Jokes and Trivia for October 12, 2011

Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things. – Peter Drucker

FOR TODAY – OCTOBER 12th – WEDNESDAY

285th day of 2011 with 80 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Cookbook Launch Day

*Old Farmer’s Day

*Moment of Frustration Day

*National Gumbo Day

* Freethought Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1710 Jonathan Trumbull, Lebanon, Conneticut, politician and statesman (served as governor in both a pre-Revolutionary colony and a post-Revolutionary state.)
1792 Christian Gmelin, Tübingen, Germany, chemist, he was one of the first to devise a process for the artificial manufacture of ultramarine
1860 Elmer Sperry, Cincinnatus, New York, inventor, most famous as co-inventor (with Herman Anschütz-Kaempfe) of the gyrocompass
1865 Arthur Harden,Manchester, England, English chemist, known for the chemistry of the yeast cell
1904 Lester Dent, La Plata, Missouri, writer, best known as the main author of the series of stories about the superhuman scientist and adventurer, Doc Savage
1921 Art Clokey, Detroit, Michigan, American animator (Gumby)
1929 Robert Coles, Boston, Massachusetts , psychologist and author (A Study in Courage and Fear, Volume 1 of Children of Crisis )
1935 Sam Moore, Miami, Florida, R&B singer (Sam & Dave)
1932 Ned Jarrett, Newton, North Carolina, race car driver (1961 & 65 National Grand Champion, one of NASCAR’s 50 Greatest Drivers)
1942 Melvin Franklin, Montgomery, Alabama, singer (bass/The Temptations
1962 Carlos Bernard, Evanston, Illinois,actor (24)
1962 Chris Botti, Portland, Oregon, jazz musician ( album: Italia 2007)
1970 Kirk Cameron, Panorama City, Los Angeles, California, actor (Fireproof, Growing Pains, Left Behind)
1979 Jordan Pundik, Englewood, New Jersey, singer (New Found Glory)
1981 Tom Guiry, Trenton, New Jersey, actor (Joint Body)
1992 Josh Hutcherson, Union, Kentucky, actor (Bridge to Terabithia, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant)
2001 Raymond Ochoa, San Diego, California, child actor (10 Items or Less, Merry Christmas, Drake and Josh)

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The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. – Stephen Covey

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1492 Christopher Columbus’s expedition makes landfall in the Caribbean, specifically in The Bahamas. He believes he has reached South Asia.
1692 The Salem Witch Trials are ended by a letter from Massachusetts Governor William Phips.
1773 America’s first insane asylum opens for ‘Persons of Insane and Disordered Minds’ in Virginia.
1792 First celebration of Columbus Day in the USA in New York.
1793 The cornerstone of Old East, the oldest state university building in the United States, is laid on the campus of the University of North Carolina.
1892 The Pledge of Allegiance is first recited by students in many US public schools, as part of a celebration marking the 400th anniversary of Columbus’s voyage.
1901 President Theodore Roosevelt officially renames the “Executive Mansion” to the White House.
1928 An iron lung respirator is used for the first time at Children’s Hospital in Boston.
1933 The United States Army Disciplinary Barracks on Alcatraz Island, is acquired by the United States Department of Justice.
1962 Infamous Columbus Day Storm strikes the U.S. Pacific Northwest with record wind velocities; 46 dead and at least U.S. $230 million in damages.
1979 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the first of five books in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy comedy science fiction series by Douglas Adams is published.
1994 NASA loses radio contact with the Magellan spacecraft as the probe descends into the thick atmosphere of Venus (the spacecraft presumably burned up in the atmosphere either October 13 or October 14).
1999 The Day of Six Billion: The proclaimed 6 billionth living human in the world is born.
2000 The USS Cole is badly damaged in Aden, Yemen, by two suicide bombers, killing 17 crew members and wounding at least 39

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A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, ‘I’d give anything to sink this next putt.’

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, ‘Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?’

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, ‘Okay,’ and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, ‘Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.’

The same stranger moves to his side and says, ‘Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?’

The golfer shrugs and says, ‘Sure.’ He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, ‘Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?’

The golfer says, ‘Certainly!’ He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, ‘You know, I’ve really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.’

‘Nice to meet you,’ says the golfer. ‘My name’s Father O’Malley.’

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One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor… not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin’s arrow.

He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga’s in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago… the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga’s out to dry.

He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place.

After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there.

Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: . . . ‘Beware, the tides of starch.’

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ONE-LINERS : What was the most disappointing about Y2K?

- No cool Nuclear Missiles to dodge

- The world did not end so now I have to go back to work

- My mother-in-law wants to move in now that our underground fortress will be unused

-The Ball on Times Square did not explode causing Dick Clark’s skin to melt off to reveal his alien-reptile face

- With all the bottled water I bought, I could fill my swimming pool. Too bad I already filled my pool with canned string beans.

- I will be eating those canned string beans until Y *3* K.

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Girl: “When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.”

Boy: “It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.”

Girl: “Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.”

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pic of the day: Brookside Geranium Fall Colors

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter’s window. The sign said “WHERE AM I ?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.’ The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”

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A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. ‘That should be obvious,’ he responded, ‘the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.’

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What did the vampire say when he was invited to dinner?

A: “No fangs, I just ate necks door.”

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Q. Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A. Finding half a worm!!

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The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, ‘You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’

‘Why?’ she asks.

‘Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.’

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A white horse walks into a bar, and the barman sees the horse and says: “Hey, we have a whiskey here named after you!”

The horse then says: “What? ‘Eric?’”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Cookbook Info!

~The first basic cookbook written for the housewife was probably Eliza Acton’s “Modern Cookery for Private Families”, published in London in 1845

~The first cookbook published in America was ‘The Compleat Housewife, or Accomplish’d Gentlewoman’s Companion’

~According to another source, the first American cookbook was titled ‘American Cookery, or the Art of Dressing Viands, Fish, Poultry and Vegetables, and the Best Modes of Making Pâtés, Puffs, Pies, Tarts, Puddings, Custards and Preserves and All Kinds of Cakes, from the Imperial Plumb to Plain Cake, Adapted to This Country and All Grades of Life’ By Amelia Simmons: An American Orphan.

~The oldest surviving cookbook in English is ‘The Forme of Cury’

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LIFE LESSON: Human beings by nature want happiness and do not want suffering. With that feeling everyone tries to achieve happiness and tries to get rid of suffering, and everyone has the basic right to do this. In this way, all here are the same, whether rich or poor, educated or uneducated, Easterner or Westerner, believer or non-believer, and within believers whether Buddhist, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, and so on. Basically, from the viewpoint of real human value we are all the same. – Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lam

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. – Mother Theresa

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. – Joan Rivers