Jokes and Trivia for November 11, 2011

November 11, 2011

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. – Confucius

FOR TODAY – NOVEMBER 11th – FRIDAY

315th day of 2010 with 50 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Veteran’s Day (U.S.) – marks the World War I cease-fire in 1918. The U.S. Congress changed the name from Armistice Day to Veterans Day in 1954 to honor and celebrate all veterans who have served during peace or wartime

* Remembrance Day (Canada) – honors veterans who have died in service to their country

* National Sundae Day

* Bonza Bottler Day (check out the trivia!)

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1836 Thomas Bailey Aldrich, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, poet and novelist (The Story of a Bad Boy, An Old Town by the Sea)
  • 1864 Alfred Hermann Fried, Vienna, Austria-Hungary, pacifist, recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize (Die zweite Haager Konferenz: Ihre Arbeiten, ihre Ergebnisse, und ihre Bedeutung. Leipzig, Nachfolger)
  • 1899 Pat O’Brien, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, film actor (Ragtime, Honor Among Lovers )
  • 1901 F. Van Wyck Mason, Boston, MA, author (Armored Giants, Guns for Rebellion )
  • 1914 Howard Fast, New York City, author (The Last Frontier, Spartacus, April Morning)
  • 1915 William Proxmire, Lake Forest, Illinois, (Sen-D-WI, 1957-88) (originated the Golden Fleece Awards)
  • 1922 Kurt Vonnegut Jr, Indianpolis, Indiana, author (Slaughterhouse Five, Sirens of Titan)
  • 1929 LaVern Baker, Chicago, Illinois, singer (“Batman To the Rescue”)
  • 1930 Hugh Everett, Washington, D.C., physicist (first proposed the many-worlds interpretation (MWI) of quantum physics, which he called his “relative state” formulation)
  • 1941 Jesse Colin Young, Queens, New York City, singer and songwriter (The Youngbloods)
  • 1950 Jim Peterik, Berwyn, Illinois, musician and songwriter (Survivor)
  • 1953 Marshall Crenshaw, Detroit, Michigan, musician (album 09: Jaggedland)
  • 1960 Peter Parros, Brooklyn, New York ,actor (As the World Turns )
  • 1960 Stanley Tucci, Peekskill, New York, actor and director (The Lovely Bones)
  • 1962 Demi Moore, Roswell, New Mexico, actress (Ghost, A Few Good Men , Indecent Proposal , Disclosure, Charlie’s Angels)
  • 1964 Calista Flockhart, Freeport, Illinois, actress (Ally McBeal )
  • 1969 Kristen Wilson, Chelmsford, Massachusetts, actress (Soccer Mom )
  • 1972 Tyler Christopher, Joliet, Illinois, actor (General Hospital )
  • 1973 Jason White, North Little Rock, Arkansas, musician (Green Day)
  • 1974 Leonardo DiCaprio, Los Angeles, California, actor (The Aviator, Titanic )
  • 1991 Christa B. Allen, Wildomar, California, actress (13 Going on 30 )
  • 1992 Trey Smith, Wynnefield, West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (The Karate Kid, I Am Legend )

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If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the few who are rich. – John F. Kennedy

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1864 American Civil War: Sherman’s March to the Sea – Union General William Tecumseh Sherman begins burning Atlanta, Georgia to the ground in preparation for his march south.
  • 1865 Treaty of Sinchula is signed by which Bhutan cedes the areas east of the Teesta River to the British East India Company.
  • 1889 Washington is admitted as the 42nd U.S. state.
  • 1911 Many cities in the Midwestern United States break their record highs and lows on the same day as a strong cold front rolls through.
  • 1926 U.S. Route 66 is established.
  • 1940 Armistice Day Blizzard: An unexpected blizzard kills 144 in the U.S. Midwest.
  • 1966 NASA launches Gemini 12.
  • 1999 The House of Lords Act is given Royal Assent, restricting membership of the British House of Lords by virtue of a hereditary peerage.
  • 2000 In Kaprun, Austria, 155 skiers and snowboarders die when a cable car catches fire in an alpine tunnel.
  • 2001 Journalists Pierre Billaud, Johanne Sutton and Volker Handloik are killed in Afghanistan during an attack on the convoy they are traveling in.
  • 2004 New Zealand Tomb of the Unknown Warrior is dedicated at the National War Memorial, Wellington.
  • 2004 The Palestine Liberation Organization confirms the death of Yasser Arafat from unidentified causes. Mahmoud Abbas is elected chairman of the PLO minutes later.
  • 2006 Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II unveils the New Zealand War Memorial in London, United Kingdom, commemorating the loss of soldiers from the New Zealand Army and the British Army.
  • 2008 The RMS Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) sets sail on her final voyage to Dubai.

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Stan and John are walking to school one day and Stan is describing his new Playstation 2 to John. “Where did you get that?” John asked “I got it last night for Hanukkah,” said Stan. “What’s Hanukkah?” John asked.

“It’s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights.”

“Wow, I wish we got that!” John exclaimed. The next day on the way to school John runs up to Stan, curious to see what he got. He sees that Stan is upset, “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?” asks John.

Stan holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper, “It was leftovers night.”

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Bill, Jim & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, “Let’s break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way.”

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “I left the room key in the car!!!

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ONE-LINERS : 7 actual titles of actual books

“Manhole Covers of Los Angeles,” by Robert and Mimi Melnick (1974)

“Eat Your House: Art Eco Guide to Self-Sufficiency” by Frederic Hobbs (1981)

“Proceedings of the Second Inter-national Workshop on Nude Mice,” University of Tokyo (1978)

“Teach Yourself Alcoholism,” by Meier Glatt (1975)

“Grow Your Own Hair,” by Ron MacLaren (1947)

“Three Weeks in Wet Sheets” (1856)

“The Art and Science of Dumpster Diving” (1997)

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From a Southwest Airlines employee… “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.

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pic of the day: Tomb of the Unknown Soldier…

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It’s 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m not wearing underwear.” With that she strips naked from the waste down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES! I WIN!”

With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”

The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought you were watching the dice!”

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Goofy 9-1-1 calls from the new book “What’s the Number for 9-1-1?: America’s Wackiest 9-1-1 Calls” by Leland H. Gregory III (Andrews McMeel Publishing):

Caller: “These bee-droppings are ruining my roof!”

A woman dialed 9-1-1 in the middle of a rainstorm to ask if police could give her a ride to avoid getting her new hairdo wet.

Caller: “Please connect me to Switzerland.”

Paramedics, responding to an “abdominal evisceration,” arrived at the caller’s residence to find a 13-year-old boy lying on a bed. They quickly examined the boy but could find nothing wrong with him. When they asked why he had called 9-1-1, the boy told them he had “stuff” coming out of his navel. Further investigation revealed the “stuff” to be belly-button lint.

9-1-1 Dispatcher: “Fire or emergency?”
Caller: “Neither. My son was bothering me. I just wanted to let you know.”

Caller: “Can you tell me when the next earthquake is?”

Velma Ann Wantlin of Houma, La., called 9-1-1 to report that her husband was preventing her from watching “Knots Landing.”

9-1-1 Dispatcher: “9-1-1. Please state your emergency.” Caller: “Yeah, am I talking to a real operator or is this a recording?” Dispatcher: “This is a real operator. Please state your emergency.” Caller: “Are you sure you’re a real person? You sort of sound like a recording.”
Dispatcher (irritated): “I’m a real person, sir!”
Caller: “OK. Now you sound like a real operator.”

9-1-1 Dispatcher: “Are you conscious?”
Caller: “No.”

A man in La Vergne, Tenn., called 9-1-1 to report that his wife was pouring all his beer down the drain.

Caller: “My phone doesn’t work.”

9-1-1 Dispatcher: “Fire and ambulance.”
Caller: “Yes sir, I need an ambulance for my son. He has his finger stuck in a Hot Wheels car.”
Dispatcher: “I’m sorry, sir. Is this an emergency?”
Caller: “Well, it’s his favorite one!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Why did the ox fall down the hill?
It was an oxident.

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How do you know when there’s a elephant under your bed?
Your nose is pressed against the ceiling.

—-

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?”

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** Exercising Tips**

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where in the world she is.

2) The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

5) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

7) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

8) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

9) And last but not least: I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

10) You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

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At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian. He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.

He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, “Looks like the end of an era!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Bonza Bottler Day

~Bonza Bottler Day was created and founded by Elaine Fremont prior to her passing away in 1995. After her death, her sister Gail Berger has been the administrator and promoter of Bonza Bottler Day. It is her desire that her sister’s passion for having “good clean fun” live on through Bonza Bottler Day.

~Elaine intended the day to be a day where a group of individuals could have the liberty to express themselves in whatever way they wanted to celebrate it.

~There are no rules, no themes, no typical Bonza Bottler Day ideals unless you so desire for your party.

~ Bonza Bottler Day can be celebrated by bringing happiness to other people!

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LIFE LESSON: Happiness is not in the mere possession of money; it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort. – Franklin D. Rooseve

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QUIP OF THE DAY: It’s time to start living the life you’ve imagined. – James, Henry

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: The most I can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. I have no wealth to bestow on him. If he knows that I am happy in loving him, he will want no other reward. Is not friendship divine in this? – Henry David Thoreau

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