Jokes and Trivia for October 18, 2011

A memory is a beautiful thing, it’s almost a desire that you miss. - Gustave Flaubert

FOR TODAY – OCTOBER 18th – TUESDAY

291st day of 2011 with 74 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* No Beard Day

* National Chocolate Cupcake Day

* Alaska Day (legal holiday in Alaska)

* Persons Day in Canada

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1893 Georges Ohsawa, Japanese founder of Macrobiotics
1902 Pascual Jordan, Hanover, German physicist (quantum mechanics and quantum field theory)
1926 Chuck Berry, St Louis, Missouri, rocker (Roll over Beethoven, Rock and Roll Music)
1927 George C. Scott, Wise, Virginia, actor ( Patton)
1934 Chuck Swindoll, El Campo, Texas, evangelist (Insight for Living)
1939 Mike Ditka, Carnegie, Pennsylvania, football player, coach, and commentator
1944 Katherine Kurtz, Coral Gables, Florida, sci-fi author (Series: Deryni, Adept, Tales of the Knights Templar)
1949 Gary Richrath, Peoria, Illinois, musician (REO Speedwagon)
1951 Terry McMillan, Port Huron, Michigan, author (Waiting to Exhale, How Stella Got Her Groove Back)
1960 Jean-Claude Van Damme, Brussels, Belgium, actor (Bloodsport, Universal Soldier, Kickboxer, No Retreat)
1962 Vincent Spano, Brooklyn, New York, actor ( The Double McGuffin)
1978 Wesley Jonathan, Los Angeles, California, actor (What I Like About You)
1987 Zac Efron, San Luis Obispo, California, actor (High School Musical)
1990 Carly Schroeder, Valparaiso, Indiana, actress ( Lizzie McGuire)

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The great use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it. - William James

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1648 Boston Shoemakers form first U.S. labor organization.
1767 Mason-Dixon line, survey separating Maryland from Pennsylvania is completed
1867 United States takes possession of Alaska after purchasing it from Russia for $7.2 million. Celebrated annually in the state as Alaska Day.
1898 United States takes possession of Puerto Rico.
1922 British Broadcasting Company formed.
1925 The Grand Ole Opry opens in Nashville, Tennessee.
1936 Adolf Hitler announces the Four Year Economic Plan to the German people. The plan details the rebuilding of the German military from 1936 to 1940.
1945 The USSR’s nuclear program receives plans for the United States plutonium bomb from Klaus Fuchs at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.
1955 New atomic subparticle called a negative proton (antiproton) was discovered at U.C. Berkeley.
1964 The 1964-1965 New York World’s Fair closes for its first season after a six-month run.
1967 Soviet probe Venera 4 reaches Venus and becomes the first spacecraft to measure the atmosphere of another planet.
1968 The U.S. Olympic Committee suspends Tommie Smith and John Carlos for giving a “black power” salute during a victory ceremony at the Mexico City games.
1977 German Autumn: a set of events revolving around the kidnapping of Hanns-Martin Schleyer and the hijacking of a Lufthansa flight by the Red Army Faction (RAF) comes to an end when Schleyer is murdered and various RAF members allegedly commit suicide.

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There were these 3 guys on a fishing trip in the ocean. They meet up with a mermaid who jumps up on their ship and grants them each a wish. The first guy is a little suspicious so he says, “Double my IQ. by one more time.” Pow. The guy starts reciting Shakespeare.

The others are amazed and another asks, “Will you please triple mine?” Zowie. Then he starts spitting out answers that have stumped Mathematicians and other people for years.

Then the last guy wants to be really smart so he tells her to make his I.Q. larger by doubling it 7 times. She says,” Gee I don’t know. Cant you wish for like peace or a million dollars or a Porsche ar something else?”

“No. You fixed them up. Why can’t you do me?”

She then says,” O.k. Boom” Then the guy turns into a woman!!!!!!!!!

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Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.

One asks the other how bad the drought.

The other replied, “Well it’s got so bad they’ve closed two lanes at the local swimming pool.”

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ONE-LINERS :Windows Error Messages

The following are just some of the new Windows error messages that are under consideration for the next planned Windows:

1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except… no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. Windows message: ‘Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)’
6. BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.
7. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
8. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
9. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
10. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted.

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Golden Oldie… The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. ‘Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.’

‘Well, how much does a brain cost?’ asked the relatives. ‘For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000.’

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient’s daughter asked, ‘Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?’

‘A standard pricing practice,’ said the head of the team, ‘women’s brains have to be marked down because they are used.’

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pic of the day: Old barn in West Virginia..

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I was working out in the gym the other day when I spotted a sweet young thing. I asked the trainer, “What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?”

The trainer looked me up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.”

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Ya mean like this?

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl. The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.”

The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.”

The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.”

The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look. It’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well. I don’t know. A young girl like that. I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.

~ There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.

~ I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.

~ The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, “Did you get my drift?”

~ I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me ‘son.’ I said, ‘Why do you call me ‘son’? You’re not my father.’ He said, ‘I brought you up, didn’t I?’

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When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.”

Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, “Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!”

“No,” Chuck replied, “I’m just a lousy golfer.”

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How to start the day feeling really good:

* Open a new file on your computer.
* Entitle it “Housework.”
* Place it in the Recycle Bin.
* Empty the Recycle Bin.
* Your computer will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”

Answer “Yes” and click the left mouse button firmly.

Now you feel much better.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Chocolatey Facts!

~The botanical name of the chocolate plant is ‘Theobroma Cacao’, which means ‘FOOD OF THE GODS’

~The word ‘Chocolate’ comes from the Aztec word “xocolatl”, which means “bitter water”.

~Champagne and sparkling wines do not pair well with milk or dark chocolate. Try white chocolate with champagne and dark chocolate with red wines.

~British people are second only to the Swiss when it comes to chocolate consumption. The average Brit eats 8.6kg of chocolate per year.

~Heartbreak and loneliness are great excuses for chocolate overindulgence.

~Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s movie, “Psycho” which actually took 7 days to shoot.

~Chocolate is poisonous to dogs, cats and other domestic pets. The ingredient theobramine over stimulates their cardiac and nervous systems, and can cause death.

~The largest ever chocolate bar ever manufactured weighed 5,026lbs and was exhibited by Elah-Dufour United Food Companies at Eurochocolate in Turin, Italy in March 2000.

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LIFE LESSON: Happiness comes when your work and words are of benefit to yourself and others. – Buddha

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I cannot make you feel special. I can only remind you that you are special.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Part of the reason [motherly advice] bugs us as daughters is because our mothers are so powerful in our lives. They loom like giants. The reason mothers keep at it is because they’re so powerless. They cannot get you to do what is so obvious to them you should do. – Deborah Tannen