Jokes and Trivia for November 7, 2011

The happiness that is genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live. – Bertrand Russell

FOR TODAY – NOVEMBER 7th – MONDAY

311th day of 2011 with 54 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1867 Maria Sklodowska-Curie, Warsaw, Russian held parts of Poland, Polish chemist and physicist, Famous for her pioneering research on radioactivity1915 – Philip Morrison, American scientist (d. 2005)
1940 Dakin Matthews, Oakland, California, U.S., American actor (Down Home, Soul Man, The Jeff Foxworthy Show)
1957 Christopher Knight, New York City, New York, U.S., American actor (The Brady Bunch )
1960 Tommy Thayer, Portland, Oregon, US, American guitarist (Kiss)
1968 Greg Tribbett, Peoria, Illinois, U.S., American musician (Mudvayne)
1969 Michelle Clunie, Portland, Oregon, U.S., American actress (Queer as Folk, Make It or Break It )
1971 Matthew Ryan, Exton, Pennsylvania, American musician
1972 Christopher Daniel Barnes, Portland, Maine, American actor (Spider-Man: The Animated Series, The Brady Bunch Movie , A Very Brady Sequel )
1979 Jon Peter Lewis, Lincoln, Nebraska, American singer, finalists on the third season of the reality/talent-search television series American Idol

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It takes a village to raise a child. – African proverb

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1775 John Murray, the Royal Governor of the Colony of Virginia, starts the first mass emancipation of slaves in North America by issuing Lord Dunmore’s Offer of Emancipation, which offers freedom to slaves who abandoned their colonial masters in order to fight with Murray and the British.
1786 The oldest musical organization in the United States is founded as the Stoughton Musical Society.

1811 Tecumseh’s War: The Battle of Tippecanoe is fought near present-day Battle Ground, Indiana, United States. 1837 – In Alton, Illinois, abolitionist printer Elijah P. Lovejoy is shot dead by a mob while attempting to protect his printing shop from being destroyed a third time.
1872 The ship Mary Celeste sails from New York, eventually to be found deserted
1874 A cartoon by Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly, is considered the first important use of an elephant as a symbol for the United States Republican Party.
1910 The first air freight shipment (from Dayton, Ohio, to Columbus, Ohio) is undertaken by the Wright Brothers and department store owner Max Moorehouse.
1912 The Deutsche Opernhaus (now Deutsche Oper Berlin) opens in the Berlin neighborhood of Charlottenburg, with a production of Beethoven’s Fidelio.
1914 The first issue of The New Republic magazine is published.
1916 Jeannette Rankin is the first woman elected to the United States Congress.
1919 The first Palmer Raid is conducted on the second anniversary of the Russian Revolution. Over 10,000 suspected communists and anarchists are arrested in twenty-three different U.S. cities.
1929 In New York City, the Museum of Modern Art opens to the public.
1933 Fiorello H. La Guardia is elected the 99th mayor of New York City.
1940 In Tacoma, Washington, the original Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapses in a windstorm, a mere four months after the bridge’s completion.
1944 Franklin D. Roosevelt elected for a record fourth term as President of the United States of America.
1956 Suez Crisis: The United Nations General Assembly adopts a resolution calling for the
1967 US President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Public Broadcasting Act of 1967, establishing the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
1973 The U.S. Congress overrides President Richard M. Nixon’s veto of the War Powers Resolution, which limits presidential power to wage war without congressional approval.
1983 1983 United States Senate bombing: a bomb explodes inside the United States Capitol. No people are harmed, but an estimated $250,000 in damage is caused.
1989 David Dinkins becomes the first African American mayor of New York City.
1991 Magic Johnson announces that he is infected with HIV and retires from the NBA.
2002 Iran bans advertising of United States products.

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

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For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, “Good trade.”

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ONE-LINERS : I want to be a bear……

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

If you’re a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you’re a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup…… I want to be a bear!

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The test I gave my math class covered everything we’d studied all year — fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question “What portion of a foot is six inches?”

One student answered, “The toes?”

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A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars’ 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. “Grandma,” he asked, “it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Lars’ eyes and said, “Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.”

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Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, “Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me.”

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.

The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.

So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.

He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, “And now for one heck of a putt…”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

– An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

– Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

– Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,”I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

– I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

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Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the “silent treatment.” But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the ‘war’), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00am.”

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It’s 5:00 am. Wake up.”

Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer’s hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, “You know, I think you’re the first reindeer I’ve ever seen in here.”

The reindeer looked hard at the hoof-full of change and said, “Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I’m the last reindeer you’ll see in here.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ALMONDS

~Craving crunchy? Eat almonds! Almonds have the most crunch of any tree nut.

~Put a handful of almonds in your morning smoothie for a more satisfying breakfast.

~Looking for a food that is jam packed with anti-oxidant? Almonds are one of the best sources of the antioxidant vitamin E. One ounce of almonds gives you more than a third of the Daily Value.

~Afraid that your almonds can have molds if stay for a long time in the fridge? Well, worry no more! Whole natural almonds will keep well for up to two years in the fridge. Their long storage life is due in part to vitamin E which helps keep them fresh.

~For ancient Romans, they showered almonds to newlyweds as a fertility charm.

~Use ground almonds as the “breading” for fish or chicken. It will really taste good!

~In India “brainfood” for children is the almonds.

~The main fat in almonds is heart-healthy monounsaturated fat.

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LIFE LESSON: The happiness that is genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live. – Bertrand Russell

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his moccasins.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: How do you define God? Like this. A God I could understand, at least potentially, was infinitely more interesting and relevant than one that defied comprehension. – Robert J. Sawyer, “Calculating God”, 2000