Jokes and Trivia for August 27, 2013

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” ― Audrey Hepburn

TODAY – AUGUST 27th – TUESDAY

239th day of 2013 with 126 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Just Because Day

*National Pots de Crème Day

*Banana Lovers Day

*Lyndon Baines Johnson Day (Texas)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1858 Giuseppe Peano, Spinetta, Piedmont, Italy,mathematician (founder of mathematical logic and set theory)
  • 1865 Charles Dawes, Marietta, Ohio, 3oth Vice President of the U.S. (Calvin Coolidge president; Nobel/ Dawes Plan for WWI reparations)
  • 1874 Carl Bosch, Cologne, Germany, chemist (pioneer in the field of high-pressure industrial chemistry and founder of IG Farben)
  • 1899 C.S. Forestor, Cairo, Egypt, English author (Horatio Hornblower series, The African Queen, A Ship of the Line)
  • 1908 Lyndon B. Johnson, Stonewall, Texas, 36th President of the U.S. (1963-1965)
  • 1909 Lester Young, Woodville, Mississippi, American musician
  • 1915 Norman Foster Ramsey, Washington, physicist (Separated oscillatory field method)
  • 1916 Martha Raye, Butte, Montana, actress (Never Say Die, Keep ‘Em Flying, Pufnstuf, Alice)
  • 1937 Tommy Sands, Chicago, Illinois, actor and singer
  • 1942 Daryl Dragon, Los Angeles, California, keyboardist (Captain & Tennille)
  • 1943 Tuesday Weld, NYC, New York, actress (Looking for Mr. Goodbar, The Winter of Our Discontent, Once Upon a Time in America, Pretty Poison, A Safe Place, I Walk the Line, Play It As It Lays)
  • 1947 Barbara Bach, Queens, New York, actress (The Spy Who Loved Me, Force 10 from Navarone)
  • 1949 Jeff Cook, Fort Payne, Alabama, musician (Alabama)
  • 1961 Yolanda Adams, Houston, Texas, singer (gospel)
  • 1969 Cesar Millan, Mexican-born American dog trainer (The Dog Whisperer)
  • 1969 Chandra Wilson, Houston, Texas, actress (Grey’s Anatomy)
  • 1970 Tony Kanal, Kingsbury, London, England, English musician (No Doubt)
  • 1979 Aaron Paul, Emmett, Idaho, actor (Big Love, Breaking Bad )

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Books are the perfect entertainment: no commercials, no batteries, hours of enjoyment for each dollar spent. What I wonder is why everybody doesn’t carry a book around for those inevitable dead spots in life.” ― Stephen King

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 The Battle of Long Island: in what is now Brooklyn, New York, British forces under General William Howe defeat Americans under General George Washington.
  • 1832 Black Hawk, leader of the Sauk tribe of Native Americans, surrenders to U.S. authorities, ending the Black Hawk War.
  • 1859 Petroleum is discovered in Titusville, Pennsylvania leading to the world’s first commercially successful oil well.
  • 1861 Union forces attack Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
  • 1939 First flight of the turbojet-powered Heinkel He 178, the world’s first jet aircraft.
  • 1962 The Mariner 2 unmanned space mission is launched to Venus by NASA.
  • 2003 Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years, passing 34,646,418 miles (55,758,005 km) distant.
  • 2003 The first six-party talks, involving South and North Korea, the United States, China, Japan and Russia, convene to find a peaceful resolution to the security concerns as a result of the North Korean nuclear weapons program.
  • 2006 Comair Flight 5191 crashes on takeoff from Blue Grass Airport in Lexington, Kentucky bound for Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport in Atlanta, Georgia. Of the passengers and crew, 49 of 50 are confirmed dead in the hours following the crash.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

It was the first day of school, after summer vacation and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again.

After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus.

Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place.

After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away.

“Wait!” I called. “We have to go inside and find out where you live.”

“I live right there,” he said, pointing to a house across the street. “I just always wanted to ride in a school bus.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, “I bet you don’t know what day this is.”

“Of course I do,” he indignantly answered. “How could you think I would forget?” Whereupon he left for the office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn’t wait for her husband to come home.

“First the flowers, then the chocolate and then the dress!” she exclaimed. “I’ve never had a more wonderful ‘Arbor Day’ in all my life!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS:

– He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

– Help! I’ve fallen asleep and I can’t wake up!

– His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

– Textbook is confusing … someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it.

– This class was a religious experience for me … I had to take it all on faith.

– The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him.

– Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

– Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing – it’s a great stress reliever.

– Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose – spraying in all directions – no way to stop it.

– I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates.

Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Moo Ya wk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom.” So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line.

Without being asked, he proclaims, “I am Michael O’Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the preacher, “that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?”

“Up here, we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Peacock

picture of peacock

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the animals to leave, he told the animals “To go forth and multiply.”

All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the ark.

“Why can’t you go forth and multiply?” demanded Noah.

“We can’t,” answered the snakes. “We’re adders.”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?”

WIFE: “In the pool.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seat belt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn’t considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window. “I hate to tell you, man,” he said, “but I think it’s too late!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

You drive into the gas station…

1955 – four guys run out to your car – you sit back and smile

Today – four guys run out to your car – you scream and pull away as quickly as you can.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.” ― Albert Einstein

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” ― Gloria Naylor

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *