Jokes and Trivia for November 16, 2011

To me a lush carpet of pine needles or spongy grass is more welcome than the most luxurious Persian rug. – Helen Keller

FOR TODAY – NOVEMBER 16th – WEDNESDAY

320th day of 2011 with 45 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Button Day

* Have a Party With Your Bear Day

* National Fast Food Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1841 Jules Violle, Langres, French physicist (solar constant luminous intensity, Fulcanelli)
1881 Joel H. Hildebrand, Camden, New Jersey, educator and chemist (The Hildebrand solubility parameter )
1907 Burgess Meredith, Cleveland Ohio, actor (Mr Novak, Penguin-Batman, Rocky)
1916 Daws Butler, Toledo Ohio, cartoon voice (Elroy Jetson, Yogi Bear, Huckleberry Finn)
1922 Gene Amdahl, Flandreau, South Dakota, computer scientist (Amdahl’s law, a fundamental theory of parallel computing)
1950 Carl J Meade, Illinois, Major USAF/astronaut (STS 38, sk:STS-50, 64), Lockheed
1950 David Leisure, San Diego, California, actor (Empty Nest)
1952 Robin McKinley, Warren, Ohio, author (The Hero and the Crown, The Blue Sword)
1954 Andrea Barrett, Boston, Massachusetts, author (The Air We Breathe)
1954 Bruce Edwards, golf caddy (for Tom Watson, died of Lou Gehrig’s disease in 2004)
1956 Terry Labonte, Corpus Christi TX, NASCAR driver (named one of NASCAR’s 50 greatest drivers)
1958 Marg Helgenberger, North Bend, Nebraska, actress (Catherine Willows on CSI, China Beach, Ryan’s Hope)
1967 Lisa Bonet, San Francisco, California, actress (The Cosby Show, A Different World, Angel Heart)
1970 Logan Mader, Montreal, Canada, American guitarist (Machine Head)
1970 Martha Plimpton, New York City, New York, actress (ER, Goonies, Mosquito Coast, Raising Hope)
1981 Allison Crowe, Canadian singer, songwriter, pianist
1981 Caitlin Glass, Washington, D.C, voice actress (Spiral: The Bonds of Reasoning Dragon Ball Z)
1984 Kimberly J. Brown, Lexington, Kentucky, actress (The Guiding Light , Halloweentown)
1995 Noah Gray-Cabey, Chicago, Illinois, actor (My Wife and Kids , Heroes )

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Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice. – Wayne Dyer

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1776 American Revolutionary War: Hessian mercenaries capture Fort Washington from the Patriots.
1821 Missouri trader William Becknell arrives in Santa Fe, New Mexico over a route that became known as the Santa Fe Trail.
1907 Indian Territory and Oklahoma Territory become Oklahoma and are admitted as the 46th U.S. state.
1945 Cold War: Operation Paperclip: The United States Army secretly admits 88 German scientists and engineers to help in the development of rocket technology.
1945 UNESCO is founded.
1959 “Sound of Music” opens on Broadway, starring Mary Martin and Theodore Bikel.
1965 Soviet Union launches the Venera 3 space probe toward Venus, the first spacecraft to reach the surface of another planet.
1973 NASA launches Skylab 4 with a crew of three astronauts from Cape Canaveral, Florida for an 84-day mission.
1973 U.S. President Richard Nixon signs the Trans-Alaska Pipeline Authorization Act into law, authorizing the construction of the Alaska Pipeline.
1977 Close Encounters of the Third Kind opened in theaters.
1988 The Supreme Soviet of the Estonian SSR declares that Estonia is “sovereign” but stops short of declaring independence.
1988 In the first open election in more than a decade, voters in Pakistan elect populist candidate Benazir Bhutto to be Prime Minister of Pakistan.
1989 UNESCO adopts the Seville Statement on Violence at the twenty-fifth session of its General Conference.
1997 After nearly 18 years of incarceration, the People’s Republic of China releases Wei Jingsheng, a pro-democracy dissident, from jail for medical reasons.
2000 Bill Clinton becomes the first U.S. President to visit Vietnam since the end of the Vietnam War.

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Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well, so I tried to explain it as simply as possible: “I can’t get the computer to work.”

“Ah, I see,” he responded, apparently reading from an English-Something dictionary, “You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment.”

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I was sitting at the blackjack table, distressed and wondering what I was even doing there. Just then, I remembered seeing a sign in the casino that read, “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

I pulled out my cell phone and made the call. “Hello?” and the person on the other end answered. “I have a gambling problem.”

“It’s good you called. I want to acknowledge you for taking a step in the right direction. Now, let’s get a bit more specific about your problem.”

“Okay. I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven showing. What do I do?”

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ONE-LINERS : RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

~ A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

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Little Johnny’s next-door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, “Now son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to slap your face when we get back home.”

“I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at the baby’s mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!”

The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, Thank you very much, Little Johnny.”

He then said, “This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good?”

The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replied, “Why, yes…. his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?”

Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a good thing, cause it wouldn’t be good if he needed to wear glasses!”

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pic of the day: Fall on the Farm

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Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room as sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table “Honey,breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, Eating.

Marty asks,” Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Marty asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

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Because my tenth grade math class had difficulty solving an algebra problem, I went to the blackboard to demonstrate
how it was done. The solution required many steps, but finally we arrived at the answer: X = 0.

One of my students complained, “You mean to tell me we did all that work for nothing?”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Have you heard about …

… the elderly population expert? He took leave of his census.

… the elderly accountant? The more her figure grew the more she lost her balance.

… the elderly lawyer? He kept losing his appeal and expanding his briefs.

… the elderly programmer? She lost her memory.

… the elderly rabbi? He grew gray around the temples.

… the fellow who insisted he felt like a young colt? He looked more like an old .45.

… the blonde who performed magic? She extracted mink from old goats and pearls from old crabs.

… the elderly sailor? He got a little dinghy.

… the woman whose hair started turning gray? She thought she’d dye.

… the NBA team composed entirely of senior citizens? They’re called the Indiana Pacemakers.

from “The Gift of Age” (c) 2010 by Richard Lederer
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Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?” The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful.”

“Wrong!,” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, “What is Easter?” The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

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At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit,

“You got the right place.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Time to party with BEARS!

~ Some famous bears are… Winnie the Pooh, Paddington Bear, Yogi Bear & Boo Boo, Care bears, Smokey the Bear, Fozzie Bear (from The Muppet Show), The three Bears (friends of Goldilocks), Gummi bears, Rupert, Corduroy, Little John (from Disney’s Robin Hood cartoon) and the Berenstain Bears.

~ Baloo, from the Jungle Book movie is a Sloth bear.

~ They’re not really Koala Bears. Koalas look like they could belong to the bear family and are often called bears, but they are, in fact, marsupials.

~ In some Asian countries, the bear gall bladder is more valuable than gold!

~ We are talking of bears not birds, but did you know that some species of bears make nests…in trees! Example of the bear that makes nest is the Asiatic bears, sun bears, spectacled bears and even black bears. They bend down tree branches and make sitting areas that look much bird nests. Some bears will sleep in these nests while others will just hide or eat in them.

~ What do bears and farmers have in common? Bears spread seeds and plant things!

~ Bears are native to North America, Europe, Asia and Antarctica. Its common habitat includes mountain, forest, and arctic

~ The name of a male is referred to as a boar or he-bear, for female is referred to as a sow or she-bear. Their offspring is called a cub.

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LIFE LESSON: Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. No man has learned anything rightly, until he knows that every day is Doomsday. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Good fences make good neighbors. – S. Palmer

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Go put your creed into the deed, Nor speak with double tongue. – Ralph Waldo Emerson