Jokes and Trivia for September 21, 2011

Life is difficult and complicated and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes. - J.K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement Address, 2008

FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 21st – WEDNESDAY

264th day of 2011 with 101 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Peace Day

*Miniature Golf Day

*World Gratitude Day

*International Banana Festival

*National Pecan Cookie Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1756 John Loudon McAdam, Scottish engineer, created macadam road surface (asphalt)
1853 Heike Kamerlingh Onnes, Groningen, Netherlands, Dutch physicist (discovery of superconductivity)
1866 Charles Nicolle, Rouen, France, bacteriologist, known for Epidemic typhus
1866 H(erbert) G(eorge) Wells, Bromley, England, author – “Father of Science Fiction” (War of the Worlds, The Time Machine, The Invisible Man, The Island of Dr. Moreau)
1912 Chuck Jones, Spokane, Washington, animator (Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies, Bugs Bunny – Daffy Duck)
1918 John Gofman, Cleveland, Ohio, Manhattan Project scientist and advocate
1926 Donald A. Glaser, Cleveland, Ohio, physicist, known for Invention of bubble chamber
1931 Larry Hagman, Fort Worth, Texas, actor (I Dream of Jeannie, JR in Dallas)
1936 Diane Rehm, Washington, D.C., radio talk show host for National Public Radio
1947 Don Felder, Gainesville, Florida, guitarist (Eagles)
1947 Stephen King, Portland, Maine, suspense writer (Carrie, The Shining, Kujo, The Dark Tower series)
1950 Bill Murray, Evanston, Illinois, comedian (SNL, What About Bob, Ghostbusters)
1955 Richard Hieb, Jamestown, North Dakota, astronaut, NASA astronaut and a veteran of three space shuttle missions
1961 Nancy Travis, New York City, New York, actress (Greedy, Internal Affairs, Three Men and a Baby)
1962 Rob Morrow, New Rochelle, New York, actor (Numb3rs)
1967 Faith Hill, Ridgeland, Mississippi, country singer (married to Tim McGraw), Monday Night Football intro
1989 Jason Derulo, Miami, Florida, Pop singer (Whatcha Say)
1990 Christian Serratos, Pasadena, California, actress, model and singer (Angela Weber in Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse)
1990 Allison Scagliotti, Monterey, California, actress (Drake & Josh)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The greatest happiness is to transform one’s feelings into action. – Madame de Stael

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1780 Benedict Arnold gives the British the plans to West Point.
1897 NY Sun runs famous “Yes, Virginia there is a Santa Claus,” editorial.
1937 “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien is published.
1938 The Great Hurricane of 1938 makes landfall on Long Island in New York. The death toll is estimated at 500-700 people.
1942 B-29 Superfortress makes its debut.
1957 “Perry Mason” with Raymond Burr premiers on CBS-TV.
1964 The North American XB-70 Valkyrie, the world’s first Mach 3 bomber, makes its maiden flight from Palmdale, California.
1965 Gambia, Maldives and Singapore are admitted as members of the United Nations.
1970 “Monday Night Football” on ABC premiers (Browns beat Jets 31-21).
1971 Bahrain, Bhutan and Qatar join the United Nations.
1972 Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos signs Proclamation No. 1081 placing the entire country under martial law.
1976 Orlando Letelier is assassinated in Washington, D.C. He is a member of the Chilean socialist government of Salvador Allende, overthrown in 1973 by Augusto Pinochet.
1989 Hurricane Hugo makes landfall in the U.S. state of South Carolina.
1991 Armenia is granted independence from Soviet Union.
2003 Galileo mission is terminated by sending the probe into Jupiter’s atmosphere, where it is crushed by the pressure at the lower altitudes.
2004 The Communist Party of India (Marxist-Leninist) People’s War and the Maoist Communist Centre of India merge to form the Communist Party of India (Maoist).
2008 Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, the two last remaining independent investment banks on Wall Street, become bank holding companies as a result of the subprime mortgage crisis.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The grad with a Science degree asks, ”Why does it work?”
The grad with an Engineering degree asks, ”How does it work?”
The grad with an Accounting degree asks, ”How much will it cost?”
The grad with a Liberal Arts degree asks, ”Do you want fries with that?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other “looks.” Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: “It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I’m glad she slapped him.”

The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: “I didn’t think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped and hit me!”

The young woman was sitting and thinking: “I’m glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: “Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS : How to be the perfect asian american parent

1. Be a little more lenient on the 7:00 p.m. curfew.

2. Don’t ask where the other point went when your child comes home with 99 percent grade on his/her report card.

3. Don’t “ai-yah” loudly at your kid’s dress habits.

4. Don’t blatantly hint about the merits of Habadu (Harvard), Yeil (Yale), or Purinsuton (Princeton).

5. Don’t reveal all the intimate details of your kid’s life to the entire Asian community.

6. Don’t ask your child, “What are you going to do with your life?” if he/she majors in a non-science field.

7. Don’t give your son a bowl haircut or your daughter two acres of bangs.

8. Don’t try to set your kid up on a date in anticipation of their poor taste or inept social skills.

9. Incorporate other phrases besides, “Did you study yet?” into your daily conversations with your children.

10. Don’t ask all your kid’s friends over the age of 21 if they have a boy/girlfriend yet.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning service. “I missed you this morning,” the pastor says.

“Well, Rev’rund,” the farmer replied, “I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: VF-96 NAVY plane model at Hickory Aviation Museum (Hickory, NC)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get of the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, “Keith, we’re in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”

Keith replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”

Picture this ….. all the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cain and Abel when the boys were young. Cain and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

“Daddy? Why don’t we live in there instead of out here?” they asked innocently.

Adam said, “Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE TREKKIE PUN ZONE!

Q. How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. All of them

————-

Q: How many Cardassians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 4. One to change the light bulb, and one to shoot him and take the credit, two more for disposing the body out an airlock, and 100 credits each to hire them.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Take One

The following story was reported some years ago in the Las Vegas Sun:

A man approached the cashiers’ cage at Binion’s Horseshoe in downtown Las Vegas, pulled a shotgun and was given an amount of cash. (Note that casino cages are located at the rear of the casino to discourage such activities.)

The man tucked his shotgun under a trench coat and started to walk casually out of the casino. He was immediately surrounded by casino guards who walked with him so as not to cause a scene.

Evaluating his situation, the man entered the casino and sat down at a card game in progress. He remained seated there for several hands, still surrounded by security personnel. The game continued uninterrupted.

Finally, perhaps with the thought of creating escape-aiding confusion, the man upended the table sending cards and chips flying. He was immediately set upon by the card players who had to be restrained by the security guards from killing the interloper.

The game resumed shortly thereafter and the thief was taken to the hospital.

Take Two

This story even made the “America’s Dumbest Criminals” book …

In Peoria, Illinois, police were called to the scene of a home burglary. It turned out that only one major item was missing — an entire houseful of new wall-to-wall carpet.

The officers on the scene had no idea how to track a hot carpet. As they headed outside into the newly fallen snow to look around, they found footprints and a long, scraped trail. The officers followed the trail to a neighbor’s front door. When the police entered the house, they found the stolen carpet recut and laid to fit its new home.

The man who lived there insisted that he had purchased the rug, but police showed him his own trail. He was arrested and charged with the crime.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Strange Calls to Information . . .

On one occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: ‘I haven’t got a pen, so I’m steaming up the window to write the number on.’
———————————————————————-

Tech Support: ‘OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?’
Customer:’Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’

———————————————————————-

Phone Directory Enquiries
Caller: ‘I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please’
Operator: ‘I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?’
Caller: ‘Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the ‘B’ fell off.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Mini facts about Miniature Golf

~The Ladies’ Putting Club in St. Andrews, Scotland is considered the very first miniature golf course. It was built in 1867 for practical purposes as it was considered unacceptable for women to take the club back past their shoulder during this time period.

~There were stories of 12-year-old boys, during the Great Depression, that for an initial investment of 90 cents would set up a miniature golf course in a vacant lot and turn a 1000% profit over the weekend.

~Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has the most mini golf courses in the country.

~ Did You Know? — May 10th is Golfer’s Day

~During the later part of the 20th century, mini golf courses were designed like theme parks with windmills, fun characters, and hilly colorful landscapes to attract people to come and play.

~The term “putt-putt golf” was coined after the golf putter which is used to hit the golf ball into the hole. The sport of golf requires a number of clubs and drivers throughout the game, while Mini Golf only requires a putter to play.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

LIFE LESSON: By engaging in a delusive quest for happiness, we bring only suffering upon ourselves. In our frantic search for something to quench our thirst, we overlook the water all around us and drive ourselves into exile from our own lives. – Sharon Salzberg

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. – Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama