Jokes and Trivia for September 17, 2012

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. – Maria Robinson

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 17th – MONDAY

261st day of 2012 with 105 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Apple Dumpling Day

*Citizenship Day

*Constitution Day

* Rosh Hashanah (began in the evening of Sunday, September 16, 2012, and ends in the evening of Tuesday, September 18, 2012)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1677 Stephen Hales, English physiologist, chemist, and inventor (major contributions to a range of scientific fields including botany, pneumatic chemistry and physiology; invented forceps)
  • 1826 Bernhard Riemann, German mathematician (contributions to analysis, number theory and differential geometry, some of them enabling the later development of general relativity)
  • 1854 David Dunbar Buick, Scottish-born American, inventor (Founded Buick Motor company)
  • 1857 Konstantin Tsiolkovsky, Russian Empire,  rocket scientist (considered to be one of the founding fathers of rocketry and astronautics)
  • 1907 Warren E. Burger, Saint Paul, Minnesota, former Chief Justice of the U.S. (1969-1986)
  • 1916 Mary Stewart, Sunderland, County Durham, English author (The Merlin Chronicles, The Moon-Spinners)
  • 1928 Roddy McDowall, British actor (My Friend Flicka, Lassie Come Home, Planet of the Apes, Cleopatra, Evil Under the Sun, Bedknobs & Broomsticks, A Bug’s Life)
  • 1929 Pat Crowley, Olyphant, Pennsylvania,  actress (Please Don’t Eat the Daisies tv series, Generations, Port Charles, 61*)
  • 1930 Edgar Mitchell, Hereford, Texas, pilot and retired NASA astronaut (6th person to walk on the moon – spent 9 hours on lunar surface as lunar module pilot of Apollo 14; 6th person to walk on the moon)
  • 1930 Thomas Patten Stafford, Weatherford, Oklahoma, test pilot, consultant, former NASA astronaut (2 Gemini flights, commander of Apollo 10 – 2nd manned mission to orbot moon, commander of Apollo-Soyuz flight / Gemini 6A, Gemini 9A, Apollo 10, ASTP)
  • 1931 Anne Bancroft, The Bronx, New York, actress (The Miracle Worker, The Graduate, Agnes of God, Young Winston, Antz, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone)
  • 1932 Robert B. Parker, Springfield, Massachusetts, author (Spenser series: Promised Land & 39 others; Jesse Stone series: Night Passage, Trouble in Paradise, and 7 others)
  • 1935 Ken Kesey, La Junta, Colorado, author (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Caverns)
  • 1947 Jeff MacNelly, NYC, New York, cartoonist (Shoe)
  • 1948 John Ritter, Burbank, California, actor (Three’s Company, 8 Simple Rules, Clifford the Big Red Dog)
  • 1950 Fee Waybill, Omaha, Nebraska,  musician (The Tubes)
  • 1962 BeBe Winans, Detroit, Michigan, gospel and R&B singer (Winans family)
  • 1963 William Shockley, Lawrence, Kansas, actor (Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Treasure Raiders)
  • 1965 Kyle Chandler, Buffalo, New York, actor (Early Edition, Super 8, Friday Night Lights, Homefront)
  • 1975 Jimmie Johnson, El Cajon, California, NASCAR race car driver (NASCAR Cup Series Champion for 5 years)
  • 1979 Chuck Comeau, Montréal, Québec, Canada, musician (Simple Plan)
  • 1985 Jon Walker, Chicago, Illinois, musician (Panic! at the Disco)

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All men have a sweetness in their life. That is what helps them go on. It is towards that they turn when they feel too worn out. – Albert Camus

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1630 The city of Boston, Massachusetts is founded.
  • 1787 The United States Constitution is signed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1814 Francis Scott Key finishes his poem “Defence of Fort McHenry”, later to be the lyrics of “The Star-Spangled Banner”.
  • 1894 The Battle of Yalu River, the largest naval engagement of the First Sino-Japanese War.
  • 1908 Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge a passenger in the Wright Flyer flown by Orville Wright, becomes the first airplane fatality when it crashes and he is killed.
  • 1920 The American Professional Football Association (later renamed National Football League) is organized in Canton, Ohio, United States.
  • 1961 The Civic Arena opens in Pittsburgh. It is the world’s first retractable-dome stadium.
  • 1976 The first Space Shuttle, Enterprise, is unveiled by NASA.
  • 1983 Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America.
  • 1991 The first version of the Linux kernel (0.01) is released to the Internet.
  • 2001 The New York Stock Exchange reopens for trading after the September 11 Attacks, the longest closure since the Great Depression.
  • 2006 Fourpeaked Mountain in Alaska erupts, marking the first eruption for the long-dormant volcano in at least 10,000 years.
  • 2007 AOL, once the largest ISP in the U.S., officially announces plans to refocus the company as an advertising business and to relocate its corporate headquarters from Dulles, Virginia to New York, New York.
  • 2011 Occupy Wall Street movement begins in Zucotti Park, New York City.

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.  Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

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ONE-LINERS: ** Exercising Tips**

1) My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.

2) The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

3) I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

4) I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

5) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

6) I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

7) The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

8) If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

9) And last but not least: I don’t exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

10) You could run these walking jokes over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

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pic of the day: Cat sleeping in shade of rose bush…

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

~ Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

~ When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

~ I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

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Police called out to investigate reports of a young child left home alone.

In Koblenz, Germany, an elderly lady said she could hear a child next door constantly screaming, “Mama, Mama”.   The woman felt the child must have been left home alone as nobody was answering the cries.

When officers broke into the house they found the cries were coming from a 25-year-old talking parrot.

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I was so into watching the Olympics that I hired a maid to clean my house while I was watching the games. Apparently, she was only second best. She walked off with the silver.

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Max: “Are you a lawyer?

Fred: “Yes, I am.”

Max: “How much do you charge?”

Fred: “Four hundred dollars for four questions.”

Max: “Isn’t that terribly expensive?”

Fred: “Yes, it is. What’s your fourth question?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: APPLE DUMPLING

~An apple dumpling is a pastry filled with apple, cinnamon and occasionally raisins. Apples are peeled and cored, placed on a portion of dough, then filled with cinnamon and sugar.

~Apple dumplings are a native food in the northeastern United States, around Pennsylvania.

~ A very common recipe among the Amish, it is often eaten as a breakfast item, but they are also a very common dessert item after meals.

~And very popular partner if it is ice cream or milk.

~Dumplings in America is called Boraki.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Be a fountain, not a drain. – Rex Hudler