To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness. – Bertrand Russell
FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 5th – MONDAY
248th day of 2011 with 117 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*Be Late for Something Day
*Cheese Pizza Day
*Labor Day – first Monday of month
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
- 1667 Giovanni Gerolamo Saccheri, San Remo, Italian mathematician
- 1735 Johann Christian Bach, Germany, composer (son of Johann Sebastian Bach)
- 1818 Edmund Kennedy, Guernsey, Australian explorer and surveyor (New South Wales, Queensland)
- 1847 Jesse James, Kearney, Missouri, legendary outlaw of the Wild West (James-Younger Gang,bank & train robber)
- 1873 Cornelius Vanderbilt III, New York City, New York, inventor, engineer, soldier
- 1897 Morris Carnovsky, St. Louis, Missouri, American stage and film actor (Rhapsody in Blue, Saigon, Cyarno de Bergerac, The Gambler)
- 1916 Frank Yerby, Augusta, Georgia, historical novelist (The Foxes of Harrow, The Golden Hawk, The Saracen Blade)
- 1929 Bob Newhart, Oak Park, Illinois, actor and comedian (The Bob Newhart Show )
- 1934 Carol Lawrence, Melrose Park, Illinois, actress and singer (West Side Story)
- 1937 William Devane, Albany, New York, actor (The Missiles of October, Fear on Trial, Greg Sumner on Knots Landing, Hollow Man, Space Cowboys)
- 1939 John Stewart, New York City, New York, musician (The Kingston Trio)
- 1940 Raquel Welch, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Fantastic Voyage, One Million Years B.C., The Three Musketeers, Legally Blonde)
- 1951 Michael Keaton, Coraopolis, Pennsylvania, actor (Beetlejuice, Batman, Batman Returns )
- 1993 Gage Golightly, Tahoe, United States, actress (The Troop, A Carol Christmas, 5ive Days to Midnight)
- 1995 Caroline Sunshine, Atlanta, Georgia, actress (Shake It Up! , Marmaduke)
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It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it. – W. Somerset Maugham
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
- 1774 First Continental Congress assembles in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
- 1816 Louis XVIII has to dissolve the Chambre introuvable (“Unobtainable Chamber”).
- 1836 Sam Houston is elected as the first president of the Republic of Texas.
- 1839 The First Opium War begins in China.
- 1882 The first United States Labor Day parade is held in New York City.
- 1887 Fire at Theatre Royal in Exeter, England killed 186
- 1906 The first legal forward pass in American football is thrown by Bradbury Robinson of St. Louis University to teammate Jack Schneider in a 22–0 victory over Carroll College (Wisconsin).
- 1927 The first Oswald the Lucky Rabbit cartoon, Trolley Troubles, produced by Walt Disney, is released by Universal Pictures.
- 1960 The boxer Muhammad Ali (then Cassius Clay) is awarded the gold medal for his first place in the light heavyweight boxing competition at the Olympic Games in Rome.
- 1975Sacramento, California: Lynette Fromme attempts to assassinate U.S. President Gerald Ford.
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Greg lives above a bar, and one day he was walking up the stairs after losing his job. A man comes up to him and says, “You are looking really down. I know how to make you feel better. Watch this. I’ll jump off the 4th story and be sucked in the 2nd.”
He jumps off and was sucked in through the 2nd story window.
“Wow, that was cool, I’m gonna do it!” says Greg.
Greg jumps off the roof and landed hard on the ground, dead. The man who was safe in the 2nd story walked down to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says to him, “Superman, you shouldn’t mess with people’s minds like that.”
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So this pig walks into the bar and orders a beer. He pays, sits there quietly drinking, then orders another. And another. And another and another. This goes one for quite a few hours, and the bartender notices that the pig never visits the men’s room. Finally, the pig gets up to leave, and the bartender asks him how he could drink so much and never visit the bathroom.
The pig explains, “Well, I’m the piggy that goes wee wee wee all the way home!”
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ONE-LINERS :
~Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
~Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
~A fool and his money are soon partying.
~Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
~Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
~Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
~If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
~If God dropped acid, would he see people?
~If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
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Three blond men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don’t know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.
The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.
Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.
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pic of the day: Here’s lookin’ at you kid!
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After putting the grandchildren to bed, the grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was *THAT*?”
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There are a blonde brunette and a redhead on the top of a building. They all are eating sandwiches. The brunette has a ham and cheese sandwich. The redhead has a turkey with mustard sandwich. And the blonde has a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich.
They all make a bet that if their mom’s pack them the same sandwiches then they will jump off they building.
The next day they are at the top of the building. The brunette has a ham and cheese sandwich. So she jumped off the building.
The redhead had a turkey and mustard sandwich so she also jumped off the building.
The blonde had a PB&J sandwich so she also jumped off the building.
At the funeral the red heads Mom goes “I shouldn’t have packed her a turkey and mustard sandwich.
The brunettes Mom goes, “I should have packed her something else!”
The blondes Mom goes, ” I shouldn’t have let her pack her own lunch!”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Q: What did the ghost buy for his house?
A: Home moaner’s insurance!
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school!
Q: What’s in a ghosts nose?
A: Boo-gers!
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How to Translate Academic Jargon
When you next read an academic paper, make sure you have this handy guide by your side.
“IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN”…
I didn’t look up the original reference.
“A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT”…
These data are practically meaningless.
“WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS”…
An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
“THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY”…
The other results didn’t make any sense.
“TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN”…
This is the prettiest graph.
“THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT”…
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
“IN MY EXPERIENCE”…
Once.
“IN CASE AFTER CASE”…
Twice.
“IN A SERIES OF CASES”…
Thrice.
“IT IS BELIEVED THAT”…
I think.
“IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT”…
A couple of others think so, too.
“CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE” …
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
“ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS”…
Rumour has it.
“A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS”…
A really wild guess.
“A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA”…
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.
“IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS”…
I don’t understand it….and I never will.
“AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES”…
They don’t understand it either.
“A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY”…
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
“IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD”…
I am pleased to feed you this rubbish.
Postscript:
These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading an academic paper.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: PIZZA
~Americans eat billions of slices of pizza each year; the annual per capita pizza consumption is 23 pounds.
~The biggest night of the week for eating pizza is Saturday night.
~America’s most favorite pizza topping: pepperoni. America’s least favorite pizza topping: anchovies.
~In 1889 Raffaele Esposito, the most famous PIZZAIOLO (pizza chef) created a pie for Queen Margherita – tomato, basil and cheese, (to resemble the Italian flag) which remains the basis for American pizza.
~ 1987 was when October officially became National Pizza Month.
~Pizza is a $30 billion per year industry.
~ 46 slices per person? How about that? According to PACKAGED FACTS, New York, each man, woman and child in America eats an average of 46 slices (23 pounds) of pizza a year.
~Italy is not part of America yet Italian food ranks as the most popular ethnic food in America.
~Based on Gallup Poll, kids between the ages of 3 to 11 like better pizza over all other food groups for lunch and dinner.
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LIFE LESSON: The modern fairy tale ending is the reverse of the traditional one: A woman does not wait for Prince Charming to bring her happiness; she lives happily ever after only by refusing to wait for him — or by actually rejecting him. It is those who persist in hoping for a Prince Charming who are setting themselves up for disillusionment and unhappiness. – Susan Falud
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QUIP OF THE DAY: What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail? -Dr. Robert Schuller
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: Stubbornness is also determination. It’s simply a matter of shifting from “won’t power” to “will power. – Peter McWilliams, Life 101
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