Jokes and Trivia for December 20, 2011

There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries. ~W.J. Cameron

FOR TODAY – DECEMBER 20th – TUESDAY

354th day of 2010 with 11 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* National Fried Shrimp Day

* National Sangria Day

* Mudd Day

* St. Dominic of Silos Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

1494 Oronce Finé, Briançon, France,mathematician (gave the value of pi to be (22 2/9)/7)
1833 Dr Samuel A Mudd, Charles County, Maryland, convicted of giving medical aid to John Wilkes Booth
1868 Harvey S Firestone, Columbiana, Ohio, Industrialist, automobile pioneer (Firestone Tire & Rubber Co.)
1876 Walter S Adams, Syria, US astronomer/director of Mount Wilson (1923-46)
1890 Jaroslav Heyrovský, Prague, Bohemia, Czech chemist, the inventor of the polarographic method, father of the electroanalytical method
1901 Robert Van de Graaff, Tuscaloosa, Alabama, physicist and inventor (Mobility of Gaseous Ions, designer of the Van de Graaff generator, a device which produces high voltages)
1944 Bobby Colomby, New York, musician (Blood, Sweat & Tears)
1945 Peter Criss, Brooklyn, New York, drummer and singer (Kiss)
1954 Michael Badalucco, Brooklyn, New York, actor (The Practice)
1954 Sandra Cisneros, Chicago, Illinois, writer (The House on Mango Street , Woman Hollering Creek and Other Stories)
1956 Blanche Baker, New York City, New York, actress (Cold Feet ,Sixteen Candles)
1966 Chris Robinson, Marietta, Georgia, singer (Black Crowes)
1970 Nicole DeBoer, Toronto, Ontario, Canada, actress (Ezra Dax on DS9; The Dead Zone)
1976 Adam Powell, Wales, game designer and businessman (Meteor Games, Neopets creator)
1983 Jonah Hill, Mill Valley, California, actor (How to Train Your Dragon, Get Him to the Greek )
1986 Anoop Desai, Cary, North Carolina, singer and former American Idol contestant (My Name, All Is Fair)
1990 JoJo, Brattleboro, Vermont, singer (Leave (Get Out) )

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I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. ~ Charles Dickens

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

1803 The Louisiana Purchase is completed at a ceremony in New Orleans.
1835 First signing of the Texas Declaration of Independence at Goliad, Texas.
1860 South Carolina becomes the first state to secede from the United States.
1919 Canadian National Railways established (North America’s longest, 50,000 KM).
1951 The EBR-1 in Arco, Idaho becomes the first nuclear power plant to generate electricity. The electricity powered four light bulbs.
1952 United States Air Force C-124 crashes and burns in Moses Lake, Washington killing 87.
1968 The Zodiac Killer kills Betty Lou Jenson and David Faraday in Vallejo, California.
1977 First Space walk made by Soviet G Grechko during Salyut 6 EO-1 mission.
1985 Position of American “Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry” established (Robert Warren was the first appointed).
1989 The United States sends troops into Panama to overthrow government of Manuel Noriega.
1995 American Airlines Flight 965, a Boeing 757, crashes into a mountain 50 km north of Cali, Colombia killing 160.
1996 NeXT merges with Apple Computer, starting the path to Mac OS X.
2002 US Senator Trent Lott resigns as majority leader.
2005 US District Court Judge John E. Jones III rules against mandating the teaching of “intelligent design” in his ruling of Kitzmiller v. Dover Area School District.
2005 The first same sex civil partnerships in Scotland are celebrated.
2006 A judge rules against the death penalty in the case of Naveed Haq, a man convicted in the shooting death and injuries at the Jewish Federation in Seattle.
2007 Queen Elizabeth II becomes the oldest ever monarch of the United Kingdom, surpassing Queen Victoria, who lived for 81 years, 7 months and 29 days.
2007 The painting Portrait of Suzanne Bloch (1904), by the Spanish artist Pablo Picasso, is stolen from the São Paulo Museum of Art, along with O Lavrador de Café, by the major Brazilian modernist painter Candido Portinari.

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A man and his wife were lying in bed the other night when he noticed she had bought a new book entitled, “What 20 Million American Women Want.”

He grabbed the book out of her hands and started thumbing through the pages.

His wife was a little annoyed. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”

He calmly replied, “I just wanted to see if they spelled my name right.”

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About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, “I understand you’ve been on this ship for the last four cruises.”

She replied, “Yes, that’s true.”

I stated, “I don’t understand” and she replied, without a pause, “It’s cheaper than a nursing home.”

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don’t even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don’t look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don’t forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

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ONE-LINERS : I’m Gonna Be Late Because…

- I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

- If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Bears, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

- I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

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One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in trouble now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and realizing the squirrel has probably given away his secret thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story…
Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! Brilliance generally only comes with age and experience.

Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just ‘youthfully challenged’.

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pic of the day: Merry Christmas to Ewe

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Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said “You are here” caught my six year old’s attention. Pointing to it he asked. “How do they know that?”

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My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect.

My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Working Man Blues

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned … couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so …they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because …it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that …was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but …I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just …didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I…couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found …I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I…didn’t have any patients.

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More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don’t want to work in the computer industry, it’s just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.

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Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies’ group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there’s no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend’s home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

Ahhh, talk about getting your ‘just deserts!- Alice sat back down and prepared to enjoy the upcoming show.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: SANGRIA

~Started off from Mediterranean region, Sangria is a wine fruit punch and started as a summer drink in Spain and Portugal.

~Sangria is a popular drink worldwide.

~It can be enjoyed any season but the best time to enjoy chilled and refreshing Sangria, is when summer sizzles.

~Sangria has become word’s popular drink since it was introduced to the world at New York World’s trade fair held in 1964.

~. It is known as Sangria Blanca when prepared by using white wine.

~The Rioja region of Spain is considered to be the place where Sangria was born.

~Orange is the standard fruit generally used in Sangria, but there is no restriction in using other fruits too.

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LIFE LESSON: An idealist believes the short run doesn’t count. A cynic believes the long run doesn’t matter. A realist believes that what is done or left undone in the short run determines the long run. – Sydney J. Harris

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QUIP OF THE DAY: From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. ~Katharine Whitehorn

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD: I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year. And thus I drift along into the holidays – let them overtake me unexpectedly – waking up some fine morning and suddenly saying to myself: “Why, this is Christmas Day!” ~David Grayson