Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness.- Sophocles
FOR TODAY – NOVEMBER 14th – MONDAY
318th day of 2011 with 47 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*Operating Room Nurse Day
*National Guacamole Day
*National Pickle Day
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
- 1765 Robert Fulton, Little Britain, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, American inventor, widely credited with developing the first commercially successful steamboat
- 1863 Leo Hendrik Baekeland, Sint-Martens-Latem, Belgium, Flemish-American chemist and inventor of the first synthetic plastic, Bakelite (d. 1944)
- 1919 Veronica Lake, Brooklyn, New York, U.S., American actress (Sullivan’s Travels)
- 1936 Cornell Gunter, Coffeyville, Kansas, American singer (The Coasters)
- 1949 James Young, Chicago, Illinois, American guitarist (Styx)
- 1949 Gary Grubbs, Amory, Mississippi, U.S., American actor (JFK )
- 1951 Alec John Such, Yonkers, New York, American musician (Bon Jovi)
- 1951 Stephen Bishop, San Diego, California, American musician
- 1957 Michael J Fitzgerald, Portland, Oregon (United States), American writer, best known for his technical books
- 1970 Brendan Benson, Royal Oak, Michigan, United States, American musician (The Raconteurs)
- 1975 Faye Tozer, Northampton, England, British musician (Steps)
- 1981 Vanessa Bayer, Cleveland, Ohio, U.S., American comedian (Saturday Night Live )
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Determine the thing that can and shall be done, and then we shall find the way. – Abraham Lincoln
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
- 1770 James Bruce discovers what he believes to be the source of the Nile
- 1862 American Civil War: President Abraham Lincoln approves General Ambrose Burnside’s plan to capture the Confederate capital at Richmond, Virginia, leading to the Battle of Fredericksburg.
- 1889 Pioneering female journalist Nellie Bly (aka Elizabeth Cochrane) begins a successful attempt to travel around the world in less than 80 days. She completes the trip in seventy-two days.
- 1952 The first regular UK singles chart published by the New Musical Express.
- 1957 The Apalachin Meeting outside Binghamton, New York is raided by law enforcement, and many high level Mafia figures are arrested.
- 1965 Vietnam War: The Battle of the Ia Drang begins – the first major engagement between regular American and North Vietnamese forces.
- 1969 Apollo program: NASA launches Apollo 12, the second manned mission to the surface of the Moon.
- 1973 In the United Kingdom, Princess Anne marries Captain Mark Phillips, in Westminster Abbey.
- 1975 Spain abandons Western Sahara.
- 1982 Lech Wałęsa, the leader of Poland’s outlawed Solidarity movement, is released after eleven months of internment near the Soviet border.
- 1990 After German reunification, the Federal Republic of Germany and the Republic of Poland sign a treaty confirming the Oder-Neisse line as the border between Germany and Poland.
- 1991 American and British authorities announce indictments against two Libyan intelligence
- 1991 In Royal Oak, Michigan, a fired United States Postal Service employee goes on a shooting rampage, killing four and wounding five before committing suicide.
- 2007 The last direct-current electrical distribution system in the United States is shut down in New York City by Con Edison.
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St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”
Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”
St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God’s first name?”
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St. Peter.
“How many seconds in a year?”
“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . …”
“Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this,and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind either….but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?
“Sure”, Forrest replied, “its Andy.”
“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”
“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song. ‘Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me I am his own…’”
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”
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At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
“I certainly do,” he replied. “Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104.”
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ONE-LINERS : Terms to Know
FOREIGN FILM — any movie shown in Texas theater that isn’t a western.
OPTIMIST — girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
MAGAZINE — bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.
COLLEGE — The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS — Police station, fire department and places that deliver.
OPERA — When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
BUFFET — A French word that means “Get up and get it yourself.”
BABY-SITTER — A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.
TATTOO — Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
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It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.
Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.
After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. “Wait!” I called. “We have to go inside and find out where you live.”
“I live right there,” he said, pointing to a house across the street. “I just always wanted to ride in a school bus.”
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pic of the day: Moon and tree during day…
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One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.
The first cow said, “I’m telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I’ve heard it’s spreading so fast that it’s already on Farmer Rubin’s land just down the road!”
The second cow replied, “So what? It doesn’t affect us chickens!”
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A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.
“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.” the caller said.
“Are you light-headed?” my colleague asked.
“No,” the caller answered, “I’m a brunette.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Earlier this year Winston lost his ear. Luck would have it that it was replaced, with a pigs ear, by doctors. They cut it to size and made it look more human before sewing it, invisibly, in place.
Several weeks passed before Winston felt it necessary to return to his surgeons.
When he did, Winston complained bitterly, “Doctor, I keep hearing this noise and its doing my head in.”
The doctor, totally unconcerned answered, “Don’t worry, its just a bit of crackling.”
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
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There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”
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A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, “That’s one.” The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two!” He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s three,” removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, “That’s terrible, why would you do such a thing!”
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, “That’s one!”
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: GUACAMOLE
~is an avocado-based dip that originated in Mexico
~ It’s a big NO, NO! Cutting your avocado into small cubes before smashing will help keep the guacamole from turning brown.
~In 2006, Los Angeles resident Brenda Lifsey sued Kraft foods for fraud, claiming their avocado dip did not qualify as guacamole.
~The word “avocado” come from the Spanish “avo gato,” which literally translates as “winged cat.”
~Many scholars believe that Jesus served guacamole at the last supper, though instead of dipping chips, he and his disciples used communion wafers.
~ Guacamole has over 10,000 friends on its Myspace page, but most of them are bands. This goes to show that Myspace is not only for humans, it’s for foods too!
~The Alanis Morisette song “You Oughta Know” is actually about guacamole.
~ Did you know that the Apollo 11 astronauts brought guacamole to space with them!? However, they did not eat it, since, according to Command Module Pilot Michael Collins, “that pig Buzz Aldrin ate all the chips before we even left earth.”
~Futurologists predict that by the year 2030, guacamole will be served at all meals, and also that the world will be ruled by winged cats.
~Guacamole is Aztec for “Avocado Sauce”, the original recipe calling for crushed avocado, tomatoes and salt.
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LIFE LESSON: There is no such thing as a “self-made” man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success. – George Matthew Adam
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: It isn’t the things that happen to us in our lives that cause us to suffer, it’s how we relate to the things that happen to us that causes us to suffer. – Pema Chodron
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