April 15, 2014

The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets. – Will Rogers

TODAY – APRIL 15th – TUESDAY

105thd day of 2014 with 260 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Tax Day (official deadline for filing tax returns in United States, Philippines)

*National Library Workers Day

*World Art Day

*Rubber Eraser Day

*Titanic Remembrance Day

*National Glazed Spiral Ham Day

*Jackie Robinson Day

*Father Damien Day (Hawaii; recognition for his ministry to people with leprosy)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1452 Leonardo da Vinci, Vinci, Italian Renaissance polymath, painter, sculptor, and architect (described as the archetype of the Renaissance Man, a man of “unquenchable curiosity” and “feverishly inventive imagination”)
  • 1741 Charles Willson Peale, Chester, Maryland, painter and soldier (Portraits of leaders of American Revolution; established one of the 1st museums)
  • 1890 Percy Shaw, English inventor (Patented reflective road stud called a “cat’s eye”)
  • 1892 Corrie ten Boom, Dutch-American author and Holocaust survivor (The Hiding Place)
  • 1896 Nikolay Nikolayevich Semyonov, Saratov, Russian chemist (chemical transformation)
  • 1923 Robert DePugh, Independence, Missouri, activist (founded the Minutemen Organization (anti-Communist))
  • 1933 Elizabeth Montgomery, Los Angeles, California, actress (Bewitched, The Legend of Lizzie Borden)
  • 1933 Roy Clark, Meherrin, Virginia, singer, musician, and television host (Hee Haw)
  • 1947 Lois Chiles, Houston, Texas, actress (Death on the Nile, Moonraker, Creepshow 2 )
  • 1950 Amy Wright, Chicago, Illinois, actress (The Deer Hunter, Breaking Away, The Amityville Horror, Heartland)
  • 1951 Heloise, Waco, Texas, journalist and author (Hints from Heloise)
  • 1951 John L. Phillips, Fort Belvoir, Virginia, retired Navy captain and NASA astronaut (STS-100, Soyuz TMA-6, Expedition 11, STS-119)
  • 1959 Thomas F. Wilson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (Back to the Future, Freaks and Geeks)
  • 1966 Mott Green, Washington, D.C., businessman (founded the Grenada Chocolate Company)
  • 1974 Danny Pino, Miami, Florida, actor (Cold Case, Law & Order: SVU, Lucy)
  • 1976 Susan Ward, Monroe, Louisiana, actress (Malibu Shores, Sunset Beach, Just Legal, Make It or Break It)
  • 1993 Madeleine Martin, Manhattan, New York, actress (Californication )

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In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. – Benjamin Franklin

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1715 Pocotaligo Massacre triggers the start of the Yamasee War in colonial South Carolina.
  • 1755 Samuel Johnson’s A Dictionary of the English Language is published in London.
  • 1783 Preliminary articles of peace ending the American Revolutionary War (or American War of Independence) are ratified.
  • 1802 William Wordsworth and his sister, Dorothy see a “long belt” of daffodils, inspiring the former to pen I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud.
  • 1817 Thomas Hopkins Gallaudet and Laurent Clerc founded the American School for the Deaf, the first American school for deaf students, in Hartford, Connecticut.
  • 1861 President Abraham Lincoln calls for 75,000 Volunteers to quell the insurrection that soon became the American Civil War
  • 1865 Abraham Lincoln dies after being shot the previous evening by actor John Wilkes Booth.
  • 1892 The General Electric Company is formed.
  • 1912 The British passenger liner RMS Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic at 2:20 a.m., two hours and forty minutes after hitting an iceberg. Only 710 of 2,227 passengers and crew on board survived.
  • 1922 U.S. Senator John B. Kendrick of Wyoming introduces a resolution calling for an investigation of secret land deal, which leads to the discovery of the Teapot Dome scandal.
  • 1923 Insulin becomes generally available for use by people with diabetes.
  • 1924 Rand McNally publishes its first road atlas.
  • 1927 The Great Mississippi Flood of 1927, the most destructive river flood in U.S. history, begins.
  • 1935 Roerich Pact signed in Washington, D.C.
  • 1955 McDonald’s restaurant dates its founding to the opening of a franchised restaurant by Ray Kroc, in Des Plaines, Illinois.
  • 1965 The first Ford Mustang rolls off the show room floor, two days before it is set to go on sale nationwide.
  • 1984  The inaugural World Youth Day is held in St. Peter’s Square, Vatican City.
  • 2013  Two bombs explode near the finish line at the Boston Marathon in Boston, Massachusetts, killing 3 people and injuring 264 others.

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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog. Everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “I forgot to tell you — we also deliver.”

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TAXING QUIPS:

* “Two things you need to know about taxes. They’ve extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China.” –David Letterman

* “Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” –Jimmy Kimmel

* “Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

* “It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support them.” -Craig Ferguson

* “I’m not going to pay taxes. When they say I’m going to prison, I’ll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we’ll call it even.” –Jimmy Kimmel

* “Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts.” –Jimmy Kimmel

* “The government is really asking a lot of us this month — first we’re supposed to count how many people live in our home — then we’re supposed to count how much money we owe them. I actually got confused and accidentally sent a check to the census and a member of my household to the IRS. Sorry grandma.” -Jimmy Kimmel

* “Nobody likes taxes, but they’ve been around forever. Taxes date back all the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family’s frankincense.” -Jimmy Kimmel

* “The IRS says it’s been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are so bad, that they are actually hindering the IRS’s ability to threaten people.” –Jay Leno

* “Tomorrow is the day to mail in your tax returns, which means tonight is the night to start making fake receipts.” -Jimmy Kimmel

* “When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us.” –Jimmy Kimmel

* “. . .April Fools’ Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don’t confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.” –Jay Leno

* “Yesterday President Obama said, ‘We can’t continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.’ Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got ‘get out of jail free’ cards?” –Jay Leno

* “The healthcare reform bill now includes a tanning booth tax of 10 percent. You know what this means? This whole thing could be funded by the cast of ‘Jersey Shore.'” –Jay Leno

* “The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.” –Craig Ferguson

* “So, it’s pretty crazy. Look, we’re bailing out Wall Street, we’re bailing out banks, we’re bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there’s a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno

* “President Obama has announced a task force to review the tax codes. He’s concerned there are too many loopholes and too many people manipulating the system to avoid paying taxes. And that’s just in his administration.” –Jay Leno

* “The House passed a bill where there’s a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that’s going to drive good people out of the fraud business.” –Bill Maher

* “And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state’s giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for.” –Jay Leno

* “65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women.” –Jay Leno

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

~ Americans are now in a daze from intaxication.

~ Income tax is the fine you pay for thriving so fast.

~ There’s a “tax cocktail” on the market – two drinks and you withhold nothing.

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TAXING ONE-LINERS:

* Ambition in America is still rewarded . . . with high taxes.

*America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.

*If my business gets much worse, I won’t have to lie on my next tax return.

*Drive carefully. Uncle Sam needs every taxpayer he can get.

* There is no child so bad that he/she can’t be used as an income tax deduction.

* The attitude of Congress toward hidden taxes is not to do away with them, but to hide them better.

* Every year around April 15 Americans have a rendezvous with debt.

* The rich and the poor are alike. They both complain about taxes.

* A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until income tax time.

* Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and then wind up in the hole.

* Nothing makes a person more modest about their income than to fill out a tax form.

*I hate junk mail . . .and that includes the tax forms they send me.

*Income tax is Uncle Sam’s version of “Truth or Consequences.”

*An income-tax form is like a laundry list – either way you lose your shirt.

* About the time a man is cured of swearing, another income tax is due.

*Nothing has done more to stimulate the writing of fiction than the itemized deduction section of the income-tax forms.

*The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf.

*People who squawk about their income tax can be divided into two classes: men and women.

* The average man knows as much about the atomic bomb as he does about his income-tax form.

* Income taxes are not so bad and certainly could be worse. Suppose we had to pay on what we think we are worth?

*When making out your income-tax report, be sure you don’t overlook your most expensive dependent – the government.

* It has almost reached the point where, if a person takes a day off, he falls behind in his income-tax payments.

* No stretch of the imagination is as complete as the one used in filling out income-tax forms.

* We wouldn’t mind paying income tax if we could know which country it’s going to.

* Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list Uncle Sam as a dependent.

* In 1913 Uncle Sam collected only 13 million dollars in income taxes. That’s why they were called the “good old days.”

* The guy who said that truth never hurts never had to fill out a Form 1040.

* Behind every successful man stands a woman and the IRS. One takes the credit, and the other takes the cash.

* A lot of people still have the first dollar they ever made – Uncle Sam has all the others.

* We need to change our National Anthem to “Deep in the Heart of Taxes.”

* No respectable person is in favor of nudity, but after paying taxes, some of us may not have any other choice.

* What this country needs most is a SPCTT – The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Taxpayers.

* Patriotism will probably never develop to the point of parading in honor of the “unknown taxpayer.”

* A politician is a man who never met a tax he didn’t try to hike.

* After all is said and done, the politicians say it and the taxpayers do it.

* It is reported that the politicians in Washington are thinking of abolishing the income tax and taking the income.

* If our President wants to abolish poverty, he can do it by abolishing the IRS.

* Poverty is what you experience the day after you pay your income tax.

* One of the biggest advantages of being poor is that you’ll never have to undergo the trauma of a tax audit.

* The chaplains who pray for the United States Senate and the House of Representatives might speak a word now and then on behalf of the taxpayers.

* With a billion dollar budget, it ought to be possible to set aside enough money to teach the IRS the basic English necessary to write a readable income-tax form.

* The best things in life are free – plus tax, of course.

* The average man now lives thirty-one years longer than he did in 1850. He has to in order to get his taxes paid.

* A serious impediment to a successful marriage these days is the difficulty of supporting both the government and a spouse on one small income.

* Of course you can’t take it with you, and with high taxes, lawyer’s fees, and funeral expenses you can’t leave it behind either.

* Benjamin Franklin had an axiom, “A penny saved is a penny earned.” But that was before the sales tax was invented.

* The reward for saving money is being able to pay our taxes without borrowing.

* Our beloved country has made remarkable progress. Now politicians have arranged to spend taxes before they collect them.

* The fourth of July, 1776 – that’s when we declared our freedom from unfair British taxation. Then, in 1777, we started our own system of unfair taxation.

* Stay on your job and pay your taxes promptly. Thousands of workers in the government bureaus are counting on you.

* We wonder why they call them “tax returns” when so little of it does.

*  The best things in life are still free, but the tax experts are working overtime on the problem.

* A “slight tax increase” costs you about $300, while a “substantial tax cut” lowers your taxes by about $30.

* By the time you finish paying all your taxes, about all you have left is a receipt.

* One can be born free and then be taxed to death.

* A tax-dodger is a man who does not love his country less, but loves his money more.

“What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you” doesn’t apply to the hidden taxes in the things you buy.

A tax cut is like motherhood, apple pie, and the Star Spangled Banner – everybody is for it.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The people are hungry: It is because those in authority eat up too much in taxes. – Lao Tzu

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