August 27, 2014

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” ― Audrey Hepburn

TODAY – AUGUST 27th – WEDNESDAY

239th day of 2013 with 126 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Banana Lovers Day

*Just Because Day

*National Pots de Crème Day

*Lyndon Baines Johnson Day (Texas)

*Rev. Thomas H. Gallaudet, D.D. (Episcopal Church’s Calendar of Saints)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1858 Giuseppe Peano, Spinetta, Piedmont, Italy, mathematician (founder of mathematical logic and set theory)
  • 1865 Charles Dawes, Marietta, Ohio, 3oth Vice President of the U.S. (Calvin Coolidge president; Nobel/ Dawes Plan for WWI reparations)
  • 1874 Carl Bosch, Cologne, Germany, chemist (pioneer in the field of high-pressure industrial chemistry and founder of IG Farben)
  • 1875 Katharine McCormick, Dexter, Michigan, biologist, philanthropist, and activist (Funded most of research for first birth control pill)
  • 1899 C.S. Forestor, Cairo, Egypt, English author (Horatio Hornblower series, The African Queen, A Ship of the Line)
  • 1908 Lyndon B. Johnson, Stonewall, Texas, 36th President of the U.S. (1963-1965)
  • 1915 Norman Foster Ramsey, Washington, physicist (Separated oscillatory field method)
  • 1916 Martha Raye, Butte, Montana, actress (Never Say Die, Keep ‘Em Flying, Pufnstuf, Alice)
  • 1929 Ira Levin, New York, New York, author, playwright, and composer (Rosemary’s Baby, This Perfect Day, The Stepford Wives, Deathtrap)
  • 1939 William Least Heat-Moon, Kansas City, Missouri, author (Blue Highways, River-Horse, An Osage Journey to Europe)
  • 1942 Daryl Dragon, Los Angeles, California, keyboardist (Captain & Tennille)
  • 1943 Tuesday Weld, NYC, New York, actress (Looking for Mr. Goodbar, The Winter of Our Discontent, Once Upon a Time in America, Pretty Poison, A Safe Place, I Walk the Line, Play It As It Lays)
  • 1947 Barbara Bach, Queens, New York, actress (The Spy Who Loved Me, Force 10 from Navarone)
  • 1949 Jeff Cook, Fort Payne, Alabama, musician (Alabama)
  • 1961 Yolanda Adams, Houston, Texas, singer (gospel), author (Points of Power)
  • 1969 Cesar Millan, Mexican-born American dog trainer (The Dog Whisperer)
  • 1969 Chandra Wilson, Houston, Texas, actress (Grey’s Anatomy)
  • 1979 Aaron Paul, Emmett, Idaho, actor (Big Love, Breaking Bad, BoJack Horseman)
  • 1988 Alexa Vega, Miami, Florida, actress and singer (Spy Kids, Ruby & the Rockits, The Tomorrow People)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Books are the perfect entertainment: no commercials, no batteries, hours of enjoyment for each dollar spent. What I wonder is why everybody doesn’t carry a book around for those inevitable dead spots in life.” ― Stephen King

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1776 The Battle of Long Island: in what is now Brooklyn, New York, British forces under General William Howe defeat Americans under General George Washington.
  • 1832 Black Hawk, leader of the Sauk tribe of Native Americans, surrenders to U.S. authorities, ending the Black Hawk War.
  • 1859 Petroleum is discovered in Titusville, Pennsylvania leading to the world’s first commercially successful oil well.
  • 1861 Union forces attack Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
  • 1939 First flight of the turbojet-powered Heinkel He 178, the world’s first jet aircraft.
  • 1962 The Mariner 2 unmanned space mission is launched to Venus by NASA.
  • 2003 Mars makes its closest approach to Earth in nearly 60,000 years, passing 34,646,418 miles (55,758,005 km) distant.
  • 2003 The first six-party talks, involving South and North Korea, the United States, China, Japan and Russia, convene to find a peaceful resolution to the security concerns as a result of the North Korean nuclear weapons program.
  • 2006 Comair Flight 5191 crashes on takeoff from Blue Grass Airport in Lexington, Kentucky bound for Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport in Atlanta, Georgia. Of the passengers and crew, 49 of 50 are confirmed dead in the hours following the crash.
  • 2011 Hurricane Irene strikes the United States east coast, killing 47 and causing an estimated $15.6 billion in damage.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company.

One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.

One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”

There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you….someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple’s 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

“It all felt like five minutes…” the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:

“…underwater.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: 10 Reasons You Need a Vacation from your Dogs

1. When your spouse’s shocked voice shouts from the shop, “Honey, come quick, I’ve had a terrible accident!”, you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutralizer.

2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.

3. You can’t sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom

4.The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog’s veterinarian.

5. When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, “Off!”, then “Down!”.

6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout “Go to your crates, now!”

7 When someone asks what’s for dinner you automatically reply, “Kibbles and Bits”.

8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon.

9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, “Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets.”

10.When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, “Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!”
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner Mom & Pop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog.”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Bullfrog on a Log


~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

It turns out that the “Old King Cole” of nursery rhyme fame is loosely based on a 14th century ruler.

The slightly mad monarch is best known for his decree that the entire fiefdom’s crop of lettuce be diced and drenched in mayonnaise.

He called it, of course, Cole’s Law.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance.

At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, “Does anyone know what the bishop does?”

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, “He’s the one you can move diagonally.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The 5 toughest questions for men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I’ve seen fatter.

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality.

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

d. Define pretty..

e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question# 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. – W. C. Fields

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “Nothing great in the world was accomplished without passion.” — Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *