Jokes and Trivia for September 13, 2011

Be a fountain, not a drain. – Rex Hudler

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 13th – TUESDAY

256th day of 2011 with 109 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Defy Superstition Day

*Fortune Cookie Day

*National Peanut Day

*Positive Thinking Day

*Uncle Sam Day – his image was first used in 1813

*Snack A Pickle Time

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1851 Walter Reed, Belroi, Virginia, physician and biologist confirmed the theory that yellow fever is transmitted by mosquitoes, rather than by direct contact.
1857 Milton S Hershey, Derry Church, Pennsylvania, chocolate manufacturer/philanthropist (Hershey Chocolates)
1873 Constantin Carathéodory, Berlin, Germany, Greek mathematician (Carathéodory theorems, Carathéodory conjecture)
1886 Sir Robert Robinson, Derbyshire, England, chemist, Known for Development of Organic synthesis
1911 Bill Monroe, Rosine, Kentucky, singer (Blue Grass Boys, “Father of Bluegrass”)
1916 Roald Dahl, Cardiff Wales, Welsh writer, fighter ace (Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, James & the Giant Peach)
1938 Judith Martin, Washington, D. C., etiquette writer (Miss Manners)
1939 Richard Kiel, Detroit, Michigan, actor (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker)
1948 Nell Carter, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (Ain’t Misbehavin, Gimme a Break, Lobo)
1948 Dimitri Nanopoulos, Athens, Greece, physicist, Known for High energy physics
1949 Fred “Sonic” Smith, West Virginia, guitarist (MC5)
1951 Jean Smart, Seattle, Washington, actress (Designing Women, 24, Kim Possible/voice for Dr. Possible, Samantha Who?)
1952 Randy Jones, Raleigh, North Carolina, musician (The Village People)
1960 Greg Baldwin, Grants, New Mexico, voiceover actor (Avatar: The Last Airbender, Jack M. Crazyfish in Spongebob Squarepants)
1961 Dave Mustaine, La Mesa, CA, musician (ex-Metallica, Megadeth)
1970 Jason Scott Sadofsky, Hopewell Junction, New York, programmer, archivist and historian of technology; creator, owner & maintainer of textfiles.com, a web site which archives files from historic bulletin board systems.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

We only know of one duty, and that is to love. – Albert Camus

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1503 Michelangelo begins work on his statue of David.
1504 Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand issue a Royal Warrant for the construction of a Royal Chapel (Capilla Real) to be built.
1584 San Lorenzo del Escorial Palace in Madrid is finished.
1609 Henry Hudson reached the river that would later be named after him – the Hudson River.
1788 The United States’ Philadelphia Convention sets the date for the country’s first presidential election, and New York City becomes the temporary capital of the U.S..
1848 Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage incredibly survives a 3-foot-plus iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions.
1850 First ascent of Piz Bernina, the highest summit of the eastern Alps.
1862 American Civil War: Union soldiers find a copy of Robert E. Lee’s battle plans in a field outside Frederick, Maryland. It is the prelude to the Battle of Antietam.
1898 Hannibal Williston Goodwin patents celluloid photographic film.
1899 Henry Bliss is the first person in the United States to be killed in an automobile accident.
1900 Filipino resistance fighters defeat a small American column in the Battle of Pulang Lupa, during the Philippine-American War.
1906 First fixed-wing aircraft flight in Europe.
1943 The Municipal Theatre of Corfu is destroyed during an aerial bombardment by Luftwaffe.
1948 Margaret Chase Smith is elected senator, and becomes the first woman to serve in both the U.S. House of Representatives and the United States Senate.
1956 IBM introduces the first computer disk storage unit, the RAMAC 305.
1969 The premiere episode of “Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?” with episode entitled, “What a Night for a Knight”
1985 Nintendo releases its smash-hit Super Mario Bros., the best selling video game of all time (25th anniversary today!)
2008 Hurricane Ike makes landfall on the Texas Gulf Coast of the United States, causing heavy damage to Galveston Island, Houston and surrounding areas.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I was teaching set theory to a second-grade class. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a set of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake and ring cookies. Correct answers might have included all the items are edible, or have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy’s response was, “All those things have too many calories.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The teacher caught the little boy swearing. “You shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you learn it?”

“My daddy said it.”

“Well, that doesn’t matter. You don’t know what it means.”

“I do, too! It means the car won’t start.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS : ** Laughable Complaints Made By Holidaymakers to Travel Agents **

1) I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.

2) It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during “siesta” time – this should be banned.

3) On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.

4) The beach was too sandy.

5) A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

6) We bought “Ray-Ban” sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

7) No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

9) The brochure stated: “No hairdressers at the accommodation”. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?

10) We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

At the University of Maine, proper attire is required in the dining rooms. The management posted this notice: “Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria.”

Next to it, a student added, “Socks can eatwherever they want.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Clydesdale Poodle..

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project.”

I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. The title of their project was “The oldest thing in my house.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WAITING TO HAVE a physical at the base hospital in Cherry Point, N.C., I overheard a Marine Corps warrant officer try unsuccessfully to get the medical personnel to issue him new eyeglasses without an appointment. Just then, a two-star general came into the room, and the warrant officer snapped sharply to attention, greeting him, “Good morning, Colonel.”

“Mister,” the general replied, “If you can’t tell a two-star general from a colonel, you better get some glasses.”

The warrant officer didn’t have to wait for an appointment. –Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Willis Vaughn

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”.
“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested.”Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”
Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens — he declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention– so he’s let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade, he claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being bacon and eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer.

The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry fellas, but we don’t serve breakfast.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Snack A Pickle Time

~According to the USDA, 97.500 acres of Cucumbers were harvested for Pickles in the U.S. in 2009.

~Berrien Springs, Michigan – Christmas Pickle Capital of the World.

~Pickles: Fruit or Vegetable? Actually, they are both! According to the U.S. Supreme Court, because they have seeds, pickles are technically a “fruit of the vine”. On the other hand, because they are made from cucumbers, they are generally branded as a vegetable.

~26 billion pickles are packed each year in the U.S.

~ American prefers 7 ‘warts’ per square inch, Europeans prefer pickles with no ‘warts.’

~More than half the cucumbers grown in the U.S. are made into pickles.

~Amerigo Vespucci, for whom America is named, was a pickle merchant before becoming an explorer.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

LIFE LESSON: Life is full of surprises and and serendipity. Being open to unexpected turns in the road is an important part of success. If you try to plan every step, you may miss those wonderful twists and turns. Just find your next adventure-do it well, enjoy it-and then, not now, think about what comes next. – Condoleeza Rice

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but reveal to them their own. – Benjamin Disraeli

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Men are born with two eyes, but only one tongue, in order that they should see twice as much as they say. – Charles Caleb Colton