Jokes and Trivia for August 4, 2011

Humor is perhaps a sense of intellectual perspective: an awareness that some things are really important, others not; and that the two kinds are most oddly jumbled in everyday affairs. – Christopher Morely

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 4th – THURSDAY

216th of 2011 and 149 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* National Lasagne Day (Americanized to Lasagna)

* U.S. Coast Guard Day

* Champagne Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1719 Johann Gottlob Lehmann, Langenhennersdorf, Saxony, minerologist and geologist. Noted for his geologic record leading to the development of stratigraphy.
1755 Nicolas-Jacque Conte, French painter, inventor (modern pencil)
1792 Percy Bysshe Shelley, England, romantic poet (Adonais)
1805 William Rowan Hamilton, Dublin, Ireland, mathematician. Made important contributions to classical mechanics, optics, and algebra.
1821 James White, Palmyra, Maine , theologian, co-founder of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
1863 Alexander George McAdie, American meteorologist who was a pioneer in employing kites in the exploration of high altitude air conditions
1901 Louis Armstrong, New Orleans, Louisiana, Jazz musician & bandleader, “Hello Dolly” – oldest musician in Billboard history to have a Number One song
1905 Michael Scott Montague, Fordham British analytical psychologist who applied Jungian analysis to the study of development in children.
1913 Robert Hayden, Detroit, Michigan, poet.( Consultant in Poetry to the Library of Congress in 1976)
1915 Warren Avis, Bay City, Michigan, entrepreneur. (Founded the Avis Rent A Car System Inc. in 1946)
1918 Iceberg Slim (a.k.a. Robert Beck), author. (The Story of My Life)
1920 Helen Thomas, Winchester, Kentucky, journalist. ( Member of White House Press Corps)
1937 David Bedford, Hendon, northwest London, English musician. (Joy of a Toy)
1954 François Valéry, Oran, Algeria, singer-songwriter and composer. (1974 : “Une chanson d’été”)
1955 Gerrie Coetzee, Boksburg, South Africa, former boxer from Africa.
1955 Billy Bob Thornton, Hot Springs, Arkansas, actor and writer. (One False Move)
1956 Gerry Cooney, Manhattan, New York, boxer.
1957 Brooks D. Simpson, Freeport, New York, historian.( Ulysses S. Grant: Triumph over Adversity, 1822-1865)
1961 Barack Obama, Honolulu, Hawaii, 44th President of the United States.
1961 Lauren Tom, Chicago, Illinois, U.S. American actress. (Nothing Lasts Forever)
1962 Roger Clemens, Dayton, Ohio, Boston Red Sox pitcher (Cy Young, MVP)
1969 Michael DeLuise, Los Angeles, California, actor. (21 Jump Street)
1971 Jeff Gordon, Vallejo, California, 4 times NASCAR SPRINT Cup Series champion, car #24
1978 Kurt Busch, Las Vegas, Nevada, 2004 SPRINT Cup winner, has wins in all three of NASCAR’s top divisions (Nextel Cup, Busch, and Craftsman Truck Series)
1992 Dylan and Cole Sprouse, Italy, child actors (Big Daddy, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody)

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Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. - Elbert Hubbard

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1790 US Coast Guard founded as Revenue Cutter Service.
1821 Atkinson & Alexander publish the Saturday Evening Post for the first time as a weekly newspaper.
1944 The Holocaust: a tip from a Dutch informer leads the Gestapo to a sealed-off area in an Amsterdam warehouse where they find Jewish diarist Anne Frank and her family.
1947 The Supreme Court of Japan is established.
1974 A bomb explodes in the Italicus Express train at San Benedetto Val di Sambro, Italy, killing 12 people and wounding 22.
1975 The Japanese Red Army takes more than 50 hostages at the AIA Building housing.
1977 President Carter establishes Department of Energy.
1996 26th Olympic Summer games close in Atlanta, Georgia
2002 Soham murders: 10 year old school girls Jessica Chapman and Holly Wells go missing from the town of Soham, Cambridgeshire in the United Kingdom.
2005 Prime Minister Paul Martin announces that Michaëlle Jean will be Canada’s 27th — and first black — Governor General.
2006 Trincomalee massacre of NGO workers, is carried out by Sri Lankan government forces, killing 17 employees of the French INGO Action Against Hunger (known internationally as Action Contre la Faim, or ACF).
2007 NASA’s Phoenix spaceship is launched.
2007 Airport police officer María del Luján Telpuk discovers a suitcase containing an undeclared amount of US$800,000 as it went through an x-ray machine in Buenos Aires’ Aeroparque Jorge Newbery, sparking an international scandal involving Venezuela and Argentina known as “Maletinazo”.

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When I decided to celebrate my 40th birthday by taking the day off from work, I temporarily foiled my wife’s plan to surprise me by having flowers delivered to my desk.

She was not to be denied, however.

After I returned to work the next day, a beautiful bouquet arrived. The attached card read simply, “You don’t look a day over 40!”

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Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter concerning my application for employment. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department next week. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

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ONE-LINERS : REFRIGERATOR MAGNET SLOGAN

If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean – Eat Out

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives

My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes

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A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility.”

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one – a retired minister. “Now, now, keep calm,” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.”

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. “Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked.
“I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger.

“Well, just do something religious!” instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

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pic of the day: Duck!

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered, “It’s Adam’s suit!!”

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Wife to husband over a chessboard: “This reminds me of when we were dating.”

“We never played chess in those days, dear.”

“No, but even then it took you two hours to make a move.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Today’s Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cow steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpiller stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

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Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the paper during breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why, thank you, dear!”

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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. ‘It ain’t so bad,’ one crook noted. ‘We got out with $25 between us.’

‘I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!’ the boss screamed. ‘We had over $100 when we broke in!’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: COAST GUARDS – they are always ready to help!

~The Coast Guard is both law enforcement and a military unit.

~In wartime it is under the direction of the President. In peace time, it is a unit of the Department of Homeland Security.

~It was established on August 4, 1790. In the nineteenth and early twentieth centuries it was called as Revenue Marine or the Revenue Cutter Service.

~ It protects the international water borders, works to prevent smuggling, does search and rescue, and protects the coastal environments.

~The U.S. Coast Guard takes control of or removes over 1,000 lbs. of illegal drugs every day.

~Terms of service is 8 years with 4 on active duty and the other 4 on reserve.

~Their motto is Semper Paratus, which means “Always Ready.”

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LIFE LESSON: Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. – Saint Exupery

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QUIP OF THE DAY: There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning. – Christopher Morley

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Remember that very little is needed to make a happy life. – Marcus Aurelius