Jokes and Trivia for July 2, 2012

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt of, not swallowed. – Josh Billings

TODAY – JULY 2nd – MONDAY

184th day of 2012 with 182 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*I Forgot Day

*World UFO Day

*National Anisette Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1906 Hans Bethe, German nuclear physicist (Nobel / quantum electrodynamics, nuclear physics, solid-state physics and astrophysics)
  • 1908 Thurgood Marshall, Baltimore, Maryland, 96th justice of U.S. Supreme Court (argued more cases before Supreme Court than anyone else in history)
  • 1917 Murry Wilson, Hutchinson, Kansas,  songwriter and record producer (The Beach Boys)
  • 1932 Dave Thomas, Atlantic City, New Jersey, fast-food tycoon (founder of Wendy’s)
  • 1934 Tom Springfield, Hampstead, London, British singer and songwriter (The Springfields)
  • 1937 Polly Holliday, Jasper, Alabama, actress (waitress Flo on Alice, Flo – “Kiss My Grits!”)
  • 1937 Richard Petty, Level Cross, North Carolina, former NASCAR driver (“The King” / won NASCAR championship 7 times)
  • 1946 Richard Axel, Brooklyn, New York City, neuroscientist (Nobel /olfactory system)
  • 1946 Ron Silver, NYC, New York, actor (Tunnel Vision, Rhoda, Blue Steel, Enemies: A Love Story, Best Friends, Timecop)
  • 1948 Saul Rubinek, Canadian actor (Unforgiven, True Romance, Stargate SG-1, Frasier, Jesse Stone TV movies, Warehouse 13)
  • 1970 Yancy Butler, Greenwich Village, New York, actress (Hard Target, Witchblade)
  • 1974 Rocky Gray, Jacksonville, Arkansas, drummer and guitarist (Evanescence, Living Sacrifice)
  • 1979 Sam Hornish, Jr., Defiance, Ohio, NASCAR race driver (Penske Racing)
  • 1983 Michelle Branch, Sedona, Arizona, singer (The Wreckers)
  • 1984 Vanessa Lee Chester, Hollywood, California, actress (Switched at Birth )
  • 1986 Lindsay Lohan, New York City, actress (Just My Luck )
  • 1989 Dev Tailes, Tracey, California, singer and recording artist (Like a G6, Bass Down Low)

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Wish not so much to live long as to live well. – Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack, 173

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1613 The first English expedition from Massachusetts against Acadia led by Samuel Argall takes place.
  • 1679 In an expedition led by Daniel Greysolon de Du Luth Europeans first went to Minnesota and first saw headwaters of Mississippi
  • 1698 Thomas Savery patents the first steam engine.
  • 1776 Continental Congress adopts a resolution severing ties with the Kingdom of Great Britain although the wording of the formal Declaration of Independence is not approved until July 4.
  • 1777 Vermont becomes the first American territory to abolish slavery.
  • 1881 Charles J. Guiteau shoots and fatally wounds U.S. President James Garfield, who eventually dies from an infection on September 19.
  • 1890 The U.S. Congress passes the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.
  • 1897 Italian scientist Guglielmo Marconi obtains a patent for radio in London.
  • 1900 The first Zeppelin flight takes place on Lake Constance near Friedrichshafen, Germany.
  • 1937 Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan are last heard from over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first equatorial round-the-world flight.
  • 1962 First Wal-Mart store opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas.
  • 1964 President Lyndon B. Johnson signs the Civil Rights Act of 1964 meant to prohibit segregation in public places.
  • 1993 37 participants in an Alevi cultural and literary festival are killed when a mob of demonstrators set fire to their hotel in Sivas during a violent protest.
  • 2000 Vicente Fox Quesada is elected the first President of México from an opposition party, the Partido Acción Nacional, after more than 70 years of continuous rule by the Partido Revolucionario Institucional.
  • 2001 The AbioCor self contained artificial heart is first implanted.
  • 2002 Steve Fossett becomes the first person to fly solo around the world nonstop in a balloon.
  • 2010 The South Kivu tank truck explosion in the Democratic Republic of the Congo kills at least 230 people.

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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.

Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”

“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”

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** Naughty Things To Do in the Supermarket **

1. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: “PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!”
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals
3. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal position and scream “NO! …….It’s those voices again!!!”
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: Code 3 in Housewares… and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M’s on credit.
6. Move a ‘CAUTION -WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
9. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while.. then yell loudly: “There’s no toilet paper in here.”
10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

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 ONE-LINERS:  Graduate Degrees in Action

What does a graduate student with a science degree ask?
“Why does it work?”

What does a grad student with an engineering degree ask?
“How does it work?”

What does a grad student with an accounting degree ask?
“How much will it cost?”

What does a grad student with a liberal arts degree ask?
“Do you want fries with that?”

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pic of the day: Made in the Shade on a hot summer day.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights.

~ What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
Floodlights and Ark lights

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A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”

“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

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My wife recently retired from teaching. Several years ago, when she was teaching preschool, a little guy was enrolled who was just barely old enough to qualify. The parents and my wife were concerned that he might not be ready for school.

The first day during recess, the little guy came up to my wife and said, “Teacher, this school is hard!”

My wife knelt down to hear his concerns and asked, “Why do you think school is hard?”

He looked at her and rubbed his forehead, “Because when you bump into it, it hurts!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What is Anisette?

~Anisette (also anis) is an anise-flavored liqueur mainly consumed in France, Italy, Portugal, Mexico, and Spain.

 ~It is sweeter than most anise-flavored liqueurs (such as pastis), and also has a lower alcohol content (typically 25% by volume, versus 40%).

 ~It was first created to replace absinthe.

 ~Marie Brizard is a well-known brand of French-style anisette.

 ~Anisette is an ingredient in a Nightcap.”

~Anisette diluted with water is generally clear, while undiluted pastis is transparent yellow.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you want to make enemies, try to change something. – President Woodrow Wilson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Winners are people who aren’t afraid to take a chance now and then.  Losers sit around and wait for the odds to improve.  Every man who knows how to read has it in his power to magnify himself, to multiply the ways in which he exists, to make his life full, significant, and interesting.”  – Aldous Huxley