Jokes and Trivia for December 1, 2011

The most beautiful adventures are not those we go to seek. – Robert Louis Stevenson

FOR TODAY – DECEMBER 1st – THURSDAY

335th day of 2011 with 30 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Eat a Red Apple Day

*World Aids Awareness Day

*National Pie Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1761 Marie Tussaud, French creator of wax sculptures (Madame Tussauds)
1886 Rex Stout, Noblesville, Indiana, mystery writer (Nero Wolf)
1913 Mary Martin, Weatherford, Texas, actress (Peter Pan) / singer /Larry Hagman’s mother
1925 Martin Rodbell, Baltimore, Maryland, scientist (discovery of G-proteins)
1929 David Doyle, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (John Bosley-Charlie’s Angels; Match Game; Grandpa Lou Pickeles on Rugrats)
1935 Woody Allen, Brooklyn, New York, film director, actor, and comedian, jazz clarinetist
1939 Lee [Buck] Trevino, Dallas, Texas, PGA golfer (US Open 1968, 71; 1971 Sportsman of the year)
1940 Richard Pryor, Peoria, Illinois, comedian/actor (Lady Sings the Blues, Stir Crazy)
1942 John Crowley, Presque Isle, Maine, author (The Deep, Beasts, Engine Summer, Novelty)
1944 Eric Bloom, New York City, musician (Blue Öyster Cult)
1944 John Densmore, Maine, drummer (The Doors)
1945 Bette Midler, Aiea, Hawaii, singer (Wind Beneath My Wings, Do You Want to Dance?)/actress (Beaches, First Wives Club)
1958 Charlene Tilton, San Diego, California, actress (Dallas )
1962 Joe Quesada, New York City , comic book writer (Ninjak and Solar, Man of the Atom )
1970 Sarah Silverman, Bedford, New Hampshire, actress and comedian (Saturday Night Live, The Sarah Silverman Program )
1971 John Schlimm, St. Marys, Pennsylvania, author (The Seven Stars Cookbook, The Daily Caller)
1977 Brad Delson, Agoura, California, guitarist (Linkin Park)
1978 Mat Kearney, Eugene, Oregon, singer and songwriter (Head or Your Heart, Nothing Left to Lose)
1979 Angelique Bates, California, actress (Nickelodeon sketch-comedy series All That )
1988 Zoe Kravitz, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Brave One, No Reservations )

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Things are only impossible until they’re not. – Jean-Luc Picard, ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1824 U.S. presidential election: Since no candidate had received a majority of the total electoral college votes in the election, the United States House of Representatives is given the task of deciding the winner in accordance with the Twelfth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
1864 In his State of the Union Address President Abraham Lincoln reaffirms the necessity of ending slavery as ordered ten weeks earlier in the Emancipation Proclamation.
1878 First telephone installed in the White House, Washington, DC, by Alexander Graham Bell himself, during President Rutherford B. Hayes administration.
1903 “The Great Train Robbery”, the first Western film, is released.
1913 Ford Motor Company introduces the first moving assembly line.
1913 First U.S. drive-in automobile service station opened at the high traffic intersection of Baum Boulevard and St. Clair Street, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. It was operated by the Gulf Refining Company.
1917 Boys Town founded by Father Edward Flanagan, west of Omaha, Nebraska.
1952 The New York Daily News reports the news of Christine Jorgenson, the first notable case of sexual reassignment surgery.
1955 In Montgomery, Alabama, seamstress Rosa Parks refused to give up her bus seat to a white man and was arrested for violating the city’s racial segregation laws, an incident which lead to the Montgomery Bus Boycott.
1959 Twelve nations signed a treaty for scientific peaceful use of Antarctica.
1969 US government holds its first draft lottery since WWII.
1974 Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 6231, crashes northwest of John F. Kennedy International Airport.
1981 The AIDS virus is officially recognized.
1998 Exxon announces a $73.7 billion deal to buy Mobil, thus creating Exxon-Mobil, the world’s largest company.
2001 Captain Bill Compton brings Trans World Airlines Flight 220, an MD-83, into St. Louis International Airport bringing to an end 76 years of TWA operations following TWA’s purchase by American Airlines.

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A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. “I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum.”

“You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That’s a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?”

“Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”

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A client recently brought her two cats in to my husband’s veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. “They weigh about the same,” I told her.

“That proves it!” she exclaimed. “Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat.”

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ONE-LINERS : Funny Business Signs

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
“LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.”

Doctors office, Rome:
“SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
“CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”

On an Athi River highway: this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.
“TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.”

On a poster at Kencom:
“ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.”

In a City restaurant:
“OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.”

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
“DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.”

In a cemetery:
“PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.”

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
“OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.”

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Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”

Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”

Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”

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pic of the day: Cinderella’s Castle, Disney in Orlando, Florida

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Three mischievous boys skipped school one day and instead went to the zoo one day for an outing.

They decided to visit the elephant cage first, but soon enough, they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing a commotion.

The officer hauled them off to the Security Office for questioning.

The supervisor in charge asked each of them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage.

The first boy innocently said, “Okay, my name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”

The second added, “My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage.”

The third boy was a little more shaken up than his buddies and said,

“Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts.”

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After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.

Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.

The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right hind tire.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Daffynitions:

Amiss: A woman who is not married.

Boy: A noise with dirt on it.

City Life: Thousands of people being lonesome together.

Dandruff: Chips off the old block.

Filing Cabinet: A metal box where you can systematically lose things.

Grandparents: Grandchild’s press secretary.

Honeymoon: Thrill of a wifetime.

Igloo: An icicle built for two.

Juvenile Delinquents: Somebody else’s kids.

Life Insurance: The thing that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

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A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, “I descend into hell!”

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

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Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before. “What do I do if she’s really unattractive?” says Mike. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout ‘Aaaaaauuuggghhh!’ and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

“Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: APPLES

~ People have been enjoying apples since lat least 6500 B.C., according from arcaheologist.

~ 7,500 varieties of apples are grown throughout the world.

~ The apple contains:80 to 85 per cent of water , approximately 5 per cent of protein or nitrogenous material, 10 to 15 per cent of carbonaceous matter, including starch and sugar, 1 to 1.5 per cent of acids and salts.

~ A medium apple is about 80 calories. Apples contain Vitamin C as well as many other antioxidants. Apples are also a good source of fiber.

~ China produces more apples than any other country.

~ About 50% of apples grown in the United States are sold fresh, and 50% are processed into apple juice, apple sauce or dehydrated apple products.

~ Red Delicious, Golden Delicious, Gala apples, Fuji apples, Granny Smith, Rome, Empire, Idared – popular varieties of apples

~ Eat the apple peel! Don’t peel them off! Apples are best eaten with the peel since most of the fiber and antioxidants are found in the apple’s peel.

~ Green Apples – Good for strong bones and teeth, aids in vision, anti cancer properties.

~ Yellow Apples – Good for heart and eyes, immune system, reduce risk of some cancers.

~ Red Apples – Good for heart, Memory function, lower risk of some cancers and to maintain urinary tract health.

~ The apple is the official state fruit of Rhode Island, New York, Washington, and West Virginia.

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LIFE LESSON: For everyone of us that succeeds, it’s because there’s somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn’t always necessarily have to be in your family; for me it was teachers and school. – Oprah Winfrey

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I believe that children are our future. Teach them well, and let them lead the way.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Each of us literally chooses, by his way of attending to things, what sort of universe he shall appear to himself to inhabit. – William James