Jokes and Trivia for October 14, 2011

FOR TODAY – OCTOBER 14th – FRIDAY

287th day of 2011 with 78 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Be Bald and Free Day

*National Dessert Day – take an extra helping, or two

*National Chocolate-Covered Insects Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1644 William Penn, English founder of Pennsylvania
1801 Joseph Plateau, Brussels, Belgium, Belgian physicist, the first person to demonstrate the illusion of a moving image.
1890 Dwight D. Eisenhower, Denison, Texas, U.S. general and 34th President of the United States
1894 E. E. Cummings, Cambridge, poet (The Enormous Room )
1916 C. Everett Koop, Brooklyn, New York, 13th United States Surgeon General (1981-89)
1939 Ralph Lauren, New York City, New York, fashion designer
1946 Craig Venter, Salt Lake City, Utah, biologist, most famous for his role in being one of the first to sequence the human genome
1948 David Ruprecht, St. Louis, Missouri, game show host, known for his work as host of the Lifetime/PAX game show, Supermarket Sweep
1950 Joey Travolta, Englewood, New Jersey, actor, producer, director and writer, produced the 2006 documentary film about autism, Normal People Scare Me
1959 A.J. Pero, Staten Island, New York, drummer (Twisted Sister)
1965 Karyn White, Los Angeles, singer (“I’d Rather Be Alone”)
1978 Usher, Chattanooga, Tennessee, singer and actor, album (My Way, Versus)
1985 Daniel Clark, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Degrassi: The Next Generation)
1986 Skyler Shaye, Los Angeles, California, actress, best known for her role as Cloe in Bratz: The Movie

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Use what talents you possess, the woods will be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - Henry van Dyke

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1656 Massachusetts enacts the first punitive legislation against the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers). The marriage of church-and-state in Puritanism makes them regard the Quakers as spiritually apostate and politically subversive.
1773 The United Kingdom’s East India Company tea ships’ cargo are burned at Annapolis, Maryland.
1834 In Philadelphia, members of the American Whig Party and American Democrats carry out a brick, stone, and firearm, battle for the control of an election in Moyamensing Township, resulting in one death, several injuries, and the burning down of a block of the town’s buildings.
1863 American Civil War: Battle of Bristoe Station – Confederate troops under the command of General Robert E. Lee fail to drive the American Union Army completely out of the Commonwealth of Virginia.
1884 The American inventor, George Eastman, receives a U.S. Government patent on his new paper-strip photographic film.
1888 Louis Le Prince films first motion picture: Roundhay Garden Scene.
1910 The English aviator Claude Grahame-White lands his Farman Aircraft biplane on Executive Avenue near the White House in Washington, D.C.
1912 While campaigning in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the former President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, is shot and mildly wounded by John Schrank, who was angry with Roosevelt for some reason. With the fresh wound in his chest, and the bullet still within it, Mr. Roosevelt still carries out his scheduled public speech.
1926 The children’s book Winnie-the-Pooh, by A.A. Milne, is first published.
1943 The American Eighth Air Force loses 60 B-17 Flying Fortress heavy bombers in aerial combat during the second mass-daylight air raid on the Schweinfurt ball-bearing factoriesin western Nazi Germany.
1947 Captain Chuck Yeager of the U.S. Air Force flies a Bell X-1 rocket-powered experimental aircraft, the Glamorous Glennis, faster than the speed of sound – over the high desertof Southern California – and becomes the first pilot and the first airplane to do so in level flight.
1968 The first live telecast from any manned spacecraft, the Apollo 7, launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration of the U.S.A.
1968 Jim Hines of the United States of America becomes the first man ever to break the so-called “ten-second barrier” in the 100-meter sprint in the Summer Olympic Games held in Mexico City with a time of 9.95 seconds. Hines remained the only athlete to sprint 100 meters in under 10.0 seconds until the year 1977.

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God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 35 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 35 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 30 years.”

The dog responded, “Lord, to live 30 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years.”

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”

The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 15 years the mule refused, the 20 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 15 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 20 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so…

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Father: Why don’t you get yourself a job?
Son: Why?

Father: So you could earn some money.

Son: Why?

Father: So you could put some money in a bank and earn interest.

Son: Why?

Father: So that when you’re old you can use the money in your bank account …and you would never have to work again.

Son: I’m not working now.

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ONE-LINERS : Why I don’t answer my email

10. The dog chewed through my monitor cable and now I can’t read my e-mail.

9. I type with the two-finger “hunt ‘n peck” system and spend all my time “hunting”.

8. I have a rare disease, “Terminal Procrastination”.

7. You mean my PC can really reply to your Mac?

6. I’m so far behind, I don’t open my e-mail anymore.

5. I spilled hot tomato soup in my keyboard and only the delete key works now.

4. I work for the U.S. Post Office and we find e-mail too threatening.

3. I’m waiting until my “Inbox” has 1,000,000 e-mails.

2. I play computer games 24 hours a day and don’t have time to reply to e-mail.

1. I try, but it says to press any key. My keyboard doesn’t have an “any” key!!!

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There were three men stranded on an island. They had been there for a very long time, when one morning a magic lamp washed up on the shore. The men saw it and picked it up.

The men rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared. After the genie rose up he granted the men one wish each.

The first man thought about his wish and made it count. After thinking, the man finally said, “I wish I was back at home.” Then, poof, he disappeared.

The second man thought about his wish also. Finally, the man said, “I wish I was at home with my family.” Then, poof, he vanished.

The last wish went to the last man on the island. He looked around and felt very lonely. It took a while to think of a good wish and finally an idea came to him.

The third man said, “I wish that my two best friends were back on this island with me.” Poof, the two other men appeared on the island again.

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pic of the day: Tree with yellow fall foliage..

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A Washington think tank has announced a breakthrough in the search for a pattern in the seemingly random US military aggression since World War II. “We think they are spelling out a message”, explains an unnamed spokesperson. “If we take the first letters of Korea, Vietnam, Libya, Iraq, Iran, El Salvador, Grenada, Nicaragua and Somalia, it spells ‘ELVIS _S KING’. We just need to find another ‘I’ country to complete the message.”

Maybe this explains the second attack on Iraq?!

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Bird Tags According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.” The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

~Our Complete List of Silly Puns

~Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

~I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way

~When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”

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Microsoft recently announced that the upcoming release 5.0 of Windows NT will be renamed ”Windows 2000,” which will presumably be abbreviated Win2K in the press. That got me to thinking about a comparison between Win2K and Y2K…

Win2K – Represents large problem for computers, looming in the near future.
Y2K — Ditto.

Win2K – Projected to ship in mid 1999.
Y2K — Projected to start causing problems in mid 1999.

Win2K – Real effects won’t be known until sometime in the year 2000.
Y2K — Ditto.

Win2K – Will cost corporations millions in support, upgrades, and time.
Y2K — Ditto.

Win2K – Will result in a need to upgrade most hardware.
Y2K — Ditto.

Win2K – Entire industry waiting for the product to slip…uh, ship.
Y2K — Entire world waiting for solutions to ship.

Win2K – Many characterize it as being an evil plot created by programmers.
Y2K — ditto.

Win2K – Probably could have been avoided if UNIX had a better U/I.
Y2K — Probably could have been avoided through foresight and planning.

Win2K – Likely to cause more bugs than it cures.
Y2K — Ditto.

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The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.

When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. “Ma,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!”

“Honestly?”

The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: DESSERT

Forget the diet! Complete the list here. Eat and Enjoy!

~Where can you get a Hershey Sundae Pie? – Burger King.

~Who has Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake? – Carl’s Jr.. Very tasty!

~Where would you go if you’re craving Sky High Mud Pie? – Black Angus.

~What pizza place serves both Apple and Cherry Dessert Pizza? – Pizza Hut.

~Which restaurant serves Fruit And Yogurt Parfait? – McDonald’s.

~This very sweet dessert is made from filo pastry and is eaten mostly in Greek restaurants. What is it? – Baklava.

~What is the main flavour in a traditional Tiramisu? – Coffee. This dessert is also called “Tuscan Trifle” and was created in Sienna, Tuscany

~Which dessert is named after a famous ballerina? – Raspberry pavlova . Another meringue dessert, the most famous being raspberry, but any soft fruit can be used, along with whipped cream. It was named after the famed Russian ballerina Anna Pavlova. Both New Zealand and Australia believe they created this amazing dessert.

~Which dessert can be known as Omelette Surprise or Norwegian omelette, but was given it’s (very) North American and much more famous name of today? – Baked Alaska.

~This delicious dessert is made from a custard base with a very brittle crunchy caramel topping. What is it? – Creme brulee.

~Flan (as in the American use of the term) creates what kind of sauce when cooked?
Caramel. The name “flan” is derived from Old French “flaon”, which comes from Latin “flado” meaning “custard”. According to Alan Davidson, “The Oxford Food Companion”, “The same Latin root was used in the Middle English word “flaton”, and “flawn” which later became “flan”.

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LIFE LESSON:

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring. – Oscar Wilde

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Love doesn’t make the world go ’round. It makes the ride worthwhile.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric. - Bertrand Russell