Jokes and Trivia for October 21, 2011

It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. - Henry David Thoreau

FOR TODAY – OCTOBER 21st – FRIDAY

294th day of 2011 with 71 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Babbling Day

*Count Your Buttons Day

*National Pumpkin Cheesecake Day

*Caramel Apple Day

*Reptile Awareness Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1660 Georg Ernst Stahl, Ansbach, German scientist, known for phlogiston theory fermentation
1772 Samuel Taylor Coleridge, England, poet (Rime of Ancient Mariner)
1833 Alfred Nobel, Stockholm, Sweden, inventor and founder of the Nobel Prize (inventor of dynamite)
1845 Will Carleton, Lenawee County, Hudson, Michigan, poet (The Little Black-Eyed Rebel, A Thousand Thoughts with Index of Subjects )
1877 Oswald (Theodore) Avery, Candian born American bacteriologist (research on pneumococcus bacteria made him one of the founders of immunochemistry, and laid the groundwork for modern genetics and molecular biology)
1914 Martin Gardner, Tulsa, Oklahoma, mathematician and writer (wrote the Mathematical Games column in Scientific American)
1914 Samuel W. Alderson, California, physicist and engineer (invented the crash-test dummy)
1917 Dizzy Gillespie, [John B], Cheraw, South Carolina, jazz trumpeter, a creator of modern jazz
1929 Ursula K[roeber] Le Guin, Berkeley, California, author (The Lathe of Heaven, Tombs of Atuan, Earthsea fantasy novels, Hainish cycle sci-fi books )
1950 Ronald E(rwin) McNair, Lake City, South Carolina, physicist and astronaut (died in Space Shuttle Challenger disaster)
1952 Patti Davis, Los Angeles, California, actress and novelist, daughter of Ronald Reagan (Rituals)
1953 Charlotte Caffey, Santa Monica, California, musician (The Go-Go’s)
1956 Carrie Fisher, Beverly Hills, California, actress (Princess Leia-Star Wars), writer (Postcards from the Edge)
1957 Wolfgang Ketterle, Heidelberg, Baden-Württemberg, physicist (Nobel / Bose-Einstein condensates)
1982 Matt Dallas, Phoenix, Arizona, actor (Kyle XY)
1982 Tim Wildsmith, Atlanta, Georgia, musician (Come Out Clean)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. – Dalai Lama

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1774 First display of the word “Liberty” on a flag, raised by colonists in Taunton, Massachusetts in defiance of British rule in Colonial America.
1797 In Boston Harbor, the 44-gun United States Navy frigate USS Constitution is launched.
1861 American Civil War: Battle of Ball’s Bluff – Union forces under Colonel Edward Baker are defeated by Confederate troops in the second major battle of the war. Baker, a close friend of Abraham Lincoln, is killed in the fighting.
1879 Thomas Edison invented a workable electric light at his laboratory in Menlo Park, N.J.
1902 In the United States, a five month strike by United Mine Workers ends.
1959 In New York City, the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, opens to the public.
1959 President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs an executive order transferring Wernher von Braun and other German scientists from the United States Army to NASA.
1973 John Paul Getty III’s ear is cut off by his kidnappers and sent to a newspaper in Rome; it doesn’t arrive until November 8.
1973 Fred Dryer of the then Los Angeles Rams becomes the first player in NFL history to score two safeties in the same game.
1979 Moshe Dayan resigns from the Israeli government because of strong disagreements with Prime Minister Menachem Begin over policy towards the Arabs.
1983 The metre is defined at the seventeenth General Conference on Weights and Measures as the distance light travels in a vacuum in 1/299,792,458 of a second.
1986 In Lebanon, pro-Iranian kidnappers claim to have abducted American writer Edward Tracy (he is released in August 1991).
2003 Images of the dwarf planet Eris are taken and subsequently used in its discovery by the team of Michael E. Brown, Chad Trujillo, and David L. Rabinowitz.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.

“They should not put up such misleading notices,” said Joe.

“It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Last summer, my husband, Bill, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bill tried the usual tactics to determine direction – moss on the trees (there was no moss), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day). Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. Bill pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp.

“That was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?”

“Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS :

~If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

~It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

~It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

~A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

~Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

~Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: 3 Crosses on a hillside in West Virginia

.. ~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

In a hat shop a saleslady gushed: “That’s the hat for you! It makes you look ten years younger.”

“Then I don’t want it,” retorted the customer. “I certainly can’t afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

“Doc,” the frustrated commuter complained, “I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode.”

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

“What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?”

“No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.”

“Tell me! What is it?”

“You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, “Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?”

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and agitated pig. “What the heck are you planning to do with that?” he asks.

“I’m carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub.”

“Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?”

“Well, you see, it’s my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of petrol has shot up again…she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again … she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too. Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I’ll wait for her to come running to me screaming ‘THERE’S A PIG IN THE BATHTUB! THERE’S A PIG IN BATHTUB!’”

And I’ll just turn to her and say, “Yeah, I know!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Both sides of our family turned out for my wife’s college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diploma’s, he requested, “Will all the ‘cum laudes’ please stand up?”

My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, “Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: PUMPKINS

~A pumpkin is really a squash? It is! It’s a member of the Cucurbita family which includes squash and cucumbers.

~Six of the seven continents can grow pumpkins including Alaska! Antarctica is the only continent that they won’t grow in.

~More than one place claims the title to ‘Pumpkin Capital’, such as Floydada, Texas, and Morton, Illinois. The latter is also the home of the Libby corporation’s pumpkin industry.

~Irish brought this tradition of pumpkin carving to America. The tradition originally started with the carving of turnips. When the Irish immigrated to the U.S., they found pumpkins a plenty and they were much easier to carve for their ancient holiday.

~The largest pumpkin pie ever made was over five feet in diameter and weighed over 350 pounds. It used 80 pounds of cooked pumpkin, 36 pounds of sugar, 12 dozen eggs and took six hours to bake.

~Pumpkins were once suggested for removing freckles and curing snake bites.

~Native Americans called pumpkins “isqoutm squash.” They used its seeds as food and medicine.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

LIFE LESSON: In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. – Robert Frost

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: Idle hands are the devil’s playground. – Ray

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers. – M. Scott Peck