No pleasure is comparable to the standing upon the vantage-ground of truth. – Francis Bacon
FOR TODAY – SEPTEMBER 22nd – THURSDAY
265th day of 2011 with 100 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*Business Women’s Day
*Elephant Appreciation Day
*National Ice Cream Cone Day
* White Chocolate Day
* National Centenarians Day
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
- 1741 Peter Simon Pallas, Berlin, German zoologist, known for Pallasite meteorite
- 1791 Michael Faraday, Newington Butts, Surrey, England, scientist, contributed to the fields of electromagnetism and electrochemistry
- 1901 Charles B. Huggins, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canadian-born scientist, known for prostate cancer hormones
- 1904 Ellen Church, Cresco, Iowa, pilot / nurse (first female flight attendant)
- 1912 Martha Scott, Jamesport, Missouri, actress (The Bob Newhart Show, Dallas, Bionic Woman, Our Town)
- 1927 Tommy Lasorda, Norristown, Pennsylvania, baseball manager (LA Dodgers)
- 1928 Eugene Roche, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (Ajax Man)
- 1939 Junko Tabei, Japan, first woman to climb Mount Everest
- 1943 Toni Basil, Philadelphia, United States, singer, best-known for her worldwide #1 hit “Mickey”
- 1948 Jim Byrnes, St. Louis, Missouri, actor and musician, roles include Higher Ground and cartoon voices in Beast Wars: Transformers, Beast Machines: Transformers, Shadow Raiders, Stargate Infinity, and as Colonel Nick Fury in X-Men: Evolution
- 1960 Scott Baio, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Joanie loves Chachi, Charles in Charge, Zapped)
- 1961 Marq Torien, Los Angeles, California, Rock singer (BulletBoys)
- 1967 Matt Besser, Little Rock, Arkansas, comedian (Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story, Martin & Orloff)
- 1969 Matt Sharp, Bangkok, Thailand American musician (Weezer, The Rentals)
- 1982 Billie Piper, English singer and actress (Rose Tyler – Dr. Who’s companion)
- 1993 Chase Ellison, Reno, Nevada, actor (Tooth Fairy)
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it. – Groucho Marx
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
- 1692 Last people hanged for witchcraft in the United States.
- 1761 George III and Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz are crowned King and Queen of the Great Britain.
- 1776 Nathan Hale is hanged for spying during American Revolution.
- 1784 Russian trappers established a colony on Kodiak Island, Alaska.
- 1789 Office of Postmaster General of the US established by Congress.
- 1823 Joseph Smith, Jr. claims that he is directed by God through the Angel Moroni to the place where the Golden plates were buried.
- 1851 The city of Des Moines, Iowa is incorporated as Fort Des Moines.
- 1862 Slavery in the United States: a preliminary version of the Emancipation Proclamation is released.
- 1888 The first issue of National Geographic Magazine is published.
- 1893 The first American-made automobile, built by the Duryea Brothers, is displayed.
- 1919 The steel strike of 1919, led by the Amalgamated Association of Iron and Steel Workers, begins in Pennsylvania before spreading across the United States.
- 1951 The first live sporting event seen coast-to-coast in the United States, a college football game between Duke and the University of Pittsburgh, is televised on NBC.
- 1955 In the United Kingdom, the television channel ITV goes live for the first time.
- 1964 “The Man from U.N.C.L.E.” premiers on NBC-TV .
- 1975 Sara Jane Moore tries to assassinate President Ford in California.
- 1979 The Vela Incident (also known as the South Atlantic Flash) is observed near Bouvet Island, thought to be a nuclear weapons test.
- 1980 Iraq invades Iran.
- 1985 The Plaza Accord is signed in New York City.
- 2006 The F-14 Tomcat is retired from the United States Navy.
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A farmer’s wife was terribly jealous. Evening after evening, she subjected her husband to a searching inspection. When she would find even a single hair on his coat, there would be a terrible scene! One night, she found nothing.
”So,” she screamed, ”Now it’s a bald-headed woman!”
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Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish, “Quawwwwk…vus machts du?”
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it. Perfect Yiddish.
The proprietor urged him, “Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot…”
Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: “Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?”
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America . About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Florida.
The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tefillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tefillin handmade for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew.
So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer.
Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, “Daven!”
Nothing.
“Daven…parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everyone is looking at you!”
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars..
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.
Finally several blocks from the Shul the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
“Why? After I had tefillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?”
“Meyer, don’t be a schmuck,” the parrot replied. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
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ONE-LINERS : HOW TO BE A PERFECT ASIAN KID (From the First Generation Perspective)
1. Score a perfect 1600 on the SAT.
2. Play the violin or piano on the level of a concert performer.
3. Apply to and be accepted by 27 colleges.
4. Go to a prestigious Ivy League university and win enough scholarship money to pay for it.
5. Have four hobbies: studying, studying, violin/piano, and studying.
6. Love classical music and detest talking on the telephone.
7. Become a Westinghouse, Presidential and eventually a Rhodes Scholar.
8. Aspire to be a brain surgeon.
9. Marry an Asian-American doctor and have perfect, successful children (grandkids for ah-ma and ah-ba!).
10. Love to hear stories about your parents’ childhood … especially the one about walking 20 miles to school without shoes.
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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. “This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”
“What’s the curse?” the man asked.
“Mr. Klopman.”
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pic of the day: Rafting on River
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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.
Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”
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Priceless Tech Support Call:
Customer: ‘I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; Can you help?’
Operator: ‘Where did you get that number, sir?’
Customer: ‘It’s on the door of your business.’
Operator: ‘ Sir, those are the hours that we are open.’
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
I was throwing knives at my wife’s photo while she was out of town. But I’m a lousy shot and none of the knives hit its target.
Then my wife called up. She said, “Honey, what are you doing?”
I replied truthfully, “Missing you.”
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A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde’s attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Boss, to four of his employees: ”I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”
Black Employee: ”I’m a protected minority.”
Female Employee: ”And I’m a woman.”
Oldest Employee: ”Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”
…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: ”I think I might be gay…”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: About the ELEPHANT
~ Elephant is right now the biggest animal that lives on land.
~ Elephants live in groups known as herds and a single herd usually consists of ten female elephants and their young ones.
~ They walk very quietly behind each other and that too in a single line when they travel.
~ They are big yet they are very excellent swimmers. Elephants are water lovers.
~ Elephants can make very low frequency sounds, which are below the human range of hearing.
~ Not like us, elephants sleep standing up and stomp when they walk. Don’t try this at home!
~ It has around 150,000 muscles and nerves, which provide flexibility. They have no bones in the trunks.
~ Elephants can take up to 18 quarts of water into their trunks at one time.
~ Elephants often rest by raising one foot and crossing it behind another.
~ Elephants are known to have a very sharp memory. (Thus the saying, “An elephant never forgets.”)
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LIFE LESSON: Hope is itself a species of happiness, and perhaps, the chief happiness which this world affords. – Samuel Johnson
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: If you don’t accept responsibility for your own actions, then you are forever chained to a position of defense. – Holly Lisle, Fire In The Mist, 1992
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