • 1942 Compulsory civilian gasoline rationing due to the wartime demands starts in the United States.
  • 1942 As part of the Holocaust, the systematic deportation of Jews from the Warsaw Ghetto begins.
  • 1952 Patent for “Self-propelled sprinkling irrigating apparatus” to water large circles of crops issued to Frank L. Zyback of Strasburg, Colorado.
  • 1983 First solo helicopter flight around the world completed by Dick Smith.
  • 1989 Tony Aliengena became youngest pilot to complete flight around the world at age 11 years.
  • 2003 Members of 101st Airborne of the United States, aided by Special Forces, attack a compound in Iraq, killing Saddam Hussein’s sons Uday and Qusay, along with Mustapha Hussein, Qusay’s 14-year old son, and a bodyguard.
  • 2005 Jean Charles de Menezes is killed by police as the hunt begins for the London Bombers responsible for the 7 July 2005 London bombings and the 21 July 2005 London bombings.

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A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.   ‘Of course, madam,’ replied the sales clerk, ‘exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?’   The bride to be said, ‘A long, frilly, white dress with a veil.’

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time, for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean. Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice.’

‘Well,’ replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, ‘I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.
‘Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
‘You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.   ‘
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.’

‘What about your third husband?’ asked the sales clerk.

‘That one was a politician,’ said the woman, ‘and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.’

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A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, “You know, you’re the tenth car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, “When do you have time to plough your land? At night?”

“No,” the young farmer replied seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole.”

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ONE-LINERS: Things You’ll Never Hear In A Western Movie

~ “I reckon I’ll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!”

~ “Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let’s draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution.”  

~ “Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room.”

~ “Let’s see… hardtack and pemmican… that’s three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches.”  

~ “You ‘n’ Slim round up them strays, and I’ll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue.”  

~ “That’s him! That’s the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!”

~ “He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration.”  

~ “Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?”

~ “It’s like I keep tellin’ ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge.”

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer; she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.'”

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”

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pic of the day: Here’s Your Sign…

picture of sign

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

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As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.

The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten “the Book,” since I had so many in my room.

One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, “Where are you taking the Book?”

I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. “She’s getting neutered today,” I told him.

“Hmmm,” the student responded, “no sequels.”

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After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.

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Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.

Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else.

It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIAPi Approximation Day is observed on July 22 (or 22/7 in the day/month date format), since the fraction 22⁄7 is a common approximation of π.

~The 40-hour work week was started by the steel industry in 1943 when they introduced the 5-day, 40-hour work week. Henry Ford adopted it in 1926.

~Spoonerism: A verbal error in which a speaker accidentally transposes the initial sounds or letters of two or more words, often to humorous effect.

Examples of famous spoonerisms:
•It is kistomary to cuss the bride.
•Give three cheers for our queer old dean.
•Have you, my brethren, ever nurtured in your bosom a half-warmed fish?”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: It’s not about then. It’s about now, now , now, now, and now. The more “nows” you have, the more “thens” you can look back on.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. – Henri Nouwen

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