Jokes and Trivia for November 22, 2011

Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing. – Wayne Dyer

FOR TODAY – NOVEMBER 22nd – TUESDAY

326th day of 2010 with 39 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cashew Day (some places say Nov. 22, some say Nov. 23)

*Start Your Own Country Day

*Go For A Ride Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1808 Thomas Cook, British travel entrepreneur (travel agency/travel books)
1904 Louis Néel, Lyon, France, physicist (Nobel / pioneering studies of the magnetic properties of solids)
1917 Andrew Fielding London, England, scientist (nerve action potentials)
1921 Rodney Dangerfield, Babylon, New York, comedian (Caddyshack, Back to School)
1926 Arthur Jones, born in Arkansas & raised in Oklahoma, founder of Nautilus, Inc. and MedX, Inc.; inventor (Nautilus exercise machines)
1930 Owen K Garriott, Enid, Oklahoma, former astronaut (60 days Skylab in 1973; 10 days Spacelab-1 in 1983); co-founder of Origin Systems
1932 Robert Vaughn, NYC, actor (Napoleon Solo / Man from UNCLE, I Spy, Superman III)
1941 Terry Stafford, Hollis, Oklahoma, singer and songwriter (Suspicion, Amarillo by Morning)
1943 Billie Jean King, Long Beach, California, tennis pro (Wimbledon 1966, 67, 68, 72, 73, 75)
1947 Valerie Wilson Wesley, Connecticut, author (Tamara Hayle mystery series)
1950 Steven Van Zandt, Winthrop, Massachusetts, musician (best known as a member of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band )
1958 Jamie Lee Curtis, Los Angeles, California, actress (True Lies, Halloween, Freaky Friday)
1961 Mariel Hemingway, Mill Valley, California, actress (Between Truth and Lies, My Suicide)
1967 Mark Ruffalo, Kenosha, Wisconsin, actor (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Zodiac )
1983 Tyler Hilton, Palm Springs, California, singer and actor (Picture Perfect )
1984 Scarlett Johansson, New York City, New York, actress (He’s Just Not That into You , Iron Man 2 )
1985 Austin Brown, Tarzana, California, singer (Centipede )

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Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart, don’t know how to laugh either. – Golda Meir

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1718 British pirate Edward Teach (best known as “Blackbeard”) is killed in battle with a boarding party led by Lieutenant Robert Maynard off coast of NC.
1864 American Civil War: Sherman’s March to the Sea: Confederate General John Bell Hood invades Tennessee in an unsuccessful attempt to draw Union General William T. Sherman from Georgia.
1910 Arthur Knight patented steel shaft golf clubs.
1943 World War II: War in the Pacific – U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Chinese leader Chiang Kai-Shek meet in Cairo, Egypt, to discuss ways to defeat Japan.
1954 The Humane Society of the United States is founded.
1963 In Dallas, Texas, US President John F. Kennedy is killed and Texas Governor John B. Connally is seriously wounded by Lee Harvey Oswald, who is later captured and charged with the murder of police officer J. D. Tippit. That same day, US Vice-President Lyndon B. Johnson is sworn in as the 36th President of the United States.
1969 In American football, the University of Michigan upset Ohio State University, 24-12, in Bo Schembechler’s first season as Michigan’s head coach. The win set off the 10 Year War between Schembechler and Ohio State’s Woody Hayes.
1986 Mike Tyson defeats Trevor Berbick to become youngest Heavyweight champion in boxing history.
1987 Two Chicago television stations are hijacked by an unknown pirate dressed as Max Headroom.
1988 In Palmdale, California, the first prototype B-2 Spirit stealth bomber is revealed.
1990 Margaret Thatcher announces her resignation as British Prime Minister.
1995 Toy Story is released as the first feature-length film created completely using computer-generated imagery.
2008 YouTube hosts the largest ever live broadcast, YouTube Live.

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A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, “Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?”

To which Jack replied, “The holes are numbered!”

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A husband took his wife to the doctor.

“Oh, doctor,” he said, “my wife thinks she’s a chicken.”
The doctor gasped, “That’s terrible. How long has she been like that?

The husband replied, “Three years.”
The doctor was horrified, “Three years! Why didn’t you bring her to me sooner?”

The husband said sheepishly, “Because we needed the eggs.”

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ONE-LINERS : A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am darned unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
6. I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
And finally…
18. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

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Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. “He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”

“Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power-saw this morning,” the neighbor began.

“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson with a smug look, “but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.”

“In that case,” said the neighbor, “you won’t be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?”

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pic of the day: Hackberry tree with yellow fall foliage..

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All About Dogs. . .

1) The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue – Anonymous

2) Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful – Ann Landers

3) If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went – Will Rogers

4) There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face – Ben Williams

5) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself – Josh Billings

6) The average dog is a nicer person than the average person – Andy Rooney

7) We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made – M. Acklam

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate – Sigmund Freud

9) I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult – Rita Rudner

10) A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down – Robert Benchley

11) Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog – Franklin P. Jones

12) If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons – James Thurber

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My niece bought her five-year-old daughter Kayleigh a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside-down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he disappeared again.
My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We have a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took his cage!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What happens when you forget to pay an exorcist?
A: You get re-possessed.

Q: What is the largest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: What does a weight-conscious vampire drink?
A: Blood Light.

Q: Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?
A: It was a stake sandwich.

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A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The kid said, “Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I’d never stand in another line.”

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A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. “Don’t be angry,” the mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.”

A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, “Now she knows.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Get some cash for CASHEW!

~ Think that a cashew is a nut? Actually, a cashew is not a nut. Technically it’s a seed stemming from the bottom of the cashew apple which grows on trees.

~Cashew nuts become popular in North America and Europe not only for their succulent flavor but for health benefits, too.

~ Cashew can be roasted, salted, sugared or covered in chocolate. It is as well often used as a flavorful complement to appetizers, main dishes and deserts.

~Cashew nuts, native to equatorial South America, are actually seeds, found growing on the end of the cashew apple.

~Also known by the botanical name Anacardium occidentale. Cashew is closely related to mangos, pistachios, poison ivy and poison oak. It was first introduced on a worldwide scale by Portuguese explorers in South America in the 16 th century

~Sometimes called “nature’s vitamin pill,”

~Cashew nuts ranks #1 among nut crops in the world with 4.1 billion pounds produced in 2002 ,

~ The cashew tree’s leaves and bark as well as the popular cashew apple possess herbal health benefits that include killing bacteria and germs, and reducing fever, blood sugar, blood pressure and body temperature.

~It packs 5 grams of protein per ounce and high levels of the essential minerals iron, magnesium, phosphorus, zinc, copper and manganese

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LIFE LESSON: You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. – Barbara De Angelis

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QUIP OF THE DAY: To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: If better were within, better would come out. – Thomas Fuller