Jokes and Trivia for April 9, 2013

When you want to believe in something, you also have to believe in everything that’s necessary for believing in it. – Ugo Betti

TODAY – APRIL 9th – TUESDAY

99th day of 2013 with 266 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Name Yourself Day

*Winston Churchill Day (celebrates the day he was made an honorary US citizen)

*Chinese Almond Cookie Day

*National Welding Month

*Stress Awareness Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1770 Thomas Johann Seebeck, Tallinn, Estonia, German physicist (discovered the thermoelectric effect)
  • 1794 Theobald Boehm, Munich in Bavaria, German inventor (perfected the modern Western concert flute and its improved fingering system)
  • 1903 Ward Bond, Benkelman, Nebraska, actor (Wagon Train, The Searchers, The Quiet Man, Gone with the Wind, The Maltese Falcon)
  • 1919 J. Presper Eckert, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, American computer pioneer, invented the first general-purpose electronic digital computer (ENIAC), 1st commercial computer company, 1st commercial computer (UNIVAC), delay line memory
  • 1926 Hugh Hefner, Chicago, Illinois, publisher, founder of Playboy Enterprises
  • 1930 F. Albert Cotton, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, American chemist (recognized for research on the chemistry of the transition metals)
  • 1932 Carl Perkins, Tiptonville, Tennessee, singer and guitarist (Blue Suede Shoes, King of Rockabilly)
  • 1932 Jim Fowler, Albany, Georgia, zoologist (host of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom, Tonight Show w/Johnny Carson)
  • 1933 Fern Michaels, Hastings, Pennsylvania, author or romance & thriller novels (Family Blessings, Pretty Woman, Crown Jewel, Texas series, Sisterhood series)
  • 1935 Avery Schreiber, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Doritos ads, My Mother the Car, Chico and the Man, Match Game)
  • 1939 Michael Learned, Washington, D.C., United States, American actress (The Waltons, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story)
  • 1953 Hal Ketchum, Greenwich, New York, singer-songwriter (Small Town Saturday Night, Hearts Are Gonna Roll)
  • 1954 Dennis Quaid, Houston, Texas,  actor (The Parent Trap, Innerspace, The Right Stuff, The Big Easy, Jaws 3-D)
  • 1965 Mark Pellegrino, Los Angeles, California, actor (Jacob on Lost, Lucifer on Supernatural)
  • 1966 Cynthia Nixon, New York, New York, actress (Sex and the City, The Manhattan Project, Warm Springs)
  • 1977 Gerard Way, Summit, New Jersey, United States, American singer (My Chemical Romance)
  • 1978 Rachel Stevens, Southgate,London, England, English singer (S Club)
  • 1978 Veronica Taylor, American actress, best known for her dubbing work in English-language anime adaptations, (Ash Ketchum in Pokemon)
  • 1979 Albert Hammond, Jr., Los Angeles, California, U.S., American guitarist (The Strokes)
  • 1979 Keshia Knight Pulliam, Newark, New Jersey, actress (Ruby Huxtable in The Cosby Show, Tyler Perry’s House of Payne)
  • 1986 Leighton Meester, Fort Worth, Texas, singer and actress (Gossip Girl, Monte Carlo )
  • 1987 Craig Mabbitt, Glendale, Arizona, singer (Escape the Fate)
  • 1987 Jesse McCartney, Ardsley, New York, actor and singer (Dream Street band, All My Children, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Ventus in Kingdom Hearts game)
  • 1990 Kristen Stewart, Los Angeles, California, actress  (The Twilight Saga )
  • 1998 Elle Fanning, Conyers, Georgia, actress (We Bought a Zoo )

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Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. – Vaclav Havel

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1511 St John’s College, Cambridge, England, founded by Lady Margaret Beaufort, receives its charter.
  • 1609 Eighty Years’ War: Spain and the Dutch Republic sign the Treaty of Antwerp to initiate twelve years of truce.
  • 1682 Robert Cavelier de La Salle discovers the mouth of the Mississippi River, claims it for France and names it Louisiana.
  • 1782 American War of Independence: Battle of the Saintes begins.
  • 1909 The U.S. Congress passes the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act.
  • 1939 Marian Anderson sings at the Lincoln Memorial, after being denied the right to sing at the Daughters of the American Revolution’s Constitution Hall.
  • 1957 The Suez Canal in Egypt is cleared and opens to shipping.
  • 1981 The U.S. Navy nuclear submarine USS George Washington (SSBN-598) accidentally collides with the Nissho Maru, a Japanese cargo ship, sinking it.
  • 1992 A U.S. Federal Court finds former Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega guilty of drug and racketeering charges. He is sentenced to 30 years in prison.
  • 1992 John Major’s Conservative Party wins an unprecedented fourth general election victory in the United Kingdom.
  • 2003 2003 invasion of Iraq: Baghdad falls to American forces;Saddam Hussein statue topples as Iraqis turn on symbols of their former leader, pulling down the statue and tearing it to pieces.
  • 2005 Wedding of Charles, Prince of Wales and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall; Charles, Prince of Wales marries Camilla Parker Bowles in a civil ceremony at Windsor’s Guildhall.

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A man stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. “Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?”

“Well, we work for the government and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg’s job’s been cut so now it’s just me an’ Matt.”

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A would-be mayor in Bacau, eastern Romania is in the ‘dog house’ after turning packs of stray dogs into living billboards advertising his intention to stand in the mayoral election. Puzzled voters found their streets flooded with dogs; all wearing posters saying ‘Vote for Radu Nicolau’ on their backs.

The idea has angered local animal rights groups but the dogged Nicolau is unrepentant, and is quoted as saying, ‘It’s the best way to get my message across. I love dogs and they can spread the word about my campaign to lots of places quicker than me and my campaign team could.’

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ONE-LINERS: The Funny Things Kids Say:

~ DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’

~ CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’

~ MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’

~ TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’

~ JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read, ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.’ James asked, ‘What happened to the flea?’

~ The Sermon this Mom will never forget …  ‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ‘Without you, we are but dust …’ He would have continued but at that moment my daughter leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four-year-old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’

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pic of the day: Old Barn

old barn

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.

~ Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

~ Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

~ All the waterfowl kept their eyes closed except for one. He was a Peking Duck.

~ In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

~ In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

~ If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, expect a long sentence.

~ I used to do rock climbing as a youth, but I was much boulder back then.

~ He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

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The idea of this piece of fun is to match file extensions to job titles. For example: .tiff = Marriage counsellor

Here are others file extension that we have linked to occupations:

.api = Comedian
.asp = Snake-in-the-grass
.bin = Refuse collector
.doc = Fixer
.chk = Chess champion
.dic = Private eye
.exe = Hang man
.fav = Boot licker
.gem = Jeweller
.ico = Office pin-up
.inf = Filing Clerk
.ins = Insurance agent
.mad = Psychiatrist
.mam = Midwife
.mapi = Planning officer
.mov = Removal company
.mpg = Car salesman
.png = Table Tennis Champion
.ppt = Punch and Judy operator
.pub = Alcoholic
.qt = Strong silent type
.rat = Spy
.snd = Disk Jockey
.sys = Sister
.tiff = Marriage guidance counsellor
.wav = Cheerleader
.wiz = Magician
.wri = Secretary
.zap = Company hatchet man

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Call to computer technical support rep:
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No .. wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it into the computer yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ALMONDS

~There are 5,639 people in the U.S. listed on whitepages.com with the last name ‘Almond’

~California produces 80% of the world’s supply of almonds.

~Chocolate manufacturers use 40% of the worlds almonds.

~It takes more than 1.2 million bee hives to pollinate California’s Almond crop (over 550,000 acres).

~ Mentioned in the Old Testament of the Bible, were among the earliest cultivated foods.

~Almonds are one of only two nuts mentioned in the Bible (Genesis 43:11); the other is the pistachio nut.

~Japanese teenagers enjoy snacking on a mixture of dried sardines and slivered almonds.

~The protein in almonds is more like the proteins in human breast milk. It is the choice of the Canadian College of Naturopathic Medicine as the base for its baby formula.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance. – Anonymous

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

We see daily that our lives are terrible and little, without continuity, buyable and salable at any moment, mere blips on a screen, that this is the way we live now. Memory marketed as nostalgia; terror reduced to mere suspense, to melodrama. – Adrienne Rich