Jokes and Trivia for August 9, 2011

If you feel happy, tell your face. – Steve Potter

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 9th – TUESDAY

221st day of 2011 with 144 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Rice Pudding Day

*Book Lover’s Day

*International Day of the World’s Indigenous People

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1537 Francesco Barozzi, Crete, at Candia (now Iraklion), Greece, Italian mathematician, astronomer and humanist (geometry of Euclid.
1593 Izaak Walton, English writer/angler (The Complete Angler)
1776 Amedeo Avogadro, Turin, Italy, chemist (contributions to molecular theory, including what is known as Avogadro’s law)
1896 Erich Hückel, Berlin, Germany, physicist (The Debye–Hückel theory of electrolytic solutions & The Hückel method of approximate molecular orbital (MO) calculations on π electron systems)
1896 Jean Piaget, Neuchâtel, Switzerland, psychologist (theory of cognitive development )
1899 P. L. Travers, Maryborough, Queensland, Australia, author (Mary Poppins)
1911 William A. Fowler, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, astrophysicist (nuclear reactions – Nobel 1983)
1922 Philip Larkin, Coventry, England, poet (The North Ship)
1925 David A. Huffman, Ohio, computer scientist (creator of Huffman coding)
1927 Marvin Minsky, New York City, New York, Computer Scientist (Turing Award winner (Artificial Intelligence)
1927 Daniel Keyes, Brooklyn, New York, author (Flowers for Algernon)
1927 Robert Shaw, England, actor (Deep, Jaws, Sting, Black Sunday)
1935 Beverlee McKinsey, McAlester, Oklahoma, actress (Another World, Texas, Guiding Light)
1944 Sam Elliot, Sacramento, California, actor (We Were Soldiers, Big Chill, Fatal Beauty, The Golden Compass, Avenger)
1949 Jonathan Kellerman, NYC, psychologist/writer (psychopathology, Alex Delaware mysteries/suspense)
1957 Melanie Griffith, NYC, actress (Something Wild, Working Girl, voice of bird in Stuart Little II, Nip/Tuck)
1963 Whitney Houston, Newark, New Jersey, singer/actress (One Moment in Time, The Bodyguard, The Preacher’s Wife)
1967 Deion Sanders, Fort Myers FL, football player
1968 Gillian Anderson, Chicago IL, actress (Dana Scully – X Files, Moro in Princess Monoke)
1970 Arion Salazar, Oakland, California, musician (Third Eye Blind)
1976 Jessica Capshaw, Columbia, Missouri, actress (Jamie Stringer – The Practice; Dr. Robbins – Grey’s Anatomy)
1983 Ashley Johnson, Camarillo, California, actress (Growing Pains, What Women Want, Teen Titans, Ben 10 Alien Force)
1989 Jason Heyward, Ridgewood, New Jersey, baseball player
1990 Adelaide Kane, Claremont, Western Australia, actress (Neighbours)
1991 Candela Vetrano, Lomas de Zamora, Buenos Aires, Argentina, actress ( Rincón de Luz, Floricienta, Chiquititas Sin Fin and Casi Ángeles)

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Alter your life by altering your attitudes. - William James

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1173 Construction of the (Leaning) Tower of Pisa begins; and it takes two centuries to complete.
1483 First mass in the Sistine Chapel.
1842 US-Canada border east of Rocky Mountains defined by Webster-Ashburton Treaty.
1859 First U.S. patent (No. 25,076) for an escalator idea called “Revolving Stairs” was issued to Nathan Ames, of Saugus, Massachusetts.
1892 Thomas Edison receives a patent for a two-way telegraph.
1902 Edward VII and Alexandra of Denmark are crowned King and Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.
1907 The first Boy Scout encampment concludes at Brownsea Island in Southern England.
1930 Betty Boop debuts in Max Fleischer’s animated cartoon Dizzy Dishes.
1942 Indian leader, Mahatma Gandhi is arrested in Bombay by British forces, launching the Quit India Movement.
1944 Smokey the Bear debuts on US Forest Service posters.
1945 Atomic bomb, “Fat Man”, dropped by the US B-29 Bockscaron on Japan, destroying part of Nagasaki.
1965 Singapore seceded from Malaysia and gained independence.
1965 A fire at a Titan missile base near Searcy, Arkansas kills 53 construction workers.
1969 Charles Manson cult members brutally murder pregnant actress Sharon Tate(wife of Roman Polanski), coffee heiress Abigail Folger, Polish actor Wojciech Frykowski, men’s hairstylist Jay Sebring, and recent high-school graduate Steven Parent at 10050 Cielo Drive in Los Angeles, California.
1971 Le Roy (Satchel) Paige inducted into baseball’s Hall of Fame.
1974 As a direct result of the Watergate scandal, Richard Nixon becomes the first President of the United States to resign from office. His Vice President, Gerald Ford, becomes president.
2007 Emergence of the Financial crisis of 2007-2008 when a liquidity crisis resulted from the Subprime mortgage crisis.

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Satan on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,’ he said. ‘I’m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?’

‘Ah,’ Satan said with a grin. ‘Those are Seattle-ites. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.’

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An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The now widowed woman, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. “I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”

“What do I think?” his mother said. “Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”

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ONE-LINERS :

~Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

~Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

~Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

~Why is the word abbreviation so long?

~Is it possible to be totally partial?

~What’s another word for thesaurus?

~If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

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An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbour’s lawn; ‘Horse for Sale’. Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbour’s stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion.

‘Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale.’ Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. ‘Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale.’

‘This horse here?’ quizzes the old farmer, ‘Why he’s a fine horse! Whyever would you sell him?’

‘Well,’ sighs the Italian farmer, ‘He no looka so good anymore.’

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. ‘That ol’ cheat sold me a near blind horse!’ growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbour a piece of his mind. ‘You sold me a near blind horse you ol’ cheat and you didn’t even tell me!’ he screams.

‘Eh! I tolla you!’ cries the Italian farmer, ‘I say, ‘he no looka so good anymore!’ ‘

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pic of the day: Tlinget Native Dance at Saxman Tribal House

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“Senior Managers” (aka “Big Wheels”) at the Maryland State Highway Administration are unclassified positions that require no testing or merit exams. This one fellow applied for a job as an assistant to a Senior Manager and did have to take an exam for the job.

In the meantime though, the Senior Manager position itself opened up, because of a retirement. He applied for that, and was hired.

Some time later, this same fellow got a letter in the mail advising him that he did not qualify for the position of the Assistant Senior Manager. The letter was signed by him, as part of his new duties. (He probably never read the documents he was signing.)

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“When I was a youngster,” complained the frustrated father, “I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But my son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player.”

“So what do you do?” asked his friend.

“I send him to MY room!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Milton Berle, affectionately known as “Uncle Miltie”, was television’s first superstar. Every Tuesday night for twenty years starting in 1948, all commerce would come to a halt on Tuesday nights as everyone found a television set where the family could watch the Texaco Star Theater.

But Uncle Miltie had a gambling problem, and in the forties no one had conceived of Gamblers Anonymous for compulsive
gamblers.

Every week, during rehearsals Berle would play gin rummy between takes and he would always win big. By the time the
show aired, he usually had won as much as his weekly salary blitzing his producer. But after the show, they would play craps where his luck was always bad, and by the end of the evening he would have lost everything he had won during the week.

Everyone knew that Uncle Miltie could certainly handle his gin, but invariably, Milton’s pair o’ dice lost.

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Clumsy Ad Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special — Turkey or Chicken $2.35; Beef $2.55; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere again.

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A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our the teeth.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Rice Pudding

~ Rice pudding is a dish made from rice mixed with water or milk and sometimes other ingredients such as cinnamon and raisins.

~ Indian Rice pudding can be made with basmati rice and coconut milk.

~ This food traces its roots to the grain pottages of made by middle eastern cooks.

~ Firni, a sweet milky dessert and precusor to rice pudding, was eaten cold, made either with corn flour or rice flour or sometimes both and usually flavoured with rose water and/or ground cardamom. The dish is decorated with chopped or ground almonds or pistachio nuts…the history of firni goes back a very long way; it seems to have originated in ancient Persia or the Middle East; and to have been introduced to India by the Moghuls.”

~ Shola is a type of rice pudding made with short-grain rice and cooked until soft and thick. The added ingredients determine whether it is a sweet or savory food.

~ “Rice pudding is the descendant of earlier rice pottages, which date back to the time of the Romans, who however used such a dish only as a medicine to settle upset stomaches. There were medieval rice pottages made of rice boiled until soft, then mixed with almond milk or cow’s milk, or both, sweetened, and sometimes coloured. Rice was an expensive import, and these were luxury Lenten dishes for the rich. Recipes for baked rice puddings began to appear in the early 17th century. Often they were rather complicated…Nutmeg survives in modern recipes. It is now unusual to add eggs or fat, and rice pudding has tended to become a severely plain nursery dish. Nevertheless, it has its devotees.”
—Oxford Companion to Food, Alan Davidson [Oxford University Press:Oxford] 1999

~ Kheer is the Indian name for rice sweet milk puddings, though it can also be made with other ingredients.
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LIFE LESSON: The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. – Tom Bodett

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QUIP OF THE DAY: When you are down and out, something always turns up – usually the noses of your friends. – Orson Welles

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: “It might have been! – John Greenleaf Whittier