April 17, 2014

Achievement is largely the product of steadily raising one’s levels of aspiration and expectation. – Jack Nicklaus

TODAY – APRIL 17th – THURSDAY

107th day of 2014 with 258 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*World Hemophilia Day

*National High Five Day (third Thursday of April)

*Blah, Blah, Blah Day

*National Cheeseball Day

*Pet Owners Independence Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1820 Alexander Joy Cartwright, NYC, New York, Inventor of the Modern Game of Baseball (1st person to draw diagram of diamond shaped baseball field; rules of modern baseball based on Knickerbocker Rules developed by Cartwright & committee from Knickerbocker Base Ball Club)
  • 1837 J. P. Morgan, Hartford, Connecticut, financier (arranged merger of Edison General Electric & Thomson-Houston Electric Co. to form General Electric; merged companies to for United States Steel Corporation)
  • 1852 Cap Anson, Marshalltown, Iowa, Baseball Hall of Famer (played record 27 consecutive seasons, regarded one of the first superstars of baseball)
  • 1863 Augustus Edward Hough Love, Weston-super-Mare, English mathematician (famous for his work on the mathematical theory of elasticity)
  • 1885 Karen Blixen (Isak Dinesen), Danish author (Out of Africa, Babette’s Feast)
  • 1918 William Holden, O’Falion, Illinois, actor (Sunset Boulevard, The Bridge on the River Kwai, The Wild Bunch, The Towering Inferno, Network)
  • 1923 Harry Reasoner, Dakota City, Iowa, journalist (for ABC and CBS news, founder of 60 Minutes)
  • 1929 Michael Forest, Harvey, North Dakota, actor (voice of Prince Olympius in Power Rangers, Kubota in Ghost in the Shell, The Outer Limits, Get Smart)
  • 1963 Joel Murray, Wilmette, Illinois, actor (Grand, Scrooged, Mad Men, Pacific Station, Love & War, Dharma & Greg, Still Standing)
  • 1964 Lela Rochon, Los Angeles, California, actress (Harlem Nights, Boomerang, Waiting to Exhale, The Big Hit)
  • 1972 Jennifer Garner, Houston, Texas, actress (Alias, Pearl Harbor, Daredeveil, Juno)
  • 1974 Victoria Beckham, Harlow, Essex, England, singer (Spice Girls)
  • 1978 Lindsay Hartley, Palm Springs, California, actress (Days of our Lives)
  • 1980 Nicholas D’Agosto, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (Cold Case, Heroes, Final Destination 5)
  • 1995 Paulie Litt, New Jersey, actor (Speed Racer)
  • 1996 Dee Dee Davis, Chicago, Illinois, actress (The Bernie Mac Show)

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Good habits result from resisting temptation. – Ancient Proverb

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1897 The Aurora, Texas UFO incident
  • 1905 The Supreme Court of the United States decides Lochner v. New York which holds that the “right to free contract” is implicit in the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution.
  • 1907 The Ellis Island immigration center processes 11,747 people, more than on any other day.
  • 1946 Syria obtains its Independence from the French occupation.
  • 1949 At midnight 26 Irish counties officially leave the British Commonwealth. A 21-gun salute on O’Connell Bridge, Dublin, ushers in the Republic of Ireland.
  • 1951 The Peak District becomes the United Kingdom’s first National Park.
  • 1961 Bay of Pigs Invasion: A group of CIA financed and trained Cuban exiles lands at the Bay of Pigs in Cuba with the aim of ousting Fidel Castro.
  • 1964 Jerrie Mock becomes the first woman to circumnavigate the world by air.
  • 1970 Apollo program: The ill-fated Apollo 13 spacecraft returns to Earth safely.
  • 1984 Police Constable Yvonne Fletcher is killed by gunfire from the Libyan People’s Bureau in London during a small demonstration outside the embassy. Ten others are wounded. The events lead to an 11-day siege of the building.
  • 1986 The Three Hundred and Thirty Five Years’ War between the Netherlands and the Isles of Scilly ends.
  • 2006 Sami Hammad, a Palestinian suicide bomber, detonates an explosive device in Tel Aviv, killing 11 people and injuring 70.
  • 2013 An explosion at a fertilizer plant in the city of West, Texas, kills 15 people and injures 160 others.

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George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.
The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.”
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.
Says George: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”

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Butch, our boxer, hated taking his medicine. After a lot of trial and error my father eventually figured out the simplest way to get it into him: blow it down Butch’s throat with something called a pill tube.

So Dad put the large tablet in one end of the tube, forced the reluctant dog’s jaws open, and poked the other end into his mouth.

Then, just as my father inhaled to blow, Butch coughed.

A startled look appeared on Dad’s face. He opened his eyes wide and swallowed hard. “I think I’ve just been de-wormed,” he gasped.

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ONE-LINERS: Resumes- Unintentional yet funny gaffs from real job application forms
1. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
2. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
3. “As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”
4. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.”
5. “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
6. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
7. “Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under those conditions.”
8. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
9. “Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
10. “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

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His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he was pleased when he spotted a plane warming up outside a hangar. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot.

“Because I’m a photographer for CNN,” he responded, “and I need to get some close-up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, “So … what you’re telling me, is … you’re NOT my flight instructor?”

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pic of the day: Just Hanging In There!

pic of tree frog

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

-My wife’s had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa?
-No. She broke her leg.

-My wife’s gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.

-My son’s gone on a singing tour of South Korea.
-Seoul?
-No, R&B
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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

“Let me guess,” the General interrupted, “it broke down.”

“No,” said the G.I., “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

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Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly.

Several minutes passed and he was back to jumping on the beds.

Connie said, “Dean, you weren’t jumping on the beds again, were you?”

He stood with his little head dropped low and said, “I’m trying, but it’s so hard to quit.”

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GOLDEN OLDIE… An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning this up, I’ll eat every chunk of it.”

She turns to him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?”

The salesman says, “Why do you ask?”

She says, “We just moved in and we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The world would be a nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would get even better if some of them choked on it. – Maxine

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
Try to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment. – Sydney Smith

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