Jokes and Trivia for September 9, 2011

It is better to wear out than to rust out. – Bishop Richard Cumberland

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 9th – FRIDAY

252nd day of 2011 with 113 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Teddy Bear Day

*Wienerschnitzel Day

* Bodacious Bonza Bottler Day

* National Steak Au Poivre Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1828 Leo Tolstoy, Russia, novelist (War and Peace, Anna Karenina)
1868 Mary Hunter Austin, Carlinville, Illinois, writer (The Land of Little Rain, The Basket Woman)
1890 Colonel Harland Sanders, Henryville, Indiana, colonel/CEO (Kentucky Fried Chicken)
1899 Neil Hamilton, Lynn, Massachusetts, actor, best known for his role as Commissioner Gordon on the Batman TV series of the 1960s
1899 Bruno E. Jacob, Valders, Wisconsin, Founder of the National Forensic League
1903 Phyllis A. Whitney, Yokohama, Japan, American mystery writer (The Mystery of the Hidden Hand, The Mystery of the Haunted Pool, Domino, Silversword, The Singing Stones)
1919 Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder, Steubenville, Ohio, bookmaker and sports commentator
1920 Robert Wood Johnson III, New Brunswick, New Jersey, philanthropist (president and chairman of Johnson & Johnson)
1922 Hans Georg Dehmelt, Görlitz, Germany, physicist, known for Development of the ion trap, Precise measurement of the electron g-factor
1925 Cliff Robertson, La Jolla, California, actor (Charly, Spiderman, spokesman for AT&T for 10 years)
1923 Daniel Carleton Gajdusek, Yonkers, New York, virologist, recipient of the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine (Prion)
1924 Jane Greer, Washington, D.C., actress (Out of the Past, Prisoner of Zenda, Clown)
1941 Otis Redding, Dawson, Georgia, singer / songwrite (Try a Little Tenderness, Sittin’ On the Dock of Bay)
1941 Dennis Ritchie, Bronxville, New York, computer scientist (developed C language, work with Multics & Unix)
1945 Dee Dee Sharp, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, R&B singer (Best Of Dee Dee Sharp)
1946 Doug Ingle, Omaha, Nebraska, musician (Iron Butterfly)
1951 Tom Wopat, Loda, Wisconsin, actor and singer (Luke-Dukes of Hazzard, Cybill)
1952 Angela Cartwright, England (Make Room for Daddy, Lost in Space)
1954 Jeffrey Combs, actor (Weyoun, Brunt / ST: DS9; Shran, Krem / ST Enterprise)
1966 Adam Sandler, Brooklyn, New York, actor and comedian (Happy Gilmore, Big Daddy, Mr. Deeds)
1974 Marcos Curiel, San Diego California, guitarist (P.O.D.), Songwriter, Producer.
1980 Michelle Williams, Kalispell, Montana, actress (Brokeback Mountain, Wendy and Lucy, Blue Valentine)

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To know the road ahead, ask those coming back. – Chinese Proverb

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1513 James IV of Scotland is defeated and dies in the Battle of Flodden Field, ending Scotland’s involvement in the War of the League of Cambrai.
1543 Mary Stuart, at nine months old, is crowned “Queen of Scots” in the central Scottish town of Stirling.
1739 Stono Rebellion, the largest slave uprising in Britain’s mainland North American colonies prior to the American Revolution, erupts near Charleston, South Carolina.
1776 The Continental Congress officially names its new union of sovereign states the United States.
1791 Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States, is named after President George Washington.
1801 Alexander I of Russia confirms the privileges of Baltic provinces.
1830 Charles Durant, 1st US aeronaut, flies a balloon from Castle Garden, NYC to Perth Amboy, NJ
1839 John Herschel takes the first glass plate photograph.
1850 California is admitted as the thirty-first U.S. state.
1850 The Compromise of 1850 strips Texas of a third of its claimed territory (now parts of Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, Oklahoma, and Wyoming) in return for the U.S. federal government assuming $10 million of Texas’s pre-annexation debt.
1926 The U.S. National Broadcasting Company is formed.
1940 George Stibitz pioneers the first remote operation of a computer.
1942 Japanese floatplane drops bomb on Mount Emily Oregon during WWII, first bombing on American soil.
1956 Elvis Presley appears on The Ed Sullivan Show for the first time.
1965 The United States Department of Housing and Urban Development is established.
1965 Hurricane Betsy makes its second landfall near New Orleans, Louisiana, leaving 76 dead and $1.42 billion ($10–12 billion in 2005 dollars) in damages, becoming the first hurricane to top $1 billion in unadjusted damages.
1966 The National Traffic and Motor Vehicle Safety Act is signed into law by U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
1969 Allegheny Airlines Flight 853 DC-9 collides in flight with a Piper PA-28 and crashes near Fairland, Indiana.
1971 1,000 convicts seize Attica, NY prison, the start of a 4-day riot which eventually results in 39 dead, most killed by state troopers retaking the prison.
2004 2004 Australian embassy bombing: A bomb explodes outside the Australian embassy in Jakarta, killing 10 people.

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“I’m thinking of getting a dog.”

“What breed?”

“A black lab.”

“Don’t do it! Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

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The first grade teacher asks, “Andrew, what do we call the outside of a tree?”

He clearly has no idea. The girl sitting next to him whispers to him, “Bark, Andrew, Bark.”

Andrew perks up and says, “Bow-wow!”

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ONE-LINERS : Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for “9-Lives.”

You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: “Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you’ll never see Spot again.”

Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.

You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.

Several hundred dollars’ worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to “1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW.”

You find out that the lifetime supply of cat food wasn’t a prize from “Kitten’s Life” magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in the ‘hood.

After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding Friskies and catnip.

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Anxious about some medical tests I was to have, I expressed my fears to my loving and understanding wife.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “They’ll give you a sedative through an IV in your arm.”

That didn’t help. I said, “That’s what they do to dogs when they want to kill them!”

After a pause, she replied “Then don’t bark!”

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pic of the day: Mountain Lion

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Two good ole boys from Alabama loved to fish, but it was winter. So they decided to go to Canada for some ice fishing. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re gonna need an ice pick.”

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re gonna need another dozen ice picks.”

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn’t. He sold him the picks, and the ole boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. “We’re gonna need all the ice picks you’ve got.”

The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “How are you fellows doing?”

“Not very well at all. We ain’t even got the boat in the water yet.”

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A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

“That’s it! I can never remember that word!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A father and son were rabid fans of the Boston Bruins. They had season tickets and never missed a home game. Their seats were as close as possible to their favorite player — the Bruins’ goalie. Each game they would lustily cheer his exploits.

After several seasons, the goalie started skating over to the pair’s seats after games tochat. Soon the three struck up a friendship, and the goalie invited the two fans to his home for dinner. The pro piled the table with delicious food, including some bread that he had baked from his own recipe. It was called Hockey Mountain Rye.

A sportswriter got wind of this family story and wrote a column about it. He told how wonderful relationships like these were for professional sports and managed to effusively praise … the father, the son, and the goalie host.

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I was a computer-savvy student, so the high school librarian called me to her office complaining of a computer crash. While booting up the computer, I asked her what she had done immediately prior to the crash.

“I just erased some files that were taking up memory space,” she replied matter-of-factly.

“There was one big one that the Spanish teacher must have put on there. I think it was called DOS.”

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My doctor’s receptionist called me to the desk to update my personal file.

Before I could tell her that all the information she had was still correct, she asked, “Has your birth date changed?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: TEDDY BEAR

~2002 marked the 100^th birthday of the teddy bear.

~This was invented almost simultaneously in the United States and Germany but the United States undeniably gave it its name.

~England, Germany, and the United States all declared to have created the first Teddy Bear. England claims the Teddy Bear was based on King Edward VII’s nickname, which was “Teddy.” But the United States version of the story is different and more popular. Where to believe?

~Teddy Bear collecting is called arctophily – a combination of two Greek words that mean “bear” and “love.”

~Peter Bull, a Teddy Bear collector was the one who called it as arctophily. Mr. Bull also suggested that a group of Teddy Bears should be called “hug of bears.”

~Most of the very first Teddy Bears were actually made with real bear fur!

~Police officers and fire fighters often use Teddy Bears to comfort children who are lost or scared. In hospitals, a child who is going to have an operation can bring in his or her Teddy Bear for a free checkup by a nurse or doctor. The Teddy Bear’s important job is to help the child not feel scared about being in the hospital.

~You’re never too old for a Teddy Bear! Teddy Bear collectors are all ages!

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LIFE LESSON: Watch out for the fellow who talks about putting things in order! Putting things in order always means getting other people under your control. – Denis Diderot, Supplement to Bougainville’s ‘Voyage,’ 1796

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir. Mighty scarce.” -Mark Twain

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: We cannot control the evil tongues of others; but a good life enables us to disregard them. – Cato the Elder