August 22, 2014

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim

TODAY – AUGUST 22nd – FRIDAY

234th day of 2014 with 131 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Pecan Torte Day

*Eat a Peach Day

*Be an Angel Day

*National Tooth Fairy Day (and/or Feb. 28)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1647 Denis Papin, Chitenay, physicist and inventor , best known for his pioneering invention of the steam digester, the forerunner of the steam engine and of the pressure cooker
  • 1811 William Kelly, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, inventor (converting iron to steel, Kelly & Company)
  • 1834 Samuel Pierpont Langley, Roxbury, Maine, astronomer, physicist, inventor (bolometer), aviation pioneer
  • 1836 Archibald M Willard, Bedford, Ohio, artist (Spirit of ’76)
  • 1860 Paul Gottlieb Nipkow, Poland, German inventor, the “spiritual father” of the core element of first generation television technology(Nipkow disk)
  • 1867 Maximilian Bircher-Benner, Swiss physician and nutritionist (invented muesli cereal)
  • 1920 Dr Denton Cooley, Houston, Texas, heart surgeon (1st artificial heart transplant)
  • 1920 Ray Bradbury, Waukegan, Illinois, sci-fi author (Fahrenheit 451, Illustrated Man)
  • 1934 Norman Schwarzkopf, Trenton, New Jersey, US General (Liberated Kuwait from Iraq)
    1935 E. Annie Proulx, Norwich, Connecticut, author (Brokeback Mountain)
  • 1940 Valerie Harper, Suffern NY, actress (Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Valerie)
  • 1947 Cindy Williams, Van Nuys, California, actress (American Graffiti, Shirley in Laverne & Shirley )
  • 1947 Donna Godchaux, Florence, Alabama, singer (Grateful Dead)
  • 1965 Courtney Gains, Los Angeles, California, actor (Children of the Corn, Hardbodies, Lust in the Dust, Back to the Future, Can’t Buy Me Love, Colors, The ‘Burbs, Memphis Belle )
  • 1967 Ty Burrell, Grants Pass, Oregon, actor (Modern Family )
  • 1972 Paul Doucette, North Huntington, Pennsylvania, drummer (Matchbox 20)
  • 1973 Howie Dorough, Orlando, Florida, singer (Backstreet Boys)
  • 1978 Jeff Stinco, Montréal, Québec, Canada, musician (Simple Plan)
  • 1979 Brandon Quintin Adams, Topeka, Kansas, actor (Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot )

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“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?” ― The Doctor

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 565 St. Columba reported seeing monster in Loch Ness (first known written account of monster).
  • 1654 Jacob Barsimson arrives in New Amsterdam. He is the first known Jewish immigrant to America.
  • 1831 Nat Turner’s slave rebellion commences just after midnight in Southampton, Virginia, leading to the deaths of more than 50 whites and several hundred African Americans who are killed in retaliation for the uprising.
  • 1848 The United States annexes New Mexico.
  • 1851 The first America’s Cup is won by the yacht America.
  • 1864 12 nations sign the First Geneva Convention. The Red Cross is formed.
  • 1865 First patent for liquid soap issued to William Sheppard of New York City.
  • 1902 Theodore Roosevelt becomes the first President of the United States to ride in an automobile.
  • 1911 Mona Lisa is stolen.
  • 1926 Gold is discovered in Johannesburg, South Africa.
  • 1932 The BBC first experiments with television broadcasting.
  • 1950 Althea Gibson becomes the first black competitor in international tennis.
  • 1963 American Joe Walker in an X-15 test plane reaches an altitude of 106 km (66 mi).
  • 1985 Manchester Air Disaster sees 55 people killed when a fire breaks out on a commercial aircraft at Manchester Airport.
  • 1989 The first ring of Neptune is discovered.
  • 1996 Bill Clinton signs welfare reform into law, representing major shift in US welfare policy.
  • 2003 Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore was suspended after refusing to comply with a federal court order to remove a rock inscribed with the Ten Commandments from the lobby of the Alabama Supreme Court building.
  • 2004 A version of The Scream and Madonna, two paintings by Edvard Munch, are stolen at gunpoint from a museum in Oslo, Norway.

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A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. “This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

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Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

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ONE-LINERS: 7 Definitions Of A Cat

1. A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. A four footed allergen.

3. A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. A treat-seeking missile.

5. A wildlife control expert impersonator.

6. A hair relocation expert.

7. An un-programmable animal.

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Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, “Now, who is going to tell the wife?”

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.

“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.”

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”

She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”

Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”

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pic of the day: Sunset


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

~ I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

~ I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

~ All the toilets in the police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

~ I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an “A” so far for the semester.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, “this is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

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A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

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A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
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QUIP OF THE DAY: There is nothing wrong with making mistakes. Just don’t respond with encores.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Just as a cautious businessman avoids investing all his capital in one concern, so wisdom would probably admonish us also not to anticipate all our happiness from one quarter alone. ~ Sigmund Freud

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