April 3, 2014

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light. – ­Plato

TODAY – APRIL 3rd – THURSDAY

93rd day of 2014 with 272 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Chocolate Mousse Day

*Don’t Go to Work Unless it’s Fun Day

*Tweed Day

*Lawn and Garden Month

*Records and Information Management Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1529 Michael Neander, Joachimsthal, Bohemia, German mathematician and astronomer (crater Neander on the Moon is named after him)
  • 1715 William Watson, London, England, English physician and scientist (he showed that the capacity of the Leyden jar could be increased by coating it inside and out with lead foil)
  • 1783 Washington Irving, New York, New York, author (Legend of Sleepy Hollow, Rip Van Winkle)
  • 1822 Edward Everett Hale, Boston, Massachusetts, writer (The Man Without A Country, The Brick Moon, Ten Times One is Ten)
  • 1885 Bud Fisher, Chicago, Illinois, cartoonist (created Mutt and Jeff, first successful daily comic strip in U.S.)
  • 1893 Leslie Howard, English actor (Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind, Berkeley Square, Of Human Bondage, The Scarlet Pimpernel)
  • 1898 George Jessel, Bronx, New York, United States, American comedian (famous in his lifetime as a multitalented comedic entertainer, achieving a level of recognition that transcended his limited roles in movies)
  • 1907 Iron Eyes Cody, Kaplan, Louisiana, actor (The big Trail, Sitting Bull, Nevada Smith, A Man Called Horse, Ernest Goes to Camp; Keep America Beautiful ad in earl 1970s)
  • 1924 Doris Day, Cincinnati, Ohio, actress, singer and animal rights activist (Sentimental Journey, Embraceable You, Secret Love; Romance on the High Seas, On Moonlight Bay, Tea for Two, Calamity Jane)
  • 1924 Marlon Brando, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, Mutiny on the Bounty, The Godfather)
  • 1924 Peter Hawkins, English voice actor (The Adventures of Tintin, Daleks and Cybermen in Doctor Who, Dangermouse)
  • 1926 Gus Grissom, Mitchell, Indiana, American astronaut (2nd American to fly in space)
  • 1928 Kevin Hagen, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Yancy Derringer, Shenandoah, Doc Baker on Little House on the Prairie)
  • 1934 Jane Goodall, English zoologist (world’s foremost expert on chimpanzees)
  • 1942 Marsha Mason, St. Louis, Missouri, actress (Cinderella Liberty, The Goodbye Girl, Chapter Two, Only When I Laugh, Heartbreak Ridge)
  • 1942 Wayne Newton, Norfolk, Virginia, singer and actor (Mr. Las Vegas / Licence to Kill, Ocean’s Eleven)
  • 1944 Tony Orlando, New York City, United States, American musician (Tony Orlando and Dawn )
  • 1956 Ray Combs, Hamilton, Ohio, game show host and comedian (Family Feud 1988-1994)
  • 1958 Alec Baldwin, Long Island, New York, actor (The Aviator, The Departed)
  • 1959 David Hyde Pierce, Saratoga Springs, New York, actor (Dr. Niles Crane on Frasier, voice of Abe Sapien on Hellboy)
  • 1961 Eddie Murphy, Brooklyn, New York, actor and comedian (48 Hrs, Beverly Hills Cop, Trading Places, The Nutty Professor, Dreamgirls, Donkey in Shrek series, dragon Mushu in Disney’s Mulan)
  • 1971 Picabo Street, Triumph, Idaho, alpine ski racer (gold in 1998 Winter Olympics, 1996 World Championships, World Cup Downhill titles in 1995 & 1996; Dancing with the Stars 2008)
  • 1972 Leigh-Allyn Baker, Murray, Kentucky, actress (Good Luck Charlie)
  • 1972 Jennie Garth, Urbana, Illinois, actress (What I Like About You)
  • 1975 Aries Spears, Chicago, Illinois, comedian
  • 1981 Aaron Bertram, Lubbock, Texas, American musician
  • 1986 Amanda Bynes, Thousand Oaks, California, actress (All That, What I Like About You, She’s The Man, Hairspray)

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In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure. – Bill Cosby

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 33 Generally agreed-upon date for the historical crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth, the central figure of Christianity.
  • 1882 American Old West: Jesse James is killed by Robert Ford.
  • 1885 Gottlieb Daimler is granted a German patent for his engine design.
  • 1922 Joseph Stalin becomes the first General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.
  • 1936 Bruno Richard Hauptmann is executed for the kidnapping and death of Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr., the baby son of pilot Charles Lindbergh.
  • 1948 President Harry S. Truman signs the Marshall Plan, authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.
  • 1968 Martin Luther King, Jr. delivers his “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop” speech.
  • 1973 Martin Cooper of Motorola made the first handheld mobile phone call to Joel S. Engel of Bell Labs, though it took ten years for the DynaTAC 8000X to become the first such phone to be commercially released.
  • 1974 The Super Outbreak occurs, the biggest tornado outbreak in recorded history. The death toll is 315, with nearly 5,500 injured.
  • 1975 Bobby Fischer refuses to play in a chess match against Anatoly Karpov, giving Karpov the title of World Champion by default.
  • 1981 The Osborne 1, the first successful portable computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.
  • 1996 Suspected “Unabomber” Theodore Kaczynski is arrested at his cabin in Montana, United States.
  • 2000 United States v. Microsoft: Microsoft is ruled to have violated United States antitrust laws by keeping “an oppressive thumb” on its competitors.
  • 2007 Conventional-Train World Speed Record: a French TGV train on the LGV Est high speed line sets an official new world speed record.

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Customer to clerk in a furniture store: “I’m interested in a bookcase.”

“Yes sir. We have several sizes and finishes. There’s the standard case, the library case, the modern case, the video case and the lawyer case.”

“Why do they call it the lawyer case?”

“If you look carefully, you’ll notice that they’re made just a little crooked.”

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One of our clients brought in his massive Doberman pinscher to be spayed. As a veterinary assistant. I escort the patient into the doctor’s office. But before taking this dog’s leash, I glimpsed those large teeth of hers and asked the owner,”Is she friendly?”

“Friendly?” said the man. “She’s had five litters!”

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ONE-LINERS:

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

I chose the path less traveled by, but only because I was lost.

If you throw a cat out your car window is it kitty litter?

I distinctly remember forgetting that.

The best things in life are free, but unfortunately that’s not the way the law sees it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try playing second base.

Success is not access to excess.

Great minds think like ME.

Two rules of success in life: 1. Don’t tell people everything you know.

Parents spend three years teaching their kids to talk, and then spentd the rest of their lives trying to get them to keep quiet.

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One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?”

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”
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“Do you sing in the shower?”

“Yes, I sing a lot. Sometimes I use my voice just to kill time.”

“You certainly have a fine weapon.”

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cartoon of the day: Bowotox


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ We never got the tent up because of all the missed stakes we had.

~ How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

~ Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

~ Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

~ When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.

~ After winter, the trees are relieved.

~A young Puritan man asked an elder to teach him proper manners. On the Sabbath he was about to plow into church ahead of his elder, the elder pulled him back. The elder started to say something but then noticed a lady approaching the church. He stood back to allow the lady to enter.
The the elder summarized for the young man: “Remember, it is I before thee, except after she.”

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“I’m never late with an alimony payment.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m afraid that if I fall behind in my payments she might repossess me.”

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, “Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.”
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, “Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.”
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
“That’s Strange!”
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A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.”

Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it…

When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”

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After a Sunday service, the priest ran out of petrol on his way home. Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away. Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers. The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol. After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot. Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said: ‘Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine’ but I think you’re pushing your luck with that chamber pot’.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: How do you feel about women’s rights? I like either side of them. – Groucho Marx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
If you look at what you have in life, you’ll always have more. If you look at what you don’t have in life, you’ll never have enough. – ­Oprah Winfrey

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