A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road. – Henry Ward Beecher
FOR TODAY – DECEMBER 12th – MONDAY
346th day of 2011 with 19 to follow.
Holidays for Today:
*National Ding-a-Ling Day
*Poinsettia Day
*National Cocoa Day
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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:
- 1866 Alfred Werner, Mulhouse, Alsace, Swiss chemist, Known for configuration of transition metal complexes
- 1915 Frank Sinatra, Hoboken, New Jersey, singer and actor (d. 1998)
- 1927 Robert Noyce, Burlington, Iowa, inventor, invented the integrated circuit or microchip which fueled the personal computer revolution and gave Silicon Valley its name
- 1940 Dionne Warwick, East Orange, New Jersey, singer (40 biggest hit makers of the entire rock era (1955–1999) )
- 1943 Dickey Betts, West Palm Beach, Florida, musician (The Allman Brothers Band)
- 1944 Rob Tyner, American Singer, Songwriter and activist (The MC5)
- 1945 Tony Williams, Chicago, Illinois, jazz drummer
- 1947 Wings Hauser, Hollywood, California, actor (Rubber, Stone Angel )
- 1953 Bruce Kulick, Brooklyn, New York, guitarist (Kiss, Grand Funk Railroad)
- 1958 Sheree J. Wilson, Rochester, Minnesota, actress (Walker, Texas Ranger )
- 1967 Deke Sharon, San Francisco, musician, the father of contemporary a cappella
- 1970 Jennifer Connelly, Round Top, New York, actress (The Day the Earth Stood Still , He’s Just Not That Into You. )
- 1970 Regina Hall, Washington, D.C., actress (Scary Movie )
- 1977 Bridget Hall, Springdale, Arkansas, supermodel, she was listed in Forbes as one of the “best ten” moneymaking supermodel
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Work like you don’t need the money, love like your heart has never been broken, and dance like no one is watching. – Aurora Greenway
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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:
- 1781 American Revolutionary War: Second Battle of Ushant – A Royal Navy squadron, commanded by Rear Admiral Richard Kempenfelt in HMS Victory, defeats a French fleet.
- 1787 Pennsylvania becomes the second state to ratify the United States Constitution five days after Delaware became the first.
- 1915 President of the Republic of China, Yuan Shikai announces his intention to reinstate the monarchy and proclaim himself Emperor of China.
- 1917 In Nebraska, Father Edward J. Flanagan founds Boys Town as a farm village for wayward boys.
- 1941 Adolf Hitler announces plans for extermination of the Jews at a meeting in the Reich Chancellery.
- 1942 World War II: German troops begin Operation Winter Storm, an attempt to relieve encircled Axis forces during the Battle of Stalingrad.
- 1942 A fire in a hostel in St. John’s, Newfoundland kills 100 people.
- 1946 A fire at a New York City ice plant spreads to a nearby tenement killing 37 people.
- 1950 Paula Ackerman, the first woman appointed to perform rabbinical functions in the United States, leads the congregation in her first services.
- 1956 Beginning of the Irish Republican Army’s “Border Campaign”.
- 1985 Arrow Air Flight 1285 crashes after takeoff in Gander, Newfoundland killing 256, including 236 members of the United States Army’s 101st Airborne Division.
- 1988 The Clapham Junction rail crash kills thirty-five and injures hundreds after two collisions of three commuter trains – one of the worst train crashes in the United Kingdom.
- 1991 Russian Federation gains independence from the USSR.
- 2000 The United States Supreme Court releases its decision in Bush v. Gore
- 2005 Gebran Tueni, Lebanese journalist and politician, is assassinated.
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There once was a rich man who was near death.He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So the rich man began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry Rich Man, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suit-case with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!” But, the man explains to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.” Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
“You brought pavement?!?”
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In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said, as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”
The doctor quickly responded, $5,000 for a male brain, and $1,000 for a female brain.”
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, “Why is the male brain so much more?”
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve been used!”
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ONE-LINERS : Top Ten changes at NASA to accommodate 76-yr-old John Glenn’s return to space:
10) All important devices now operated by the Clapper
9) Shuttle’s thermostat now set at 80 degrees
The cargo bay now converted into a shuffle board court
7) Amplifier now installed in the headphones
6) Metamucil now served instead of Tang
5) Little bowls of candy scattered around the ship
4) Top speed of shuttle now set at 25 MPH
3) Installed new bifocal windshield
2) Space pants now go up to the armpits
1) Left blinker left on for the entire mission.
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A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up nuts!” and the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, “Down Nuts!” and they all sat down.
After a home run he yelled, “Cheer nuts!” and they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, “what in the heck is going on”?.
The assistant replied, well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,
“PEANUTS”!!!
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pic of the day: Rafting down river near Cherokee, North Carolina
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A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. “how did you know?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.
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Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, “Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet.”
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, “Don’t kid me, Mom. I KNOW they’re my feet.”
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.
~My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.
~I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.
~Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn’t fit in.
~I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
~I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
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A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.
The farmer priced the unit as follows:
Basic Cow $ 999.95
Shipping and Handling 35.75
Extra Stomach 79.25
Two-tone Exterior 142.10
Produce Storage Compartment 128.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.60
4-Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery 170.80
Deluxe Dual Horns 59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment 339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly 884.16
Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb 69.80
Farmer Suggested List Price $ 3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment 300.00
Total list price
(including options) $ 3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags 418.00
TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $ 4054.26
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On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence.
One day two kids filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing them.
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said the boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the gate.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.” He just knew what it was. “Oh my,” he shuddered, “it’s Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.” He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said, “Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?”
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ the truth, let’s see if we can see the devil himself.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the gate, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the gate tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the gate, and we’ll be done.”
They say, the old guy made it back to town before the boy!
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Poinsettia
~The Aztecs called poinsettias “Cuetlaxochitle.” used to control fevers and the bracts (modified leaves) were used to make a reddish dye. Poinsettias are native to Mexico.
~ William Prescott, a historian and horticulturist, was asked to give Euphorbia pulcherrima a new name as it became more popular. At that time Mr. Prescott had just published a book called The Conquest of Mexico in which he detailed Joel Poinsett’s discovery of the plant. So, Prescott named the plant the poinsettia in honor of Joel Poinsett’s discovery.
~ A nurseryman from Pennsylvania, John Bartram is credited as being the first person to sell poinsettias under its botanical name.
~poinsettia is the “Crown of the Andes” in Chile and Peru
~Poinsettias are part of the Euphorbiaceae family. Many plants in this family ooze a milky sap.
~ Poinsettias are a perennial flowering shrubs that can grow to 10 feet tall.
~ Poinsettias have also been called the lobster flower and flame leaf flower.
~A fresh poinsettia is one on which little or no yellow pollen is showing on the flower clusters in the center of the bracts.
~ Ninety percent of all poinsettias are exported from the United States.
~California is the top poinsettia-producing state.
~Today is National Poinsettia Day. $220 million worth of poinsettias are sold during the holiday season.
~There are more than 100 varieties of poinsettias available.
~Eighty percent of poinsettias are purchased by women and Eighty percent of people who purchase poinsettias are 40 or older.
~Poinsettias are the most popular Christmas plant even though most are sold in a six-week period.
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LIFE LESSON: Create a definite plan for carrying out your desire and begin at once, whether you are ready or not, to put this plan into action. - Napoleon Hill
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QUIP OF THE DAY: I only have to sleep with my own conscience.
THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
THE LAST WORD: Success makes life easier. It doesn’t make living easier. – Bruce Springsteen
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