Jokes and Trivia for August 18, 2011

Have courage to live. Anyone can die. – Robert Cody

FOR TODAY – AUGUST 18 – THURSDAY

230th day of 2011 with 135 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Bad Poetry Day

*National Soft Ice Cream Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1587 Virginia Dare, Roake Colony (North Carolina) first American born of English parents.
1657 Ferdinando Galli Bibiena, Bologna, Italy, architect/designer , built the royal theatre of Mantua
1685 Brook Taylor, Edmonton, Middlesex, England, mathematician (Taylor’s theorem, Taylor’s series)
1774 Meriwether Lewis, Ablemarle County, Virginia, explorer (Lewis & CLark)
1824 Pierre-Émile Martin, Bourges, France, engineer who adapted the steelmaking process by using the open-hearth regenerative furnace invented by Charles William and Friedrich Siemens
1904 Max Factor Jr, Polish born make-up artist/cosmetics entrepreneur (Max Factor Cosmetics)
1921 Lydia Litvyak, Moscow, Russia, Soviet pilot, one of only two female flying aces
1927 Marvin Harris, Brooklyn, New York, anthropological historian and theoretician considered to be a generalist with an interest in the global processes that account for human origins and the evolution of human cultures.
1937 Robert Redford, Santa Monica, California, actor (Sting, Candidate, Natural, Great Gatsby)
1943 Martin Mull, Chicago, Illinois, comedian (Relative Strangers, Killers)
1955 Taher ElGamal, Cairo, Egypt, scientist (Public-key, ElGamal, Discrete Log Cryptography)
1970 Malcolm Jamal Warner, Jersey City, New Jersey, actor (Theodore-Cosby Show)
1977 Régine Chassagne, St-Lambert, Quebec, Canada, musician (Arcade Fire)
1978 Andy Samberg, Berkeley, California, comedian (Saturday Night Live)
1981 Jon Schneck, Eustis, Florida,musician (Relient K, Audio Adrenaline)
1994 Jessie Flower, Southern Indiana, voice actress, known as the voice of Toph Bei Fong in the animated television series Avatar: The Last Airbender

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To improve is to change, to be perfect is to change often. – Winston Churchill

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

293 BC The oldest known Roman temple to Venus is founded, starting the institution of Vinalia Rustica.
1590 John White, the governor of the Colony of Roanoke, returns from a supply-trip to England and finds his settlement deserted.
1634 Urbain Grandier, accused and convicted of sorcery, is burned alive in Loudun, France.
1868 French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium in solar spectrum during eclipse.
1891 Major hurricane strikes Martinique, leaving 700 dead.
1903 German engineer Karl Jatho allegedly flies his self-made, motored gliding airplane four months before the first flight of the Wright Brothers.
1909 Mayor of Tokyo Yukio Ozaki presents Washington, D.C. with 2,000 cherry trees, which President Taft decides to plant near the Potomac River.
1917 A Great Fire in Thessaloniki, Greece destroys 32% of the city leaving 70,000 individuals homeless.
1920 19th Amendment to US constitution passes, guaranteeing women’s suffrage.
1938 Thousand Islands Bridge, connecting New York with Ontario, Canada over the St. Lawrence River, dedicated by President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
1941 Adolf Hitler orders a temporary halt to Nazi Germany’s systematic euthanasia of the mentally ill and the handicapped due to protests.
1969 Jimi Hendrix plays the unofficial last day of the Woodstock festival.
1971 Vietnam War: Australia and New Zealand decide to withdraw their troops from Vietnam.
1982 Japanese election law is amended to allow for proportional representation.
1989 Leading presidential hopeful Luis Carlos Galán is assassinated near Bogotá in Colombia.
1992 Wang Laboratories files for bankruptcy.
2000 A Federal jury finds the US EPA guilty of discrimination against Dr. Marsha Coleman-Adebayo, under the Civil Rights Act of 1964, later inspiring passage of the No FEAR Act.

2005 Dennis Rader is sentenced to 175 years in prison for the BTK serial killings.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time…weightlifters, longshoremen, etc. but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice,” I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, ”What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The man replied,” I work for the IRS.”

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A guy walks into a bar and demands to know “Who’s the strongest in here?”

The toughest guy looks at him and says “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

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ONE-LINERS :

~When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

~Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

~Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

~When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?

~If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s Screwdriver?

~Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in ‘anagram’?

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A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.

They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

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pic of the day: Off Pensacola Beach, Florida

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A man rushed into a doctor’s office and said “Doctor! I’m going to die in 59 seconds!”

The doctor, who was busy with another patient said “Hang on just one minute!”

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I once applied for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a flight attendant, and I told her it would be a great chance to meet men.~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

She looked at me and said, “But you can meet men anywhere.”

I said, “Strapped down?” – Martha Raye

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business.

Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.

Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say “moo.”

Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, “Moo? What’s the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” the bull replies. “We bulls wobble, but we don’t fall down.”

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The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.

“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”

“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “Good grief! I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”

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A guy wins tickets to the Super Bowl in a charity raffle.

Best seats in the house… right on the 50 yard line and close to the field.

As the game starts, he notices the seat next to him is empty.

He comments to the man across the gap: ‘This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!’

The man replies, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.’

‘Well, that’s really sad, but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?’

‘No,’ the man replies, ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Lidya Litvyak

~Lidya Litvyak (alternate spelling Litviak–never Litvak)

~She became the first woman to shoot down an enemy aircraft in daytime.

~Lydia started trained to fly by the time she turned 14. After graduating from the Kherson Flying School, she became flying instructor and had trained 45 pilots.

~ In the fall of 1941 Litvyak joined Marina Raskova’s Flying Group No. 122 which evolved into three women’s wings: fighter, bomber and night bomber.

~In January 1943 Litvyak and Budanova again switched regiments when confronted with maintenance problems. Flying with the 296th Fighter Regiment, Litvyak and Budanova both became “free hunters” searching for targets of opportunity and participated in group combat.

~On August 1, 1943 Litvyak herself was shot down. Immediately afterwards rumors persisted that she was seen walking accompanied by German officers.

~In 1979 school children searching for Litvyak’s remains in the Ukraine learned that in 1969 a female pilot’s remains were found and buried in one of the common graves. The unproven assumption that the body had been Litvyak’s resulted in awarding her, posthumously, the prestigious Hero of the Soviet Union, the highest Soviet decoration

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LIFE LESSON: Never become so much of an expert that you stop gaining expertise. View life as a continuous learning experience. – Denis Waitley

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QUIP OF THE DAY: No man is rich enough to buy back his past. – Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: The glow of the sun gets bright around sunset, helps me realize that this is just a journey, stop your worries, you are gonna turn out fine. – Andy Grammer