Jokes and Trivia for August 3, 2011

Life is meant to be lived. - Eleanor Roosevelt

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 3rd – WEDNESDAY

215th day of 2011 with 150 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Watermelon Day

*Grab Some Nuts Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1811 Elisha Graves Otis, Windham County, Vermont, who invented a safety device that prevented elevators from falling if the hoisting cable broke.
1860 W. K. Dickson, Le Minihic-sur-Rance, Brittany, France, Scottish inventor who devised an early motion picture camera
1867 Stanley Baldwin, Bewdley, Worcestershire, England, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
1900 Ernie Pyle, Dana, Vermillion County, Indiana, war correspondent was an American journalist who wrote as a roving correspondent for the Scripps Howard newspaper chain
1904 Clifford D. Simak, Millville Grant County, Wisconsin, author (Minneapolis Star ‘s news editor ), Grand Master sci-fi author (City, Ring Around the Sun)
1909 Neal E(lgar) Miller, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, psychologist and neuroscientist who was the first to identify and promote biofeedback
1915 Donald R(edfield) Griffin, Southampton, New York, biophysicist, known for his research in animal navigation, animal behaviour, and sensory biophysics
1916 Shakeel Badayuni, Badayun, Uttar Pradesh, poet and lyricist (Baiju Bawra, Mother India, and Mughal-e-Azam
1916 José Manuel Moreno, La Boca, in Buenos Aires, Argentina, footballer member of the Argentine national team that won three South American Championships during the same decade
1920 P.D. James, Oxford, England, novelist (mystery – Adam Dalgliesh series)
1921 Hayden Carruth, Woodbury , Litchfield County, Connecticut, poet and literary critic (The Voice That is Great Within Us, The Mythology of Dark & Light, Mother, The Sleeping Beauty)
1926 Tony Bennett, Queens, New York, singer (I Left my Heart in San Francisco)
1940 Martin Sheen, Dayton, Ohio, actor (Subject Was Roses, Wall St)
1941 Martha Stewart, Nutley, New Jersey, cookbook author/media personality
1952 Jay North, Hollywood, California, actor (Dennis the Menace, Maya)
1959 John C. McGinley, New York City, New York, actor (Platoon, Wall St., Office Space, Intensity)
1959 Koichi Tanaka, Japanese scientist, Nobel Prize for developing a novel method for mass spectrometric analyses of biological macromolecules
1963 Isaiah Washington, Houston, Texas, actor (Grey’s Anatomy, new Bionic Woman)
1980 Brandan Schieppati, Newport, California, singer (Bleeding Through)
1993 Yurina Kumai, Kanagawa,Yokohama, Japan (member of Berryz Kobo)

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If you believe in the Lord, He will do half the work: the last half. – Cyrus Curtis

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

435 Deposed Patriarch of Constantinople Nestorius, considered the originator of Nestorianism, is exiled by Byzantine Emperor Theodosius II to a monastery in Egypt.
1492 Christopher Columbus sets sail from Palos de la Frontera, Spain.
1492 The Jews of Spain are expelled by the Catholic Monarchs.
1678 Robert LaSalle builds first ship in America, the Griffon.
1783 Mount Asama erupts in Japan, killing 35,000 people.
1860 The Second Maori War begins in New Zealand.
1900 Firestone Tire & Rubber Company founded.
1914 World War I: Germany declares war against France.
1921 First aerial crop dusting used to spread lead arsenate to kill catalpa sphinx caterpillars near Troy, Ohio.
1923 Calvin Coolidge is sworn in as the 30th President of the United States in the early morning following the death of Warren G. Harding the previous day.
1934 Adolf Hitler becomes the supreme leader of Germany by joining the offices of President and Chancellor into Führer.
1936 Jesse Owens wins the 100 meter dash, defeating Ralph Metcalfe, at the Berlin Olympics.
1949 The National Basketball Association is founded in the United States.
1958 USS Nautilus begins 1st crossing of Arctic Ocean under ice cap.
1972 The United States Senate ratifies the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty.
1975 A privately chartered Boeing 707 crashes into the mountainside near Agadir, Morocco killing 188.
1997 Oued El-Had and Mezouara massacre in Algeria; 40-76 villagers killed.
2004 The pedestal of the Statue of Liberty reopens after being closed since the September 11 attacks.
2005 President Maaouya Ould Sid’Ahmed Taya of Mauritania is overthrown in a military coup while attending the funeral of King Fahd in Saudi Arabia.

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In honor of National Pet Dental Health Month in February, a Kansas company has launched a 24-hour “Doggy Breath Hot line” that lets callers anonymously report the names and addresses of dogs with bad breath.

The sponsor of the hot line, Hill’s Pet Nutrition, will then mail a packet of information on possible cures to the offending pooch. No word yet on a hot line to report lint balls with bad breath.

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Actual personal ads from actual newspapers:

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5’10″, brown/blue.

I want a man with a BIG heart, BIG hands, BIG feet, who is ready to enjoy BIG aspects of a playful woman.

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

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ONE-LINERS : REASONS NOT TO JOIN THE EMPIRE

10. Stormtroopers are the Empire’s first line of defense.

9. All ships and installations are built around a “main reactor.”

8. Exhaust ports are big enough for proton torpedoes and always lead to the “main reactor.”

7. TIE Fighters have no shields.

6. The Emperor’s best troops were defeated by rock and stick wielding teddy bears.

5. Officers over the rank of Lieutenant have a life expectancy of two weeks.

4. Everything proceeds as the Emperor has foreseen.

3. Stormtroopers are picked for their intelligence and common sense.

2. The Emperor allows the alliance to know the location of the shield generator.

1. Bounty Hunters, We don’t need their scum!

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Unlike Humorless bureaucracies, real people can have fun with:
Real Signs Found In Various Places…

Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
‘Push Push Push.’

Sign on a front door:
‘Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.’

Sign on fence:
‘Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.’

Sign on an electrician’s truck:
‘Let Us Remove Your Shorts.’

Sign on a scientist’s door:
‘Gone fission.’

Sign on used car lot:
‘Second hand cars in first crash condition.’

Sign over a cannibal’s hut:
‘I never met a man I didn’t like.’

Sign at a hotel:
‘Help! We need inn-experienced people.’

Sign in a science teacher’s room:
If it moves, it’s biology.
If it stinks, it’s chemistry.
If it doesn’t work, it’s physics.

Sign at the dry cleaner’s window:
‘Drop your pants here.’

Sign at a computer store:
‘Out for a quick byte.’

Sign for a litter of dachshund pups:
‘Get a `long` little doggie!’

Sign on a music library’s door:
‘Bach in a minuet.’

Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home, Labor Day Weekend:
‘Please Drive Carefully. We Can Wait.

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pic of the day: Dragon Kite

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Ah, the things that drop into my mailbox… A fellow who manages one of the Y2K compliance projects at a major US-based multinational corporation reports the following (lightly edited to protect sources):

Apparently [a large food retail chain in Britain] with highly automated regional distribution centers was starting to receive canned goods with expiration dates running past 2000.

So, at the same time as they were receiving shipments of tinned tomatoes with shelf lives until ’05 (which were being shuffled into storage bins by their automated pallet system), their automated ‘expired goods’ system was scanning the new stuff, thinking they had gone bad 92 years ago, pulling them, and putting them on to lorries which then took them to the dump.

[...] after trashing the ‘expired’ tins, the automated system placed an order to the supplier to replace them.

Apparently some guy at the warehouse noticed this but didn’t want to say anything [...]

It was only when the tomato company’s sales rep said something like, ‘Jeez, you guys are selling a lot of our tinned tomatoes lately,’ that they caught on.

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The tourist had lost his way on a back road and stopped at the farmhouse to ask if he could be put up for the night. ‘Well, we’re a mite crowded, siknce there’s already someone in the spare room,’ replied the farmer. ‘But I guess you can stay if you don’t mind sharing the bed with a red haired schoolteacher.’

‘Look,’ said the tourist, ‘I want you to know I’m a gentleman.’

‘Well,’ mused the farmer, ‘as far as I can tell, so is the red haired schoolteacher.’

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q. What’s the name of the ninth reindeer?
A. Olive as in ‘olive the other reindeer’.

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Q. What did George Washington say to his men before they got into the boat to cross the Potomac River?
A. Men …. get in the boat…

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Q. Why is a Texas tornado like a Tennessee divorce?
A. Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says “meow” in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says “woof” in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts “potato” to the officer.

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Dear Son

I am writing this slow cause I know you can’t read fast.

We don’t live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happened within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address cause the last family that lived here took the numbers with then to there next house so they wont have to change there address, I wish the I have thought of that.

This place has a small washing machine. the first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

It only rained twice this week- three days the first time and four days the second.

The coat you wanted me to send you; your aunt sue said it was too heavy to send it by mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Don’t tell anyone.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral bill; up she comes. Luck we have a spare bedroom in the new place. We can move her when you come to visit.

About your father- he has a lovely new job. He has over 500 people under him; he is cutting grass at the cemetery.

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out if it was a boy or a girl, so I don’t know if you are a aunt or an uncle.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. One was driving two was in the back bed. The driver got out- he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned; they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

Your uncle Mike fell in the whiskey vat at work. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. He wanted to be cremated, burned for three days.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Lots of NUTS facts!

~Eating more than 5 ounces a week can cut heart-attack deaths in women by 40% and help prevent deadly irregular heart beats in men!

~Almonds and walnuts are nuts that lower blood cholesterol.

~Most of the fat in nuts is the good-type monounsaturated and/or omega-3. Unsalted nuts are best.

~The Romans thought certain nuts to be food of the gods.

~The Incas made pottery in the shape of the highly prized peanut.

~Nuts are all-around! They can be eaten as a snack or as part of a meal. They make flavorsome embellishments to fruit or vegetable salads, casseroles, baked breads or muffins, oatmeal, pilafs and meat dishes.

~Nuts are good for your health. DID YOU KNOW that nuts placed in the meat group of the Food Guide Pyramid because of their protein content? They are one of the best plant sources of protein and contain no cholesterol.

~magnesium, iron, potassium, selenium, copper, and zinc; vitamin E, folacin and other B vitamins; and fat are minerals found In nuts.

~Chestnuts are the only low-fat nut with 1 gram fat and 70 calories in one ounce of dried or roasted nuts. Macadamia nuts are the highest with 19 grams of fat and 199 calories.

~CocoNUTS! With nuts on the word but they are not considered nuts according to the International Nut Council. They do not have equal amounts of fats and on the nutritional scale, coconuts differ greatly from those of ‘real’ nuts.

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LIFE LESSON: If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work. – Thich Nhat Hanh

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Laugh until your cheeks hurt.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. - Sophocles