Jokes and Trivia for August 8, 2011

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. – E.B. White

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 8th – MONDAY

220th day of 2011 with 145 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day

*National Zucchini Day

*National Frozen Custard Day

*Happiness Happens Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1814 Esther Morris, Tioga County, New York, suffragist and the first U. S. woman judge
1879 Bob Smith, St. Johnsbury, Vermont, physician and surgeon, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous
1884 Sara Teasdale, St. Louis, Missouri, poet (1st Pulitzer Prize-1918-”Love Songs”)
1901 Ernest O. Lawrence, Canton, South Dakota, physicist, known for his invention, utilization, and improvement of the cyclotron atom-smasher
1902 Paul Dirac, Bristol, England, physicist, made fundamental contributions to the early development of both quantum mechanics and quantum electrodynamics
1921 Esther Williams, Inglewood, California, actress/swimmer (Dangerous when Wet)
1926 Richard Anderson, Long Branch, New Jersey, actor (The Six Million Dollar Man, The Bionic Woman )
1932 Mel Tillis, Tampa, Florida, country singer/stutterer (Who’s Julie, M-M-Mel)
1937 Dustin Hoffman, Los Angeles, California, actor (Papillon, Marathon Man, Midnight Cowboy, Little Big Man, Lenny, All the President’s Men, Kramer vs. Kramer, Tootsie, Rain Man, Wag the Dog )
1944 Brooke Bundy, New York City, New York, actress (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors and its sequel )
1947 Larry Wilcox, San Diego, California, actor (CHiPs )
1949 Keith Carradine, San Mateo, California, actor (King Fu, Young Guns, Deadwood)
1950 Ken Kutaragi, Tokyo, Japan, Founder of PlayStation
1958 Deborah Norville, Dalton, Georgia, television host
1973 Scott Stapp, Cherokee, North Carolina, singer (Creed)
1976 JC Chasez, Washington, DC, singer (*NSYNC)
1976 Tawny Cypress, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, actress (Heroes )
1977 Lindsay Sloane, Long Island, New York, actress (Bring It On, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch)

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The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure. - Sven Goran Eriksson

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1220 Sweden is defeated by Estonian tribes in the Battle of Lihula.
1794Joseph Whidbey leads an expedition to search for the Northwest Passage near Juneau, Alaska.
1839 Beta Theta Pi is founded in Oxford, Ohio.
1863 American Civil War: following his defeat in the Battle of Gettysburg, General Robert E. Lee sends a letter of resignation to Confederate President Jefferson Davis (which is refused upon receipt).
1876 Thomas Edison receives a patent for his mimeograph.
1908 Wilbur Wright makes his first flight at a racecourse at Le Mans, France. It is the Wright Brothers’ first public flight.
1910The US Army installs the first tricycle landing gear on the Army’s Wright Flyer.
1911 The millionth patent is filed in the United States Patent Office by Francis Holton for a tubeless vehicle tire.
1945 The United Nations Charter is signed for the United States by President Harry S. Truman. The U.S. was the third nation to join.
1946 First flight of the Convair B-36.
1967 The Association of Southeast Asian Nations (ASEAN) is founded by Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Singapore and Thailand.
1974 Watergate scandal: U.S. President Richard Nixon announces his resignation, effective the next day.
1989 Space Shuttle program: STS-28 Mission – Space Shuttle Columbia takes off on a secret five-day military mission.
2000 Confederate submarine H.L. Hunley is raised to the surface after 136 years on the ocean floor and 30 years after its discovery by undersea explorer E. Lee Spence and 5 years after being filmed by a dive team funded by novelist Clive Cussler.
2007 An EF2 tornado touches down in Kings County and Richmond County, New York State, the most powerful tornado in New York to date and the first in Brooklyn since 1889.
2009Typhoon Morakot makes landfall in Taiwan, and almost the entire southern region of Taiwan is flooded by record-breaking rainfall.

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Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA), and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check-ride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but as part of the test, you’re gonna lose an engine on take-off.”

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It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the high school intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars, return to class.”

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ONE-LINERS : REASONS TO OWN CAT OVER A DOG

*Cats rule. Dogs drool.

* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.

* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.

* Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.

* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.

* No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”

* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.

* Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”

* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.

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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”

The Biologist concludes: “They have reproduced.”

The Mathematician says: “Now if another person enters the house, it’ll be empty again.”

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pic of the day: Frog by pond..

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Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.

The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy- they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.

Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, “Honey, breakfast is in the warming oven, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

What a mess I got into while painting my kitchen! I have one of those older homes with all sorts of nooks and crannies … it even has a pantry. Thing is, I wanted to paint the kitchen yellow and the pantry white, but every time I tried to blend the two colors of paint at the doorway, the colors would run together.

So I decided to paint the doorway itself a pretty lime green, which divided the two rooms nicely, and now I have … “no visible pantry line”.

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One day all the scientists in heaven decided to play hide-n-seek. Einstein was “it” and had to count up to 100 and then start searching.

Einstein starts counting… “1,2,3…”

Everyone starts hiding except Newton who just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

“97,98,99… 100!” He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front.

Einstein immediately sees him and starts yelling, “Newton’s out! Newton’s out!”

Newton denies and says, “I am not out. I am not Newton.”

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says “I am standing in a square of area 1m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I’m Pascal. Therefore, Pascal is OUT!”

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A Frenchman an Englishman and a Scotsman were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief came to them and said the bad news is now that we’ve caught you were going to kill you and then we will use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is you get to choose how you will die.

The French man says I take ze poison…

The chief gives him some poison and the Frenchman says: “Viva la France” and drinks it down.

The English man says “a pistol for me please” the chief gives him a pistol and he points it at his head , says, “God save the Queen” and blows his brains out….

The Scotsman Yorker says “give me a fork” the chief is puzzled but shrugs and gives him the fork… The Scot takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over his stomach and chest and sides ..everywhere.

There is blood gushing out all over. Its horrible… The chief is appalled and screams “what are you doing?”

The Scotsman looks at the chief and yells “so much fer yer canoe!!!!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: All About Zucchini

~ Zucchini is a summer squash.
~ Zucchini, Cucurbita pepo, is a member of the cucumber and melon family.
~ Depending on the variety, it can grow a meter in length.
~ Zucchini is generally harvested when smaller so it has less seeds.
~ Singular is zucchini; plural: zucchini or zucchinis.
~ It comes from the Italian word zucchina. It was formerly often referred to as green Italian squash.
~ The female flower is a golden blossom on the end of each emergent zucchini. The male flower grows directly on the stem of the zucchini plant in the leaf axils (where leaf petiole meets stem), on a long stalk, and is slightly smaller than the female. Both flowers are edible, and are often used to dress a meal or garnish the cooked fruit.
~ Recent studies have underscored the unique contribution made by summer squash to our antioxidant requirements.
~ It can be used for just about any recipe that calls for summer squash.
~ Steaming is the best cooking method for zucchini because it preserves the most nutrients.
~ The unique polysaccharide composition in summer squash is being linked in repeated animal studies to protection against diabetes and better regulation of insulin.

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LIFE LESSON: Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. - Benjamin Franklin

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in what they think laughable. – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: You only live once – but if you work it right, once is enough. – Joe E. Lewis