Jokes and Trivia for August 15, 2011

Happiness is a direction, not a place. – Syndey J. Harris

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 15th – MONDAY

227th day of 2011 with138 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*V-J Day

*Sit Back and Relax Day

*Lemon Meringue Pie Day

*Feast day of the Assumption of Mary

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1769 Napoleon Bonaparte, Emperor of France (1804-13, 1814-15)
1771 Sir Walter Scott, Scottish novelist and poet (Rob Roy, The Lady of the Lake, Bonnie Dundee)
1885 Edna Ferber, Kalamazoo, Michigan, novelist (Showboat, American Beauty)
1892 Louis, 7th duc de Broglie, Dieppe, France, physicist, known for Wave nature of electrons, de Broglie wavelength
1893 Leslie Comrie, New Zealand, astronomer/computing pioneer (founded 1st computing bureau)
1896 Gerty Cori, Prague, Austro-Hungarian Empire, biochemist, known for Extensive research on carbohydrate metabolism; described the Cori cycle; identified Glucose 1-phosphate
1896 Leon Theremin, Saint Petersburg, Russian Empire, inventor, most famous for his invention of the theremin, one of the first electronic musical instruments
1896 Paul Outerbridge, American photographer (noted for early use of color photography)
1904 George Klein, Hamilton, Ontario, inventor , his inventions include key contributions to the first electric wheelchairs for quadriplegics, the first microsurgical staple gun, the ZEEP nuclear reactor, Canadarm
1912 Julia Child, Pasadena, California, chef and tv personality (Mastering the Art of French Cooking)
1950 Princess Anne, England (daughter of Queen Elizabeth II)
1951 Bobby Caldwell, Manhattan, New York, singer and musician (“What You Won’t Do for Love )
1954 Mary Jo Salter, Grand Rapids, Michigan, poet/editor (A Kiss in Space, Norton Anthology of Poetry)
1967 Peter Hermann, New York City, New York, actor (Edge of Darkness, Just Wright )
1968 Debra Messing, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Will & Grace , The Starter Wife )
1972 Ben Affleck, Berkeley, California, actor (Armageddon , Pearl Harbor, Changing Lanes , The Sum of All Fears , Daredevil , Good Will Hunting)
1978 Tim Foreman, Lake Arrowhead, California, bassist (Switchfoot)
1979 Carl Edwards, Columbia Missouri, NASCAR driver (Sprint All-Star Race XXVII winner, 2003 NASCAR Craftsman Truck series Rookie of the Year, 2005 NASCAR Busch Series Rookie of the Year, 2007 NASCAR Busch Series Champion)
1980 Nathalie Press, North London, actress (My Summer of Love, Wasp )
1989 Joe Jonas, Casa Grande, Arizona, actor and singer (Jonas Brothers )

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It does not require many words to speak the truth. – Chief Joseph

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1824 Freed American slaves found Liberia.
1843 The Cathedral of Our Lady of Peace in Honolulu, Hawaii is dedicated. Now the cathedral of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Honolulu, it is the oldest Roman Catholic cathedral in continuous use in the United States.
1843 Tivoli Gardens, one of the oldest still intact amusement parks in the world, opens in Copenhagen, Denmark.
1891 San Sebastian Church in Manila, the first all-steel church in Asia, is officially inaugurated and blessed.
1914 A male servant of American architect Frank Lloyd Wright sets fire to the living quarters of the architect’s Wisconsin home, Taliesin, murders seven people and burns the living quarters to the ground.
1947 India becomes independent, Islamic part becomes Pakistan.
1948 The Republic of Korea is established south of the 38th Parallel.
1960 Congo (Brazzaville) gains independence from France.
1961 Conrad Schumann flees from East Germany while on duty guarding the construction of the Berlin Wall.
1963 Execution of Henry John Burnett, the last man to be hanged in Scotland.
1965 The Beatles play to nearly 60,000 fans at Shea Stadium in New York City, in an event later seen as marking the birth of stadium rock.
1969 Woodstock Music & Art Fair opens in NY State (Max Yasgur’s Dairy Farm).
1971 President Richard Nixon completes the break from the gold standard by ending convertibility of the United States dollar into gold by foreign investors.
1977 The Big Ear, a radio telescope operated by Ohio State University as part of the SETI project, receives a radio signal from deep space; the event is named the “Wow! signal” from the notation made by a volunteer on the project.

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One day a man walked into a church and began to pray. He asked GOD, “GOD, how what’s a million years to you?”

GOD replies, “A second.”

Then the man askes GOD another question, “GOD, what’s a million dollars to you?”

GOD replies, “A penny.”

Then the man asks another question. “GOD, can I have a penny?”

GOD replies, “In a second!”

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The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.”Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver.”

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ONE-LINERS : English is a difficult language to master. There are more exceptions to the rules than rules. It’s no wonder there are so many blunders. We hope this creative copy from travel and dining brochures from around the world will put a smile on your face.

Italian hotel brochure: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Swiss menu: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Spanish hotel ad: The provision of a large French widow in every room adds to visitors’ comfort.

Athens hotel: A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Hong Kong Tailor Shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

Bangkok Dry Cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.

On the menu:
Bowels in sauce. (Tripe!)
Chopped up cow with wire through it. (Shish-kebob)
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones – Japan
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce – China
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream – China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse – Hong Kong
Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes – Japan

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Tech Support Grins

~ A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was ‘running it under Windows.’
The woman then responded, ‘No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.’

~ Tech Support: ‘How much free space do you have on your hard drive?’
Customer: ‘Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?’

~ Customer: ‘Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?’Customer: ‘So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?’
Tech Support: ‘Yeah.’
Customer: ‘And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?’
Tech Support: ‘Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.

~ ‘Customer: ‘My computer crashed!’
Tech Support: ‘It crashed?’
Customer: ‘Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.’
Tech Support: ‘Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.
Customer: ‘No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.’
Tech Support: ‘Huh?’
Customer: ‘I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.’
Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: ‘Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.”
Customer: [pause] ‘Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?’

And Overheard in a computer shop:

~ Customer: ‘I’d like a mouse mat, please.’ Salesperson: ‘Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.’
Customer: ‘But will they be compatible with my computer?’

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pic of the day: VJ Day Kiss

Edith Shain, 87, gets a chaste kiss on the cheek from Carl Muscarello, 78. They have been identified as the nurse and sailor whose photograph became a symbol of V-J Day. A statue beside them is a more exuberant recreation of the original embrace. — The New York Times

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I know why I’ve got fat around my belly! When I take a shower, I wash my hair first and then I use the remaining shampoo to wash my body.

Well, today I read the label on the shampoo bottle. What a shock! It said, “For extra volume and body.”
No wonder it is so difficult to keep my weight under control!

From now on, I will use dish washing liquid for showering.
That label claims, “Dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove.”

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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.

When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he’d started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage and things couldn’t be better.

Bob thought he’d give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was confused and asked why she was crying.

She said, “This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked.

“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.”

Our bartender IS blonde, and the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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Heard over The US Armed Forces Radio Station, Okinawa, in 1959.

“HELLLLLLOOOOOO Okinawa!!!!!

For all you civilian employees the time is now 4:30.

For you guys in the Army and Air Force that’s 1630 hours.

For you guys in the Navy that’s 8 bells.

For you Marines…..the big hand is on the 6 and the little hand is right in between the 4 and 5.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: LEMON TRIVIA

~The word lemon is thought to have been resultant from Asian language words meaning, “sour” or “sour fruit.”

~The Mongolians invented lemonade in the year 1299.

~The Crusades transplanted lemons to Europe, and Columbus is credited with bringing them to the Western Hemisphere on his second voyage.

~In 1894-95 Wild lemon groves became commonplace in Florida until wiped out by a heavy freeze.

~Miners were willing to pay $1 each for lemons and oranges as a preventative for scurvy (due to their high vitamin C content).

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LIFE LESSON: The important thing is not being afraid to take a chance. Remember, the greatest failure is to not try. Once you find something you love to do, be the best at doing it. – Debbi Fields

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QUIP OF THE DAY: No man is worth your tears, and the one that is won’t make you cry. – Jennifer Ross

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, a touch that never hurts. – Charles Dickens