April 7, 2014

You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. ­Christopher Columbus

TODAY – APRIL 7th – MONDAY

97th day of 2014 with 268 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*World Health Day

*No Housework Day

*National Coffee Cake Day

*Caramel Popcorn Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1770 William Wordsworth, England, poet laureate (The Prelude) .
  • 1859 Walter Camp, New Britian, Connecticut, father of American football (Yale)
  • 1860 W K Kellogg, Battle Creek, Michigan, cereal manufacturer (co-pioneer of process to make flaked cereal)
  • 1869 David Grandison Fairchild, Lansing, Michigan, botanist/explorer (brought plants to US)
  • 1897 Walter Winchell, NYC, broadcaster and journalist (invented the gossip column)
  • 1915 Billie Holiday, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, jazz singer (Ain’t Nobody’s Business)
  • 1915 Henry Kuttner, Los Angeles, California, sci-fi author (Dark World, As You Were, Startling Worlds of Henry Kuttner)
  • 1928 James Garner, Norman, Oklahoma, actor (Rockford Files, Bret Maverick, Space Cowboys)
  • 1928 James White, Northern Irish sci-fi author (Star Surgeon, Star Healer)
  • 1933 Wayne Rogers, Birmingham, Alabama, actor (‘Trapper John’ McIntyre/M*A*S*H; House Calls, Cashin’ In)
  • 1939 David Frost, England, TV host (That Was the Week That Was)
  • 1954 Jackie Chan, Hong Kong martial art actor (Rumble in the Bronx. Heart of Dragon, Police Story, Rush Hour, The Karate Kid (2010), Karate Kid 2, Kung Fu Panda, The Forbidden Kingdom, Shaolin)
  • 1954 Tony Dorsett, Rochester, Pennsylvania, NFL running back (Dallas Cowboys, Denver Broncos, Heisman Trophy)
  • 1964 Russell Crowe, New Zealand actor (Gladiator, 3:10 to Yuma, The Insider, A Beautiful Mind)
  • 1986 Brooke Brodack, Putnam, Connecticut, viral video comedian/1st YouTube Celebrity (1st real YouTube star)

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The trouble with opportunity is that it’s always more recognizable going than coming.

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1788 First settlement in Ohio, at Marietta.
  • 1798 Territory of Mississippi is organized from territory ceded by Georgia and South Carolina and is later twice expanded to include disputed territory claimed by both the U.S. and Spain.
  • 1827 John Walker, an English chemist, sells the first friction match. He had invented it in the previous year.
  • 1874 A “cotton cultivator” was patented by its black American inventor, E.H. Sutton, (No. 149,543).
  • 1906 Mount Vesuvius erupts and devastates Naples.
  • 1923 First brain tumor operation under local anesthetic performed (Beth Israel Hospital in NYC) by Dr K Winfield Ney.
  • 1927 First distance public television broadcast (from Washington, D.C. to New York City, displaying the image of Commerce Secretary Herbert Hoover).
  • 1948 World Health Organization established by UN.
  • 1959 First atomic generated electricity was produced at Los Alamos Scientific Laboratory, New Mexico. The experimental model used a “plasma thermocouple” in the reactor instead of a fullscale turbine, and produced merely enough electrical power for a light bulb.
  • 1969 Internet’s symbolic birth date: publication of RFC 1, part of the seminal ARPANET project.
  • 1983 During STS-6, astronauts Story Musgrave and Don Peterson perform the first space shuttle spacewalk.
  • 2001 Mars Odyssey is launched.

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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

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A guy is sitting at the bar, staring morosely into his beer when his friend walks in. “What’s the problem?

“Well, I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask. Now, I’m in deep trouble at home.”

“What kind of question?”

“My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly.”

“That’s an easy one! You just say, ‘Of course I will!'”

“Yeah, “That’s what I did, except I said, ‘Of course I do.'”

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ONE-LINERS: A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out…

~ A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

~ An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

~ A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, “You deserve your pit.”

~ A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.”

~ A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.”

~ An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

~ A pessimist claimed, “Things WILL get worse.”

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.
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A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.
“I see your ears are working,” says the duck, “Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?”

“Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

“Marvelous!” says the ringleader, “get him to come see me.”

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!”
“Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”

“At the circus” says the bartender.
“The circus?” the duck enquires.
“That’s right,” replies the bartender.

“The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?” asks the duck.
“That’s right!” says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: “What the heck do they want with a drywall expert?”

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pic of the day:

picture of bear statues
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A policeman had just finished his shift one night and was at home with his wife. “You just won’t believe what happened tonight,” he says. “In all my years on the force I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“What happened?” asks his wife.

“I came across two fellas down by the water- front,” says the cop. “One of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.”

“What did you do?” asks his wife.

“Oh that was easy. I charged one and let the other off.”

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The new husband had just sat down to the first dinner cooked by his new blonde bride. He fished a piece of paper out of what was supposed to be a stew. He unfolded the paper and read, “What’s the earth With all its art, verse, music, worth – Compared with love, found, gained, and kept?”

“What the heck is this?” The husband asked.

“The recipe said that if the stew was too thin, I should add some Browning.”

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A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

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After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it. – Will Rogers

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
Never let the odds keep you from doing what you know in your heart you were meant to do. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

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