Jokes and Trivia for January 9, 2013

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. – Oscar Wilde

TODAY – JANUARY 9th – WEDNESDAY

9th day of 2012 with 356  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Apricot Day

*Play God Day

*National Oatmeal Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1864 Vladimir Steklov, Nizhny Novgorod, Russian Empire, mathematician (Poincaré–Steklov operator)
  • 1868 S. P. L. Sørensen, Havrebjerg, Denmark, chemist (introduction of the concept of pH, a scale for measuring acidity and basicity)
  • 1870 Joseph B Strauss, Cincinnati, Ohio, civil engineer (chief engineer of the Golden Gate Bridge)
  • 1886 Lloyd Allayre Loar, Cropsey, Illinois, Lutheir and Acoustical engineer (inventor of the Gibson F-5 mandolin)
  • 1890 Karel Čapek, Czech writer (introduced & made popular the word robot, used 1st in his play R.U.R.)
  • 1901 Chic Young, Chicago, Illinois, cartoonist (Blondie)
  • 1909 J. R. Simplot, Dubuque, Iowa, entrepreneur (founder of J.R. Simplot Company, largest shipper of fresh potatoes by WWII, patented the frozen French-fried potato)
  • 1913 Richard Nixon, Yorba Linda, California, 37th President of the United States (Watergate Scandal)
  • 1925 Lee Van Cleef, Somerville, New Jersey, actor (High Noon, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance)
  • 1928 Judith Krantz, American romance author (Scruples, Mistral’s Daughter, I’ll Take Manhattan, Princess Daisy)
  • 1935 Bob Denver, New Rochelle, New York, actor (Gilligan on Gilligan’s Island, The Many Love of Dobie Gillis) / FM radio personality in Princeton, West Virginia
  • 1936 Anne Rivers Siddons, Atlanta, Georgia, author (stories set in the southern U.S.; Sweetwater Creek, Heartbreak Hotel)
  • 1938 Stuart Woods, Manchester, Georgia, author (Will Lee novels, Chiefs; Stone Barringon novels, The Short Forever, Dark Harbor; Holly Barker series, Blood Orchid; Ed Eagle series, Santa Fe Rules)
  • 1941 Joan Baez, Staten Island, NYC, New York, singer and activist
  • 1942 Lee Kun-hee, Uiryeong, South Korea, industrialist, chairman of Samsung
  • 1942 Judy Malloy, Boston, Massachusetts, hypertext fiction pioneer and artist (Uncle Roger)
  • 1943 Freddie Starr, Huyton, Liverpool, England, comedian and singer , with a chart album After the Laughter and UK Top 10 single, “It’s You”
  • 1943 Scott Walker, Hamilton, Ohio, singer (The Walker Brothers )
  • 1945 John Doman, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (The Wire, Oz)
  • 1947 Ronnie Landfield, Bronx, NewYork, artist
  • 1948 Bill Cowsill, Middletown, Rhode Island, singer (The Cowsills)
  • 1950 David Johansen, Staten Island, New York, singer
  • 1951 Crystal Gayle, Paintsville, Kentucky, singer (Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue)
  • 1957 Phil Lewis, London, England, American singer (L.A. Guns)
  • 1959 Mark Martin, Batesville, Arkansas, race car driver
  • 1967 Steve Harwell, Santa Clara, California, singer and musician (Smash Mouth)
  • 1978 AJ McLean, West Palm Beach, Florida, singer (Backstreet Boys)
  • 1978 Chad Ochocinco, Miami, Florida, football player (wide receiver Cincinnati Bengals, formerly New England Patriots); Dancing with the Stars (10th season)

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Children are happy because they don’t have a file in their minds called “All the Things That Could Go Wrong. ― Marianne Williamson

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1768 In London, Philip Astley stages the first modern circus.
  • 1788 Connecticut becomes the fifth state to be admitted to the United States.
  • 1793 Jean-Pierre Blanchard becomes the first person to fly in a balloon in the United States.
  • 1806 Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson receives a state funeral and is interred in St Paul’s Cathedral.
  • 1816 Sir Humphry Davy tests the Davy lamp for miners at Hebburn Colliery.
  • 1839 The French Academy of Sciences announces the Daguerreotype photography process.
  • 1858 Anson Jones, the last President of the Republic of Texas, commits suicide.
  • 1861 American Civil War: The “Star of the West” incident occurs near Charleston, South Carolina. It is considered by some historians to be the “First Shots of the American Civil War”.
  • 1861 Mississippi becomes the second state to secede from the Union before the outbreak of the American Civil War.
  • 1863 American Civil War: the Battle of Fort Hindman begins in Arkansas.
  • 1878 Umberto I becomes King of Italy.
  • 1880 The Great Gale of 1880 devastates parts of Oregon and Washington with high wind and heavy snow.
  • 1894 New England Telephone and Telegraph installs the first battery-operated telephone switchboard in Lexington, Massachusetts.
  • 1909 Ernest Shackleton, leading the Nimrod Expedition to the South Pole, plants the British flag 97 nautical miles (180 km; 112 mi) from the South Pole, the furthest anyone had ever reached at that time.
  • 1914 Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity Inc., the first historically black intercollegiate Greek-letter fraternity to be officially recognized at Howard University is founded.
  • 1918 Battle of Bear Valley: The last battle of the American Indian Wars.
  • 1923 Juan de la Cierva makes the first autogyro flight.
  • 1947 Elizabeth “Betty” Short, the Black Dahlia, is last seen alive.
  • 1965 The Mirzapur Cadet College formally opens for academic activities in East Pakistan (now Bangladesh).
  • 1991 Representatives from the United States and Iraq meet at the Geneva Peace Conference to try and find a peaceful resolution to the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait.

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Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. “I’m foreman of the local sawmill,” he explained. “Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.”

The operator giggled, “That’s really funny,” she said. “All this time, we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.

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A hospital posted a notice in the nurses’ mess saying:

“Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written:

“The last five are pretty risky, too.”

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ONE-LINERS: 10 Features of The Company Car

— Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

— Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.

— Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.

— The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.

— It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.

— It needs cleaning less often than private cars.

— The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.

— Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.

— It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.

— It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.

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pic of the day: Foster Falls in South Cumberland State Park
                                of Tennessee 

picture of Foster Falls

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.
They are called ‘Spec Taters’.

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.
They are called ‘Comment Taters’.

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands.
They are called ‘Dick Taters’.

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called, not Silly Billies but ‘Aggie Taters’.

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.
They are called ‘Hezzie Taters’.

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called ‘Immy Taters’.

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.
They are called ‘Sweet Po Taters’.

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Arnie, a young American, was on a short break holiday in Piddlehinton in the Dorset countryside. The next day he was going for a job interview in London but he needed to ask for directions, so he spoke to local farmhand, Martin.  ‘Yo, feller, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?’

Martin replied in a rich Dorset country accent, ‘You driving or walking, lad?’
Arnie quickly replied, ‘Driving.’

Martin, the farmhand nodded wisely, saying: ‘Oooh aarh, that be certainly the quickest way’.

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A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.

Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: APRICOT

~Apricots originated in Asia more than 4,000 years ago, migrating to Persia and the Mediterranean before Spanish explorers brought them to the United States.

~Around 95% of all apricots grown in the United States come from California

~In 1778 Thomas Jefferson was growing apricot trees at Monticello.

~In China, apricots were called “moons of the faithful” and were thought to enhance women’s fertility.

~The Latin name for apricot is “praecoquum”, which literally means “early matured”

~Astronauts ate apricots on the Apollo moon mission

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I’ve been on a calendar, but I have never been on time. – Marilyn Monroe

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these.George Washington Carver