Jokes and Trivia for September 16, 2011

Each moment in time we have it all, even when we think we don’t. – Melody Beattie

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 16th – FRIDAY

259th day of 2011 with 106to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Collect Rocks Day

*Stepfamily Day

*Mayflower Day

*Mexican Independence Day

*National Play Doh Day

*Working Parents Day

*National Guacamole Day

* National Cinnamon Raisin Bread Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1678 Henry St John, Battersea, Surrey, England, statesman and philosopher (The Works of Lord Bolingbroke )
1722 Gabriel Christie, Stirling, Scotland , British general who settled in Montreal after the French and Indian War
1725 Nicolas Desmarest, Soulaines-Dhuys, French geologist who made observations in Auvergne
1827 Jean Albert Gaudry, St Germain-en-Laye, French geologist (Essai de paléontologie philosophique 1896 )
1844 Claude-Paul Taffanel, Bordeaux, France, flautist, conductor and instructor regarded as the founder of the French Flute School
1875 James C. Penney, Hamilton, Missouri, department store founder (J.C. Penney’s)
1898 H. A. Rey, Hamburg, Germany, author (Curious George books for children)
1914 Allen Funt, New York City, New York, American radio and television personality (Adventures in Human Nature with “Candid Mike”)
1922 Marcel Mouloudji, Paris, French actor and singer (La Planque )
1924 Lauren Bacall, New York City, New York, actress (Dark Passage, Key Largo)
1927 Peter Falk, New York, New York, actor (Colombo, Scared Straight)
1935 Jules Bass, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, author, producer, director and composer. (Herb, the Vegetarian Dragon, 1999 )
1949 Susan Ruttan, Oregon City, Oregon, actress (Roxanne Melman-LA Law)
1952 Mickey Rourke, Schenectady, New York, actor. (Bullet)
1956 David Copperfield, Metuchen, New Jersey, magician / illusionist
1970 Mark Schultz, Colby, Kansas, musician (contemporary Christian music)
1984 Sabrina Bryan, Yorba Linda, California, actress and singer. (The Cheetah Girls, 5th season Dancing with the Stars)
1986 Gordon Beckham, Atlanta, Georgia , baseball player (Chicago White Sox)
1988 Sarah Steele, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actress. (Margaret)
1992 Nick Jonas, Dallas, Texas, United States, singer and guitar player (Jonas Brothers)

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Life is fickle; the fair man doesn’t invariably win. – Mark Hodder, The Strange Affair of Spring Heeled Jack

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1400 Owain Glyndŵr is declared Prince of Wales by his followers.
1701 James Francis Edward Stuart, sometimes called the “Old Pretender”, becomes the Jacobite claimant to the thrones of England and Scotland.
1776 American Revolutionary War: the Battle of Harlem Heights is fought.
1810 With the Grito de Dolores, Father Miguel Hidalgo begins Mexico’s fight for independence from Spain.
1893 Cherokee Strip, Oklahoma, opened to white settlement homesteaders.
1908 General Motors founded by William C Durant.
1919 The American Legion is incorporated.
1963 “Outer Limits” premiers on TV.
1963 Malaysia formed from Malaya, Singapore, Br. N. Borneo & Sarawak.
1966 The Metropolitan Opera House opens at Lincoln Center in New York City with the world premiere of Samuel Barber’s opera, Antony and Cleopatra.
1975 The first prototype of the MiG-31 interceptor makes its maiden flight.
1987 The Montreal Protocol is signed to protect the ozone layer from depletion.
1990 A rail link between China and Kazakhstan is completed at Dostyk, adding an important connection to the Eurasian Land Bridge.
1991 The trial of deposed Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega begins in the United States.
1992 Black Wednesday: the Pound Sterling is forced out of the European Exchange Rate Mechanism by currency speculators and is forced to devalue against the Deutschmark.

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Subject: The Cure

A woman visited her new ‘Managed Care’ doctor at a Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

The second doctor went back to the first and said, ‘What’s is the matter with you ? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children & seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?’

The new doctor simply smiled and said: ‘Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it ?’

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After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations, at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.

I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register. ‘Cash or charge?’ the clerk asked.

‘Cash,’ I snapped. Then realizing that my pent-up frustrations had just leaked out, I apologized for my rudeness, and explained: ‘I’ve spent the afternoon at the Department of Motor Vehicles.’

‘Shall I giftwrap the bat?’ the clerk asked sweetly. ‘Or are you going back there?’

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ONE-LINERS : SIX TRUTHS

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, due to the tendons within your neck.

2. All boneheads, after reading #1 will try it…

3. …and discover that #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now because you realize you are an bonehead.

5. You soon will share this with another bonehead.

6. There is still a stupid smile on your face! I sincerely apologize about this, but I’m an bonehead and I needed company.

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An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ”I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, ”So, what’s the catch?”

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Two neighbors were having a chat when one said, ‘I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law.’

The other asked, ‘Did you put it to sleep?’

‘No, of course not,’ said the first, ‘I had its teeth sharpened.’

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Andy said, “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.”

The psychiatrist replied, “Hold it, Andy. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”

“Oh yeah?” said Andy, “In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Once upon a time, a cowboy that was supposed to be the bravest cowboy in the west walked into a saloon. Some men near him, start talking, and finally walk up to him and ask him to prove that he really is the bravest cowboy in the west.

The cowboy agreed and asked what he had to do. Then the men told him that there was a haunted coffin upstairs, and if he could overcome the coffin, he would surely be the bravest cowboy in the west.

As the cowboy reached the top of the stairs, he saw the coffin coming near him. This was way too much for him to handle. He ran out of the saloon and jumped on his horse. After he had gotten a good distance from the saloon, he looked back and to his astonishment, the coffin was floating in the air coming straight towards him.

Soon the cowboy and his horse were surrounded by a tall canyon. The cowboy jumped off of his horse and ran towards one of the canyon walls, with the coffin floating even faster towards him. He tried to climb up the canyon’s wall, but it was just too high. He turned to look at the coffin coming closer and closer. He knew this was going to be it.

Just then, as he thought there was no hope, and the coffin was so close he could touch it, he took out a package of cough drops, and the coffin’ stopped

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn’t move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said……….

“Not very” strong tonight, are you Batman?”

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Sixteen Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.

2. Bandage left thumb.

3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments

4. Bandage left foot.

5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).

6. Light Match.

7. Light Match.

8. Repeat “a Scout is cheerful” and light match.

9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.

10. Apply burn ointment to nose.

11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.

12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled “kerosene.”

13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.

14. Re-label can to read “gasoline.”

15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.

16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps 1-15.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Captivating Facts about Rocks and Minerals

~ Diamond is the hardest natural substance found on earth

~Quartz is one of the most common minerals on Earth?

~The most common rock on Earth is basalt

~Breccia is a rock composed of generally large, sharp fragments cemented together

~Jade because of it’s toughness has been used for many cultural things like hammers, fish hooks, and stone axes.

~One of the most popular gemstones today is Ruby.

~First geologist on the moon was Harrison Schmitt who was part of the Apollo 17 mission.From the rock samples he collected, scientists have been able to learn many things about the moon.

~Did you know that the biggest pure-gold nugget was found in Australia in 1869 and weighed 156 pounds?

~Are you aware that geodes are dull balls of igneous or sedimentary rock on the outside, but contain beautiful crystals on the inside?

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LIFE LESSON erfectionism is simply putting a limit on your future. When you have an idea of perfect in your mind, you open the door to constantly comparing what you have now with what you want. That type of self criticism is significantly deterring. – John Eliot, Ph.D., Reverse Psychology for Success

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. – Helen Keller

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. – Dalai Lama