Jokes and Trivia for November 7, 2012

Never let your memories be greater than your dreams. – Doug Ivester

TODAY – NOVEMBER 7th – WEDNESDAY

312th day of 2012 with 54 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day

*International Drum Month

*National Adoption Awareness Month

*National Epilepsy Month

*NAtional Novel Writing Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1728 Captain James Cook, British naval officer, explorer, and cartographer (detailed maps of Newfoundland; 1st European contact eastern Australia and Hawaiian Islands)
  • 1867 Maria Sklodowska-Curie, Warsaw, Russian held parts of Poland, Polish chemist and physicist (pioneering research on radioactivity)
  • 1897 Armstrong Sperry, New Haven, Connecticut, author (Call it Courage, All Sail Set, Wagons Westward)
  • 1914 Archie Campbell, Bulls Gap, Tennessee, comedian, singer, author (Hee Haw, Yesteryear)
  • 1918 Billy Graham, Charlotte, North Carolina, evangelist (spiritual adviser to several U.S. Presidents, Crusades with estimated 2.2 billion lifetime audience)
  • 1922 Al Hirt, New Orleans, Louisana, trumpeter and bandleader (Java, theme song of The Green Hornet)
  • 1929 Eric R. Kandel, Austrian neuroscientist (Nobel / memory storage in neurons)
  • 1940 Dakin Matthews, Oakland, California, actor (Down Home, Soul Man, The Jeff Foxworthy Show)
  • 1942 Tom Peters, Baltimore, Maryland, author (In Search of Excellence, Thriving on Chaos, Talent, The Little Big Things)
  • 1957 Christopher Knight, New York City, New York, actor (The Brady Bunch )
  • 1960 Tommy Thayer, Portland, Oregon, guitarist (Kiss)
  • 1968 Greg Tribbett, Peoria, Illinois, musician (Mudvayne)
  • 1969 Michelle Clunie, Portland, Oregon,actress (Queer as Folk, Make It or Break It )
  • 1972 Christopher Daniel Barnes, Portland, Maine, actor (Spider-Man: The Animated Series, The Brady Bunch Movie , A Very Brady Sequel )
  • 1979 Jon Peter Lewis, Lincoln, Nebraska, singer, finalists on the third season of the reality/talent-search television series American Idol

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Nobody gets to live life backward. Look ahead, that is where your future lies. – Ann Landers

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1775 John Murray, the Royal Governor of the Colony of Virginia, starts the first mass emancipation of slaves in North America by issuing Lord Dunmore’s Offer of Emancipation, which offers freedom to slaves who abandoned their colonial masters in order to fight with Murray and the British.
  • 1786 The oldest musical organization in the United States is founded as the Stoughton Musical Society.
  • 1811 Tecumseh’s War: The Battle of Tippecanoe is fought near present-day Battle Ground, Indiana, United States.
  • 1872 The ship Mary Celeste sails from New York, eventually to be found deserted.
  • 1874 A cartoon by Thomas Nast in Harper’s Weekly, is considered the first important use of an elephant as a symbol for the United States Republican Party.
  • 1910 The first air freight shipment (from Dayton, Ohio, to Columbus, Ohio) is undertaken by the Wright Brothers and department store owner Max Moorehouse.
  • 1912 The Deutsche Opernhaus (now Deutsche Oper Berlin) opens in the Berlin neighborhood of Charlottenburg, with a production of Beethoven’s Fidelio.
  • 1914 The first issue of The New Republic magazine is published.
  • 1916 Jeannette Rankin is the first woman elected to the United States Congress.
  • 1919 The first Palmer Raid is conducted on the second anniversary of the Russian Revolution. Over 10,000 suspected communists and anarchists are arrested in twenty-three different U.S. cities.
  • 1929 In New York City, the Museum of Modern Art opens to the public.
  • 1933 Fiorello H. La Guardia is elected the 99th mayor of New York City.
  • 1940 In Tacoma, Washington, the original Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapses in a windstorm, a mere four months after the bridge’s completion.
  • 1944 Franklin D. Roosevelt elected for a record fourth term as President of the United States of America.
  • 1956 Suez Crisis: The United Nations General Assembly adopts a resolution calling for the United Kingdom, France and Israel to immediately withdraw their troops from Egypt.
  • 1967 US President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Public Broadcasting Act of 1967, establishing the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.
  • 1973 The U.S. Congress overrides President Richard M. Nixon’s veto of the War Powers Resolution, which limits presidential power to wage war without congressional approval.
  • 1983 A bomb explodes inside the United States Capitol. No people are harmed, but an estimated $250,000 in damage is caused.
  • 1989 David Dinkins becomes the first African American mayor of New York City.
  • 1991 Magic Johnson announces that he is infected with HIV and retires from the NBA.
  • 2002 Iran bans advertising of United States products.

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A guy driving a Hyundai pulls up next to a Rolls Royce at a traffic light. He opens his window and yells at the guy in the Rolls, “Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?”

“Yes, of course I do!”

“I got one too. See?”

“Uh huh, yes, that’s very nice.”

“You got a fax machine in the Rolls?”

“Why, actually, yes, I do.”

“I do too! See? It’s right here!”

Just as the light is about to turn green the guy in the Hyundai says, “So … do you have a double bed in the back?”

The guy in the Rolls replies, “No! Do you?”

“Yep, got my double bed right back here.”

The light turns green and they both take off, but the Rolls owner is not about to be one-upped. He immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in the back of his car. Once it’s done, he drives all over town looking for the Hyundai.

Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road. He pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Hyundai.

After a long wait the Hyundai driver finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, “Hey, remember me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What’s up?”

“Check this out! I got a double bed installed in my Rolls!”

“You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?”

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A high school kid saw an ad for a farmer who was selling a donkey. The farmer wanted $200, but the kid only had $100, so he gave that to the farmer, and spent the summer mowing yards and doing odd jobs to earn the other $100.

But when the kid came back to pay the balance, the farmer told him, “I’ve got some bad news for ya. That donkey died last week.”

The kid thought about this a moment and said, “Well, I’ll go ahead and buy him anyway.”

“What?? Whatcha gonna do with a dead donkey?”

“I think I’m gonna raffle him off.”

“You can’t raffle off no dead donkey!”

“I got it worked out, don’t worry.”

So the kid bought the dead donkey and a couple of weeks later the farmer ran into the kid in town.

“Hey, did you really raffle off that dead donkey?”

“Yep, sure did. I sold fifty tickets for ten bucks each.”

“WHAT? Wasn’t anyone upset about that??”

The guy that won was kinda mad. So I gave him back his ten bucks.”

That kid grew up to be Bernie Madoff.

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ONE-LINERS:

~Corduroy pillows are making headlines

~Every morning is the dawn of a new error

~Dijon vu – the same mustard as before

~When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I

~What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)

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pic of the day: Tom Turkey

picture of wild tom turkey

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Executives in bronzeware companies are called the Top Brass.

—–

Yesterday my 4-year-old daughter went to throw something away in the garbage can and found it to be too full. She came to me and said, “Daddy, you need to delete the trash.”

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A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn’t know what’s available or price.

The clerk replies “we have Tennis Barbie and she’s $28”

The Lady asks “well, anything else?”

“We have an equestrian Barbie, and she’s $28”.

Lady asks “anything else?”

“Well, we have divorced Barbie and she’s $250.”

The lady replies “I don’t understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?”

The clerk replied “Simple, she comes with Ken’s car, his house, and all his other stuff.”

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A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this:

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ALMONDS

~ Almonds together with dates were among the earliest cultivated foods. Both are mentioned in the Old Testament of the Bible

~In classical times, the Romans distributed sugared almonds as gifts to great men at public and private events.

~ Used as a wedding gift. Before distributing sugared almonds wrapped in tulle as a wedding favor is a tradition that dates back to early European history. These almond “bonbonieres” symbolize children, happiness, romance, good health and fortune.

~The earliest varieties of almonds were found in China carried by traders down the ancient silk road to Greece, Turkey, and the Middle East.

~Tim Allen, handyman and leading actor of the hit television sitcom, Home Improvement, confessed to Oprah Winfrey that his favorite thing to snack on is hickory smoked almonds

~Cinnamon-glazed almonds were President Clinton’s snack of choice at both the 1993 and the 1997 inaugurations.

~According to superstition: If you eat almonds before taking a drink, you will reduce your chances of getting drunk and avoid having a hangover. Another study,”Don’t eat too many almonds, they add weight to the breasts”–The Great Food Almanac, by Irena Chalmers.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. – Will Rogers

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much. – Jim Rohn