Jokes and Trivia for March 5, 2013

People with many interests live, not only longest, but happiest. – George Matthew Allen

TODAY – MARCH 5th- TUESDAY

64th day of 2013 with 301 days to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Multiple Personality Day

*National Cheese Doodle Day

*National Absinthe Day

*Social Workers Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1575 William Oughtred, Eton, Buckinghamshire, England, mathematician (credited as the inventor of the slide rule)
  • 1794 Jacques Babinet, Lusignan (Vienne), French physicist (best known for his contributions to optics)
  • 1836 Charles Goodnight, Macoupin Co., Illinois, cattle rancher in American West (father of Texas Panhandle)
  • 1908 Sir Rex Harrison, English actor (Cleopatra, My Fair Lady, Dr. Dolittle, The Agony and the Ecstasy)
  • 1910 Momofuku Ando, Taiwanese-Japanese inventor of instant noodles and cup noodles
  • 1915 Laurent Schwartz, Paris, mathematician (pioneered the theory of distributions, which gives a well-defined meaning to objects such as the Dirac delta function)
  • 1922 James Noble, Dallas, Texas, actor (The Brighter Day; As the World Turns )
  • 1927 Jack Cassidy, Richmond Hill, New York, actor (Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, He & She, The Andersonville Trial)
  • 1936 Dean Stockwell, North Hollywood, California, actor (Quantum Leap, JAG, Dune, Battlestar Galactica)
  • 1938 Paul Evans, Queens, New York, singer and songwriter
  • 1942 Mike Resnick, American science fiction author (Seven Views of Olduvai Gorge, The 43 Antarean Dynasties, Travels with My Cats, A Hunger in the Soul, Starship series)
  • 1954 Marsha Warfield, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Roz on Night Court, Empty Nest, Caddyshack 2)
  • 1955 Penn Jillette, Greenfield, Massachusetts, magician and comedian
  • 1958 Andy Gibb, English-born Australian singer and teen idol (youngest brother of the BeeGees)
  • 1970 John Frusciante, New York City, musician (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
  • 1972 Luca Turilli, Trieste, musician (Rhapsody)
  • 1974 Kevin Connolly, Patchogue, New York, actor and comedian (Entourage , Unhappily Ever After )
  • 1974 Eva Mendes, Miami, Florida, actress (2 Fast 2 Furious, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Stuck on You, Ghost Rider )
  • 1975 Jolene Blalock, San Diego, California, actress (Star Trek: Enterprise )
  • 1989 Sterling Knight, Houston, Texas, actor  (17 Again, Sonny With a Chance, Disney Channel Original Movie Starstruck)
  • 1989 Jake Lloyd, Fort Collins, Colorado, actor (young Anakin Skywalker inStar Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace; Jingle All The Way)

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When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. – Helen Keller

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1766 Antonio de Ulloa, the first Spanish governor of Louisiana, arrives in New Orleans.
  • 1770 Boston Massacre: Five Americans, including Crispus Attucks, and a boy, are killed by British troops in an event that would contribute to the outbreak of the American Revolutionary War (also known as the American War of Independence) five years later. At a subsequent trial the soldiers are defended by John Adams.
  • 1836 Samuel Colt makes the first production-model revolver, the .34-caliber.
  • 1850 The Britannia Bridge across the Menai Strait between the Isle of Anglesey and the mainland of Wales is opened.
  • 1872 George Westinghouse patents the air brake.
  • 1933 Great Depression: President Franklin D. Roosevelt declares a “bank holiday”, closing all U.S. banks and freezing all financial transactions.
  • 1933 Adolf Hitler’s Nazi Party receives 43.9% at the Reichstag elections. This later allows the Nazis to pass the Enabling Act and establish a dictatorship.
  • 1946 Winston Churchill uses the phrase “Iron Curtain” in his speech at Westminster College, Missouri.
  • 1946 Hungarian Communists and Social Democrats co-found the Left Bloc.
  • 1960 Alister Hardy publicly announces his idea that ape-human divergence may have been due to a coastal phase, giving rise to the Aquatic Ape Hypothesis.
  • 1978 The Landsat 3 is launched from Vandenberg Air Force Base in California.
  • 1979 Soviet probes Venera 11, Venera 12 and the American solar satellite Helios II all are hit by “off the scale” gamma rays leading to the discovery of soft gamma repeaters.
  • 1979 America’s Voyager 1 spacecraft has its closest approach to Jupiter, 172,000 miles.
  • 1981 The ZX81, a pioneering British home computer, is launched by Sinclair Research and would go on to sell over 1.5 million units around the world.

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Dear Friend,

Your name was given to us by a friend or family member who is concerned about your addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, we’re talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online from dawn ’till midnight. You, bleary eyed. You are an addict.

Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked to see if your family still lives with you?

We’re a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counseling through weekly meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never “cured,” you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:

1) Experience twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day? Or just once, continuously from the time you wake up until you go bed down for the night?

3) Spend more time on Facebook than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, only so you can be online?

5) Leave e-mail address at countless sites so you’ll always have mail?

6) Log on before and after important personal habits such as meals, hygiene and bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on you day off instead of griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke rising from your computer or WebTV box?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call Internetaholics Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETESSAKE

We’re here, we’re free, and we’re confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can still remember how to use your phone.

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Before I proposed I wanted an independent appraisal of the ring I’d bought. I asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed and said that instead of a fee she’d accept lunch at one of Houston’s finer restaurants.

A few days later, as the gem expert and I sat sipping a glass of Chablis, I showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler’s loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

At that point I overheard a whispered comment from the next table: “Wow! These Texas women are tough!”

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ONE-LINERS: Top 8 Reasons For Joining the Church Choir. . .

8. The robe saves on laundry when you’re running out of clean clothes.

7. A guaranteed seat, even on Christmas and Easter!

6. You’ve just been called to jury duty and you want to get used to sitting with a large group of people.

5. They don’t pass the collection plate to the choir.

4. Makes it easy to check the clock in the back of the church.

3. You have always wanted to know who sits in the back of the church but were afraid to turn around and look.

2. The minister can’t catch you nodding off during the service. … and the Number One Reason For Joining the Church Choir:

1. Woo-hoo! Choir chairs are padded!!

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pic of the day: Goat and Guinea

picture of goat and guinea in field

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: Where did the chicken go on her vacation?
A: Sandy Eggo

Q: Why did the egg cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.

Q: Why did the chicken lay an egg on a axe?
A: In order to hatchet

Q: What do you call a egg which has done lots of things?
A: Eggsperienced

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The math teacher saw that Daphne wasn’t paying attention in class.  She called on her and said, ‘Daphne!  What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Daphne quickly replied, ‘ABC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!’

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Little Ronnie’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.  One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’

Little Ronnie asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

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If I ever invent a new drink, I’m going to call it “Responsibly”.
That way I’ll get a ton of free advertising at the end of liquor commercials.
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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ABSINTHE

~Absinthe is another name for the herb wormwood (Artemisia absinthium)

~It is also the name of a licorice-anise flavored green liqueur that was created at the end of the 18th century, and manufactured by Henry-Louis Pernod.

~Called the ‘green Muse’ it became very popular in the 19th century

~Eventually banned in most countries beginning in 1908. The reason is the presence of the toxic oil ‘thujone’ in wormwood, which was one of the main ingredients of Absinthe.

~Absinthe appeared to cause brain lesions, convulsions, hallucinations and severe mental problems. Thujone was thought to be the culprit, along with the fact that Absinthe was manufactured with an alcohol content of 68% or 132 proof.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a lot of ignorance is just as bad. – Bob Edwards

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities. – Aldous Huxley