Jokes and Trivia for December 5, 2011

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. – Bill Cosby

FOR TODAY – DECEMBER 5th – MONDAY

339thday of 2011 with 26 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Bathtub Party Day

*Repeal Day – The 21st Amendment ends Prohibition. I’ll drink to that!

*December 5: National Sacher Torte Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1863 Paul Painlevé, Paris, French mathematician and Prime Minister
1868 Arnold Sommerfeld, Königsberg, Province of Prussia, German physicist, pioneered developments in atomic and quantum physics
1879 Clyde Cessna, Hawthorne, Iowa, airplane manufacturer (founder of the Cessna Aircraft Corporation)
1895 Elbert Frank Cox, American mathematician , became the first black person in the world to receive a Ph.D. in mathematics
1896 Carl Ferdinand Cori, Prague, Austrian-born biochemist, Nobel laureate for their discovery of how glycogen (animal starch) – a derivative of glucose – is broken down and resynthesized in the body, for use as a store and source of energy
1901 Werner Heisenberg, Würzburg, Bavaria, physicist, Nobel laureate , who made foundational contributions to quantum mechanics and is best known for asserting the uncertainty principle of quantum theory
1903 Cecil Frank Powell, Tonbridge, Kent, physicist, Nobel laureate for his development of the photographic method of studying nuclear processes and for the resulting discovery of the pion (pi-meson), a heavy subatomic particle
1932 Sheldon Lee Glashow, New York City, New York, physicist, Known for Electroweak theory & Criticism of Superstring theory
1947 Jim Messina, Maywood, California, musician (Buffalo Springfield, Loggins and Messina)
1965 Johnny Rzeznik, Buffalo, NY, singer, songwriter and guitarist (Goo Goo Dolls)
1979 Nick Stahl, Harlingen, Texas, actor (The Man Without a Face, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
1982 Keri Hilson, Decatur, Georgia, singer (Knock You Down, Turnin Me On)
1989 Gregory Tyree Boyce, California, actor (Twilight )

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The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. - Bertrand Russell

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1484 Pope Innocent VIII issues the Summis desiderantes, a papal bull that deputizes Heinrich Kramer and James Sprenger as inquisitors to root out alleged witchcraft in Germany and leads to one of the most oppressive witch hunts in European history.
1492 Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola, now Haiti and the Dominican Republic.
1775 At Fort Ticonderoga, Henry Knox begins his historic transport of artillery to Cambridge, Massachusetts.
1848 California Gold Rush: In a message before the U.S. Congress, US President James K. Polk confirms that large amounts of gold had been discovered in California.
1876 Brooklyn Theater Fire kills at least 278 people in Brooklyn, NY.
1914 The Italian Parliament proclaims the neutrality of the country.
1933 Prohibition in the United States ends: Utah becomes the 36th U.S. state to ratify the Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution, thus establishing the required 75% of states needed to enact the amendment (this overturned the 18th Amendment which had made the manufacture, sale, or transportation of alcohol illegal in the United States).
1974 In American football, the Birmingham Americans would win what would eventually be the only World Bowl in World Football League history.
1976 The United Nations General Assembly adopts Pakistan’s resolution on security of non-Nuclear States.
1979 Sonia Johnson is formally excommunicated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for her outspoken criticism of the church concerning the proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.
2010 The Harlem Globetrotters Played their famous “Four Point Game” against the Generals.

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Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift.

One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, ‘I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do ?’

‘Just use copier paper,’ she told him.

With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

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The Clown noticed that his dog had become lethargic, lazy, and fat. Being a considerate pet owner, the clown took his beloved pet to the veterinarian. After some initial confusion about whether the veterinarian ate meat, the clown described his problem to the doctor.

The veterinarian explained that there was nothing seriously wrong with the clown’s pet dog, and that it simply needed some exercise. “You need to make sure this dog runs around,” the doctor said. “Try playing a game of fetch with him.”

This news saddened the clown immensely. “I can’t play fetch with my dog!” said the clown, holding back tears.

“Why not?” asked the doctor.

The clown replied, “Don’t be silly! He can’t throw!”

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ONE-LINERS :

~If you’re sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

~I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

~Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

~Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

~Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

~Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

~How come abbreviated is such a long word?

~If it’s zero degrees outside today & it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

~Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

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Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy’s in the bathroom. As Jimmy’s getting undressed he says to himself, “How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world’s smelliest feet?”

Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world’s worst breath? I’ve got to tell him.”

Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something.” Jimmy says, “Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks.”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.

~Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

~After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it.

~The job was only so-so anyhow.

~Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.

~I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

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Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow”.

The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet”.

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45″!

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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Bathtub Trivia

~In 1883 John Michael Kohler enameled a cast iron horse trough, but people had been bathing in wooden and metal tubs for years before that.

~Two main styles of bathtub are common: 1. Western-style bathtubs in which the bather lies down. These baths are typically shallow and long. 2.Eastern style bathtubs in which the bather stands up, known as ofuro in Japan and are typically short and deep.

~The process for enameling cast iron bathtubs was invented by the Scottish-born American David Dunbar Buick.

~the Crane Company introduced colored bathroom fixtures to the US market in 1928

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LIFE LESSON:The difference between school and life? In school, you’re taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson. – Tom Bodett quotes

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people. – Thomas Mann

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: Three things are needed for a good life, good friends, good food, and good song. – Jason Zebehazy