August 11, 2014

“You never fail until you stop trying.” – Albert Einstein

TODAY – AUGUST 11th – MONDAY

223rd day of 2014 with 142 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Presidential Joke Day

*National Raspberry Bombe Day

*Play in the Sand Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1673 Richard Mead, English physician (Known for epidemiology)
  • 1865 Gifford Pinchot, Simsbury, Connecticut, forester (first chief of U.S. Forest Service and popularized conservation of natural resources), 28th Governor of Pennsylvania
  • 1897 Louise Bogan, Livermore Falls, Maine, poet (published in the The New Republic, The Nation, Poetry: A Magazine of Verse, Scribner’s and Atlantic Monthly)
  • 1897 Enid Blyton, English author (The Secret Series)
  • 1900 Philip Phillips, American archaeologist (Archaeological Survey in the Lower Yazoo Basin, Mississippi )
  • 1913 Bob Scheffing, Overland, Missouri, professional baseball player and manager (Chicago Cubs 1957–1959)
  • 1920 Chuck Rayner, Sutherland, SK, Canada, ice hockey player ( New York Rangers)
  • 1921 Alex Haley, Ithaca, New York, author (Roots)
  • 1933 Jerry Falwell, televangelist, conservative commentator
  • 1944 Ian McDiarmid, Scottish actor (Palpatine in Star Wars, 37 Days, Utopia)
  • 1946 Marilyn Vos Savant, St Louis, Missouri, writer/world’s highest IQ (Guinness Book of World Records)
  • 1950 Steve Wozniak, San Jose, California, computer pioneer (co-founded Apple Computer)
  • 1952 Bob Mothersbaugh AKA Bob 1, Akron, Ohio, musician (lead guitarist, occasional vocalist for Devo)
  • 1953 Hulk Hogan [Terry Bollea], Augusta, Georgia, WWF heavyweight champion (1984-89); actor (Mr. Nanny, Hogan Knows Best, Rocky III)
  • 1956 Pierre-Louis Lions, French mathematician. (Known for Nonlinear partial differential equations)
  • 1962 Brian Azzarello, Cleveland, Ohio, author (100 Bullets, Before Watchmen, Wonder Woman)
  • 1965 Viola Davis, St. Matthews, South Carolina, actress (Traffic, Solaris, The Help, How to Get Away with Murder, Ender’s Game)
  • 1965 Shinji Mikami, Japanese video game designer (Resident Evil)
  • 1968 Anna Gunn, Santa Fe, New Mexico, actress (The Practice, Deadwood, Breaking Bad)
  • 1974 Chris Messina, Northport, New York, actor (Damages, Argo, The Mindy Project)
  • 1978 Amber Mariano, Beaver, Pennsylvania, television personality (winner of Survivor: All-Stars)
  • 1993 Alyson Stoner, Toledo, Ohio, actress, model, singer and dancer (The Suite Life of Zack & Cody, That’s So Raven)

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The human mind is like an umbrella – it functions best when open. – Walter Gropius

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1877 Two moons of Mars, Phobos and Deimos, discovered by Asaph Hall.
  • 1896 First electric light bulb socket featuring an on-and-off pull chain was patented by Harvey Hubbell of Bridgeport, Connecticut.
  • 1898 Spanish-American War: American troops enter the city of Mayagüez, Puerto Rico.
  • 1903 First U.S. patent for instant coffee was issued to Satori Kato of Chicago, Illinois.
  • 1918 World War I: the Battle of Amiens ends.
  • 1919 The constitution of the Weimar Republic is adopted.
  • 1929 Babe Ruth first baseball player to hit 500 home runs.
  • 1934 Federal prison opened at Alcatraz Island.
  • 1942 Actress Hedy Lamarr and composer George Antheil receive a patent for a frequency hopping, spread spectrum communication system that later became the basis for modern technologies in wireless telephones and Wi-Fi.
  • 1952 Hussein is proclaimed King of Jordan.
  • 1972 Last US ground combat unit departs South Vietnam.
  • 1999 The Salt Lake City Tornado tears through the downtown district of the city, killing one.
  • 1999 Last total eclipse of the millennium occurred, traveling across many populated areas, making it perhaps the most-watched eclipse of all time, seen by up to 350 million people.
  • 2003 NATO takes over command of the peacekeeping force in Afghanistan, marking its first major operation outside Europe in its 54-year-history.

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George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: “Euro.”

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it’s a currency.

Says George: “What? There weren’t any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank.”

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I hadn’t recorded a greeting yet on my new answering machine, so when my mother came to visit, I asked her to tape one.

“This is Marcia’s mother,” my machine announced. “Marcia is an only child; she never writes, she never calls. So why not give me a buzz? I’d be happy to talk to you. My number is…”

Everyone called my mother. She loved the attention.

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ONE-LINERS: The Family Feud. . . Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that’s green: a scarecrow

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a part of the body beginning with ‘N’: knee

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“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

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pic of the day: Play in the sand day...

girl playing in sand picture
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.

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I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night.
I asked my son-in-law if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21st century, old man,” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.”

He was right! That stupid fly never knew what hit it!!

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The boy forgot his lines in the Sunday School music and drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation could hear said, “My Mommy is the light of the world.”

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Dreaded Words from Tech Support

– Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?

– …that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.

– Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.

– Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.

– We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery.

– I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.

– In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

– Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation.” – Kin Hubbard

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. – George Bernard Shaw

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