Jokes and TriviA for September 1, 2011

The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing. – Marcus Aurelius

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 1st – THURSDAY

244th day of 2011 with 121 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cherry Popover Day

* Emma M. Nutt Day, the first woman telephone operator

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1795 James Gordon Bennett, Sr., Newmill, Scotland, American newspaper publisher. (True Crime)
1848 Auguste-Henri Forel, Morges, Switzerland, entomologist. (Known for Ants )
1854 Engelbert Humperdinck, Siegburg, Germany, composer. (Hänsel und Gretel )
1875 Edgar Rice Burroughs, Chicago, Illinois, author (Tarzan, John Carter of Mars series, Pellucidar)
1889 Richard Arlen, Voronezh, Russia, American actor. (The Foundation Pit )
1906 Eleanor Burford Hibertt (pen names/ Jean Plaidy, Victoria Holt, and Philippa Carr), English writer (historical, romance)
1926 Gene Colan, The Bronx, New York, comic book artist. (Tower of Shadows #3-4, 6)
1931 Boxcar Willie, Ellis County, Texas, country musician. (“Luther” )
1942 C. J. Cherryh, St. Louis, Missouri, author (Down Below Station, Alliance-Union Universe, Gene Wars, Fortress Series)
1946 Barry Gibb, Douglas, Isle of Man, English singer. (Bee Gees)
1950 Dr. Phil McGraw, Vinita, Oklahoma, psychologist / talk show host. (Renovate My Family)
1956 Bernie Wagenblast, Brooklyn, New York, broadcaster and editor. (1979 NBA draft)
1957 Gloria Estefan, Cuba/American, singer (Miami Sound Machine-Conga, 1-2-3)
1979 Andrew Muldoon, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Figure Skating Champion. (Univ of Delaware FSC)
1984 Joseph Trohman, Hollywood, Florida, musician. (Fall Out Boy)
1985 Camile Velasco, Makati City, Philippines, Filipino-American singer.( 2010: “Super Star”)
1994 Bianca Ryan, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer. (12 and Holding)

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Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY. – Anonymous

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1804 Juno, one of the largest main belt asteroids, is discovered by German astronomer Karl Ludwig Harding.
1836 Narcissa Whitman, one of the first English-speaking white women to settle west of the Rocky Mountains, arrives at Walla Walla, Washington.
1862 American Civil War: Battle of Chantilly – Confederate forces attack retreating Union troops in Chantilly, Virginia.
1878 Emma Nutt becomes the world’s first female telephone operator when she was recruited by Alexander Graham Bell to the Boston Telephone Dispatch Company.
1902 A Trip to the Moon, considered one of the first science fiction films, is released in France.
1905 Alberta & Saskatchewan become 8th & 9th Canadian provinces.
1920 The Fountain of Time opens as a tribute to the 100 years of peace between the United States and Great Britain following the Treaty of Ghent.
1939 George C. Marshall becomes Chief of Staff of the United States Army.
1951 The United States, Australia and New Zealand sign a mutual defense pact, called the ANZUS Treaty.
1972 Bobby Fischer (US) defeats Boris Spassky (USSR) for world chess title.
1979 The American space probe Pioneer 11 becomes the first spacecraft to visit Saturn when it passes the planet at a distance of 21,000 km.
1980 Terry Fox’s Marathon of Hope ends in Thunder Bay, Ontario.
1982 The United States Air Force Space Command is founded.
1985 A joint American–French expedition locates the wreckage of the RMS Titanic.
2004 Beslan school hostage crisis begins when armed terrorists take hundreds of schoolchildren and adults hostage in the Russian town of Beslan in North Ossetia.

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A farmer had been swindled many times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced the unit as follows:

- Basic Cow $999.95
- Shipping and Handling $35.75
- Extra Stomach $79.25
- Two-tone Exterior $142.10
- Produce Storage Compartment $128.50
- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper $189.60
- 4-Spigot/High Output Drain System $149.20
- Automatic Fly Swatter $88.50
- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery $170.80
- Deluxe Dual Horns $59.25
- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment $339.40
- 4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly $884.16
- Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb $69.80

Farmer Suggested List Price $3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment $300.00

Total list price (including options) $3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags $418.00

TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $4054.26

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“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

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ONE-LINERS :

~Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

~Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?

~Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

~Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

~Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

~Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

~Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

~If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

~Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?

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‘We are going to be the champions of television,’ announced Alan Cohen, ABC’s executive vp for marketing, during a news conference on Wednesday. Cohen went for laugh track, highlighting new ABC slogans:

‘Don’t just sit there. OK, just sit there’

‘Without a TV, how would you know where to put the sofa?’

‘Hello? It’s free’

‘Before TV, two world wars. After TV, zero’

‘You’re breathing. We’re broadcasting. Let’s get together’

‘TV, so good they named a frozen meal after it’

‘If TV’s so bad for you, why is there one in every hospital room?’

. . . As ratings and shares fall, as audiences vanish, who can blame the silliness.

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pic of the day:

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, ”Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, ”Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, ”Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ”Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, ”Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

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Two bees meet at a local rosebush.

First Bee: You look horrible — emaciated. Have you been getting enough to eat?

Second Bee: I know. Haven’t been lucky. I’m practically starving.

First Bee: Hey! There’s a Bar Mitzvah just a couple of hundred yards down the road. They always have plenty of flowers & a lot to eat. Try there

Second Bee: OK. I’ll see what I can find (off he flies)

The following day they meet at the same rose bush

First Bee: Hey, you look a lot better. Did you find the Bar Mitzvah?

Second Bee: Yea! Boy what food!

First Bee: Hey, what are you wearing on your head?

Second Bee: Oh, that’s a yarmulke. I didn’t want those Jews to think I was a WASP.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Many years ago, a tiny island nation in the South Pacific was home to some of the finest woodworkers who ever lived. Unfortunately, no one ever found about these legendary artisans since the only pieces they ever produced were thrones for the king of the island. It was a tradition that every year, on the first day of summer, the old throne would be burned in a massive bonfire and the woodworkers would present the king with their newest masterpiece, an ornate and beautiful throne they spent all year carving and shaping. The king would rule from the new royal seat and then destroy it at the next year’s summer festival.

One year, a new king ascended to the throne and spoke to his council of elders. “It’s a foolish thing to take these beautiful pieces of art and destroy them every year! Someone should save them for future generations to enjoy.”

But one of his ministers quickly pointed out, “Sire, this is a small island, and much of the land has been taken. We have no room to build a museum.”

Thinking quickly, the king proposed a solution. “I have the answer. We will build a second story onto the royal hut, and we shall store the thrones there.”

The king’s plan worked beautifully for a few years. Every year, he would summon the strongest men on the island to carry the thrones up into the second floor of the royal hut and add them to the collection. But on the fifth year, the floor finally could take no more, and the royal hut collapsed, killing the king and his whole family.

The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

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Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already’

Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998..’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’

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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. Man: ‘What was that for?’

Wife: ‘What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?’

Man: ‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.’ The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: ‘What the heck was that for this time?’

Wife: ‘Your horse called.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Truths on T-E-L-E-P-H-O-N-E

~ The telephone or phone in Greek: tele means far away and phone means voice

~ A telecommunications device which is used to transmit and receive sound across distance.

~ Telephone operators used to be young men but because many observed that they are prone to prank calling and chatting up female callers, women began to put marks in telephone operating.

~ Emma M. Nutt was the first woman telephone operator.

~ “Ahoy” was the original telephone greeting

~ Operators job is to help customers with person-to-person call, collect calls are and obtain the information needed to complete the call and record the details for billing.

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LIFE LESSON: What is there to be afraid of? The worst thing that can happen is you fail. So what? I failed at a lot of things. My first record was horrible. – John Mellencamp

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Your attitude, not your aptitude, determines your altitude. – Zig Ziglar