Jokes and Trivia for April 18, 2013

When we put down ideas of what life should be like, we are free to wholeheartedly say yes to our life as it is. – Tara Brach

TODAY – APRIL 18th – THURSDAY

108th day of 2013 with 257  to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Juggler’s Day

*Newspaper Columnists Day

*Animal Crackers Birthday

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1838 Paul Emile Lecoq de Boisbaudran, Cognac, France,  scientist , known for Discovering gallium, samarium, and dysprosium
  • 1905 George H. Hitchings, Hoquiam, Washington, scientist, known for chemotherapy
  • 1922 Barbara Hale, DeKalb, Illinois, actress (Perry Mason )
  • 1925 Bob Hastings, Brooklyn, New York, actor (McHale’s Navy, All in the Family)
  • 1940 Joseph L. Goldstein, Kingstree, South Carolina,  scientist, and a pioneer in the study of cholesterol metabolism
  • 1946 Hayley Mills, London, England, actress (Parent Trap, Pollyanna)
  • 1953 Rick Moranis, Canada, (SCTV, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Spaceballs, GhostBusters)
  • 1956 Anna Kathryn Holbrook, Fairbanks, Alaska, actress (Another World)
  • 1956 Eric Roberts, Biloxi, Mississippi, actor (Less Than Perfect , Heroes )
  • 1956 Melody Thomas Scott, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Young and the Restless )
  • 1963 Conan [Christopher] O’Brien, Brookline, Maine, TV host (Late Night)
  • 1971 Tamara Braun, Evanston, Illinois, actress (General Hospital ,Days of our Lives, All My Children. )
  • 1971 Russell Payne, Huddersfield, Yorkshire, England,  writer (Morris Telford – A Salopian Odyssey, Marlowe Bidforth’s Backpack Adventure )
  • 1976 Melissa Joan Hart, Sayville, New York, actress (Clarissa Explains It All, Sabrina the Teenage Witch)
  • 1984 America Georgina Ferrera, Los Angeles, California, actress (Ugly Betty, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, voice of Astrid in How To Train Your Dragon)
  • 1989 Alia Shawkat, Riverside, California, actress (Arrested Development )
  • 1989 Jessica Jung, San Francisco, California, American-born South Korean singer (Girls’ Generation)
  • 1994 Moises Arias, New York City, actor (Hannah Montana, Moises Rules)

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Love doesn’t make the world go ’round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile. – Franklin P. Jones

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1783 Fighting ceases in the American Revolution, eight years to the day since it began.
  • 1797 The Battle of Neuwied – French victory against the Austrians.
  • 1906 The 1906 San Francisco earthquake and fire destroys much of San Francisco, California.
  • 1906 The Los Angeles Times story on the Azusa Street Revival launches Pentecostalism as a worldwide movement.
  • 1909 Joan of Arc is beatified in Rome (declared a saint).
  • 1912 The Cunard liner RMS Carpathia brings 705 survivors from the RMS Titanic to New York City.
  • 1924 Simon & Schuster publish the first crossword puzzle book.
  • 1936 The first Champions Day is celebrated in Detroit, Michigan.
  • 1930 BBC Radio announces that there is no news on that day.
  • 1958 A United States federal court rules that poet Ezra Pound is to be released from an insane asylum.
  • 1963 Dr. James Campbell performed the 1st human nerve transplant.
  • 2005 Adobe Systems announced an agreement to acquire Macromedia.
  • 2007 The Supreme Court of the United States upholds the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act in a 5-4 decision.
  • 2007 A series of bombings, two of them being suicides, occur in Baghdad, killing 198 and injuring 251.

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

The driver’s wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up from her knitting she says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

She smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Darn it, woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

“Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket,” the driver responds.

His wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And, as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON’T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?”

(Wait for it ….. )

“Only when he’s been drinking, officer.”

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ONE-LINERS: health and safety tales.

1) A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in Boston, Massachusetts, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

2) Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I’m constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. ‘Does anyone know,’ I asked a few guys, ‘what the speed limit is in our parking lot?’

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. ‘That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?’

3) Safety Managers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief – Franz Kafka

4) What do you get if you put 100 Safety Managers in your basement? – A whine cellar

5) Two workmen were digging foundations when one of them started shouting and jumping about . The other one thought his partner had hit an underground power cable and was being electrocuted so following good health and safety practice used a shovel to separate him from the electricity.

Luckily for the first worker he wasn’t getting an electric shock but was panicking after a wasp had flown up his trousers. Luckily he didn’t get stung but the second worker hit him so hard with the shovel that his shoulder was dislocated.

6) A police ‘safety officer’ was visiting a primary school in a particularly rough area of Manchester, England.

‘Why shouldn’t you touch the oven door or the kettle?’ he asked the assembled class.

A young girls hand shot into the air. ‘Because you might leave fingerprints,’ she answered.

7) A crowd gathered around at a woodworking trade show held at Fort Purbrook, Portsmouth and were watching a sales demonstration.

The demonstrator had an ordinary saw next to another which had a saw stopping safety device. He showed how each might work when it hit an operator’s finger.

For simulation purposes he used a sausage as a substitute. Intrigued, a curious spectator stepped up for a closer look and was struck in the eye by a flying piece of debris.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

More Oxymorons

– Alone together
– Small crowd
– Business ethics
– Soft rock
– Butt Head
– Military Intelligence
– Sweet sorrow
– Rural Metro (ambulance service)
– “Now, then …”
– Passive aggression
– Clearly misunderstood
– Peace force

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The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to”Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Brits have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1066.

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Quiz Show AnswersThis Morning

Judy Finnegan: The American TV show ‘The Sopranos’ is about opera. True or false?

Contestant: True?

Finnegan: No, actually, it’s about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I’ll give you that.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: ANIMAL CRACKERS

~It is believed that animal shapes originated in England during the 1800s. They were imported to the US in the late 1800s.

~At the Centennial Exposition in Philadelphia of 1876 they were sold as Zoologicals.

~The National Biscuit Company, now Nabisco, started to make Barnum’s Crackers in 1902. They were named after PT Barnum who was the founder of Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey circuses.

~In 1948 they became known as Barnum’s Animal Crackers. There have been 54 different animal shapes produced throughout the years.

~Animal Crackers Birthday is April 18. Why not grab some Animal Crackers to celebrate?!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. – Shakespeare

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Faith is courage; it is creative while despair is always destructive. – David Muzzey